Self neglect

Hi Jenny...

i'm going try try to answer with the caveat  that I'm currently a bit drunk and I haven't read any of the other replies, so take it for what you will.

I go through periods of self destruction and self neglect. I have to remind myself to wash and brush my teeth etc. And I am a perfectly functional amd 'successful' human being. I will only shower when I have to go to work, or when I start feeling uncomfortable or itchy/stinky. I can go for days or weeks without it bothering me personally, because I don't notice. When I finally can smell myself. which is probably too late, I get around to doing something about it.

Only going to work gives me the impulse to not be a stinky mess. I simply don't think about these things and I don't notice, until I notice.

I have a skin condition, made worse by lack of washing and shaving, and even that doesn't always motivate me to keep control of it.  But I become annoyed, irritable etc when it gets out of control. It gets worse when I'm feeling down or unmotivated, which makes me down and more unmotivated.

I can better control and organise these things when I have a better sense of personal interests and motivation, when I can become more than my own interests, when I can externalise myself. It's difficult to explain. But I think it's about finding a spark. an interest and excitement outside of oneself, some kind of external motivation.

This can be quite sporadic, and is not externally motivated. It comes from within, but needs some form of external impetus.

Or some pride in oneself, whatever that might mean.

That probably doesn't help in any way whatsoever. But it's about finding a spark to engage with the external world.

Thanks Exist.  That is interesting and is very much in line with what I'm thinking about motivation and finding the spark inside.  It sounds as though you have much more of these than my son, though, who is unable to work (total "hikikomori" state) and too reclusive even to engage with the DWP.

I think this also highlights what might be the crux of the matter.  The family sees the situation from the outside in, so can look for signs of any nascent interests or motivation and work with those (NB not in any pushy way but simply supporting) but it is the intrinsic motivation which matters and if we don't see any signs then we are clueless. 

It honestly looks as though he's seen a little of the adult world, taken fright and taken flight.  So there's a danger of anything coming from the outside being perceived as pressure or a demand to conform that he's unable to meet.  I don't know how to handle this, moving as we do within a culture which often seems to value a person's working ability above all else - he's a bright lad, he knows what people think and this, I think, makes him want to avoid them even more.  

If the balance could be altered and shift in favour of interests he wanted to pursue, it'd look very different.  As it stands he only seems to have an interest in protecting himself from the world and distracting himself from all the issues by gaming - i.e. negative "away from" activities rather than positive "move towards" interests.   

Ah, interesting.

Motivation can be difficult to find at times. One thing I forgot to mention was scheduling. I don't personally like routine and structure, too restrictive and repetitive, but if I don't have certain things structured I just won't do them.

For example, I brush my teeth as soon as I get up and at about 9:30 at night. If I don't do it at those times I'll simply forget, or I won't be in the mood and I'll get distracted. Similarly, I prefer to shower in the afternoon or between 11:30am - 1:30 pm. If I don't do it then, I won't be in the mood. Of course, this doesn't fit with a regular 9-5.

I have prefered schedules and routines in my mind, but they don't always fit with regular daily/weekly schedules. My time perception is more elastic.

Maybe small/subtle routines could be implemented for some of the simple things so they become second nature and he doesn't have to think about them.

I'm not really into gaming, but I do spend a lot of time consuming edutainment and educational material on Youtube etc.

Is there a possibility for hinting at some online courses, online opportunities etc. eg programming, computer sciences? Really anything that can take an interest and expand it into the real world a little, without having to physically engage with the real world. Broadening his horizons from his computer, with the hope that it might eventually build a desire to explore the world around him more.

I suppose one of the most difficult things is that people cannot be forced to be motivated or interested.

Another possibility if the outside world and people are too much to cope with is to try to go for quiet walks in areas where it is quiet and people are few.

Being in the countryside or woodland has often been shown to have positive impact on wellbeing. If he can get out, but to areas that are unthreatening, maybe an interest/confidence to interact more might grow.

Thank you Turtle.  Much appreciated. 

It isn't the perfectly content that will make any meaningful change.

I'm always here for support  if you need me.  

It isn't the perfectly content that will make any meaningful change.

I'm always here for support  if you need me.  

Thank you Turtle.  Much appreciated.