Hurting oneself

Any time there is a holiday or a break from school she is definitely more distressed and struggles a lot more. There is a lot of routine and structure in school and I do my best to keep routine at home but with building work, other children and other stuff it's kind of hard. 

She struggles greatly with the transition from school to home, she used to refuse to come home and get into her taxi but we've sorted that. Except that the last day of term, it took her 45 minutes, no meltdown, until she got home, and I don't think it helped that she had a different driver, but she new ages ago about that. Summer holidays are the worst. But yes, holidays and the change cause more self harm itself. 

Sorry I couldn’t be more of a help! Hopefully having her own room may help ease her distress during melt downs. You sound like your trying your best. 

December is a nightmare of a month due to all the changes that happen with Christmas and new year.

I am struggling and my youngest is struggling with the changes, while my eldest is loving being at home as he has no demands from school. 

Do you think it could be the break from school and Christmas changes that may be adding to her distress causing the self harming? 

We've tried telling her to scream into a pillow but she won't or even punching it or punching something soft. She does bang her head on a bed when there's nothing hard right next to her so I guess that's good. She also won't write about anything either. She's learnt that she gets into trouble if she takes her frustrations out on others so now she'll take it out on herself. 

That's good enough, she'll have her own place she can be comfortable in, and hopefully she'll learn better ways of coping than to take the anger out on herself. I mean if she can take the anger out on an inanimate object like a punching bag or even a pillow, that might be better than taking it out on herself. And writing out frustrations might be good as well. 

We've looked at doing that but everything just costs so much money. There is no place in her room to do anything because she shares with her sister. Next week they will be having their own rooms so when we've sorted the other new room out, we will redo hers. She does have an area next too her bed with her beanbag and weighted blankets, sensory toys and there are cushions against the wall but that's only what we can do for the moment unfortunately. 

Maybe you could make her room or environment "softer"? Like add soft carpeting and soft wall panels for cushioning perhaps?

My brother did that; whenever he was around that age. I still stim, myself, but I bottle/mask things quite a bit.

She doesn't mind wearing bandages but not for too long because it becomes itchy. She probably won't want to wear one so I won't force her to. She does have a chewy, she goes through so many so we have chosen one for heavy frequent chews and its lasted a bit and another chewy which is round her wrist which she hasn't broken which is great. When she's having a meltdown, she is no state of mind to use it or any sensory toys or just anything to calm herself down. 

I used to wear a type of bandage called wet wraps. They were worn as I had really severe eczema. The wet wraps are different from the typical bandages that wrap round your arms. It’s almost like a tight the goes over your arms. I’m sure the brand was called Tubeofast? I maybe remembering/spelling wrong though. 

You could put a wet wrap bandage over the top of a regular bandage, obviously you wouldn’t be wetting the wrap. This could possibly stop your daughter unraveling of the bandages.

If I’m being very honest I wouldn’t expect or do this to my child as I know he would get stressed with the hassle of getting the bandage on.  It also sounds a bit restrictive to me and maybe this method could be seen as some sort of punishment? She may also be self conscious? 

If your daughter doesn’t mind the feeling of Bandages on her arms and wants to have the bandage on to prevent her biting her self maybe this is something that will help?

Does she like chew toys? You could get soft chewy ones that are for babys that are different from the typical chew toys aimed at autistic individual’s. 

My other son loves velcro he likes chewing on it. I got a strip of velcro from ebay. I juat renew it as it can get grubby. 

Also the back scrubbing brushes you get my son loves his legs arms and back being dry brushed. Gives him great sensory feed back this is my go to when a melt down is occurring. 

You can get a specific brush called a therapressure brush but we always lose ours somewhere in the house. 

Yes we've tried the elastic bands for more than a year but no improvement and she stopped wearing them last year aswell. Thank you though. 

We have asked all my children if they wanted to have a go at boxing recently but they said they aren't interested and wouldn't do it so I don't think thats an option anymore. Just have no clue how to protect her in the worst of times. We've tried wrapping her arms in bandages to add some protection but that didn't work, she just took it off an played with it. Is there anything I could put on her arms to add some support and protection. 

