Published on 12, July, 2020
We're still struggling with issues around severe, chronic burnout, withdrawal and self isolation (mostly within just one room) in our adult son. The thought occurs to me, especially given that this has led to very poor personal hygiene, absolute refusal (or inability) to engage with services or even, for much of the time, with family members, does this all at some point become more than self neglect and turn into more of a safeguarding issue for which we, as parents are responsible?
If so, what on earth should we be doing for someone who has capacity but who uses this to refuse all help, especially understandable since his experiences with services have been entirely negative, even leading to a worsening of issues in the past? We would hate to (once again!) enlist the help of any service which isn't autism friendly, approaches issues clumsily then leaves us in a worse position with well intentioned but ultimately useless suggestions like getting back in touch when he's willing to engage (this just isn't going to be happening any time soon) and comments such as, "We've never met anyone so unwilling to engage. If only he would engage then ..." - i.e. simply echoing our difficulties back to us, withdrawing from the situation and leaving us without any support.
This all feels very much like a stalemate situation but one in which we could be, while emotionally exhausted and trying to do our best, colluding with the neglect and thereby failing in our responsibilities and duties to our son.
Tell him that girls won't fancy him unless he changes his ways.
Unfortunately already tried some years ago. He is very much of the belief that anyone who doesn't accept him as he is, isn't worth getting to know. Plus, of course, having dropped out of college twice some years ago and continuing, over a period of months, to refuse to go out with friends when they called round, he now has nobody outside the family and never joins anything outside the home so that new contacts could be made.
Total withdrawal. Living like a hermit. Afraid of others. Anxious and extremely avoidant. Probably traumatised by experiences at school and college (including bullying). I don't know what to do but as each year passes it feels more and more like an unreal nightmare.
After I graduated, in 2001, I let myself go. Then, I got a Civil Service job in 2004. However, I lost that job due to poor personal hygiene.
I was a mess back then.
If you don't mind me asking, was there anything in particular that either caused or helped with this? I guess, though, that there can be lots of factors having a cumulative effect.
In our situation I think that, given the severity of the mental health issues, hygiene becomes a low priority. It really bothers me but I don't think it can be addressed on its own. This makes it feel more intractable because burnout, withdrawal and almost total non engagement hardly allow for a way in.