My son used to bite his hand last year and it was recommended to me to ask him to wear an elastic band on his wrist and every time he had the urge to bite himself he would ping the elastic band against his skin. It has helped and he no longer bites himself or feels the need to wear the elastic band.

Id also recommend a free standing punch bag. Boxing is a fantastic way to release anger, frustration and energy. 

That's what I thought when she was flapping her hands. We know that from the past, especially I school, she would attack and take aggression out of staff but ever since she was excluded, she's been happier but when she does struggle she takes it out on herself instead so there's now no reason to punish her. 

What can I do to reduce the risk of injury since she has powerful strikes to her head and the wall aswell has biting herself. 

When she's really upset and frustrated, she likely feels a lot of aggression, and instead of taking it out on others, she's trying to "protect" them in a way, by taking it out on herself instead. She might have an emotional regulation issue (through biological wiring, and not a fault of her own) where when she gets frustrated, things fire up in her system to a very high degree, that is just higher than most people's frustration levels would be. 

And if she's flapping her hands now, and she hasn't done this in the past, she might have just read it and picked it up somewhere, because hand flapping I think is something that happens from an early age that might continue when they are older, but it's not something that suddenly just shows up from no where.

What I would like to know is how to keep the injuries and damage to a minimum. I can't hold her, we have no choice but to leave her be. She will repeatedly bang her head on the wall with force, knocking herself out once. And her arms are bruised and swollen from yesterday's arm biting. She bites herself with force. I thought she has bitten into her arm and thought she was bleeding but thank god she wasn't. 

Thank you for this. It helps a lot. She knows when she is getting worked up and will usually be able to calm herself down but other times she doesn't notice or it goes from 0 to 100 instantly and then she will start hurting herself. Usually it will be really bad but then calms her down to less of an impact and then she will cry and try distracting herself by putting Netflix on and then she's okay again once she's let everything out. She struggles greatly with self regulation so I guess by head banging or biting it calms her. 

ParentingAutism said:

She felt more understood by people around and accepted and it suited her needs best. 

This equation from Luke Beardon may be really helpful:

Autism + Environment = Outcome

This means the better suited the environment, the less anxiety your daughter will experience.

You may find it useful to read some of Luke Beardon books - very thorough give great insights into the autistic brain.

The basic problem is a lack of an ability to subconsciously monitor mood. It is something that is difficult for many autistics to accomplish. We can sometimes only notice that we are upset or anxious when we reach the state of it being completely unbearable. When in that state it is by 'minor self-harm' that some of us can 'reset the switch' that makes our internal state bearable again. I'm 60, and very occasionally I reach that point, and hit myself in the side of the head or bite the base of my thumb. It works as an instant relief. However, it is not a good place to be and the only thing I have found that helps is by consciously interrogating my inner feelings from time to time during the day, to find out if I am feeling upset by anything, and then trying to get out of whatever situation it is that is making me feel bad.

I hope that this view from the inside helps you to understand what the 'self hurting' does for the autistic person, and perhaps might be a pointer to help your daughter recognise when she is heading for such a crisis.

Yes I agree, she has not yet been able to feel safe to wear ear defenders when she needs them including in the house unless it's just me and her. In school she will wear them sometimes when needed, like the fire alarm. She asked to go to the Mayflower theatre to watch cinderella and she helped me book it and she said she wants the relaxed performance instead of the other usual one. She asked for it, and I'm proud of her. She loved it. We all did. She felt more understood by people around and accepted and it suited her needs best. 

You are welcome. Her autistic traits are likely to be obvious to others as she learns more about herself as an autistic person and feels safe and accepted. She may feel more validation now there is an explanation for her neurotype. It is very positive that she feels she is able to unmask as this will really help her develop/understand her own autistic identity and therefore hopefully feel happier.

Okay, thanks for this. She definitely has changed since the diagnosis so I did think she was unmasking but her behavior has changed so much due to this. Im happy she's unmasking but it definitely creates new challenges to deal with. I am still learning and I try my best to deal with situations as they come but sometimes things just don't go well for any of us. I appreciate what you said, it has definitely shed some light for both of us.