Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi there,
I was wondering if people had any advice or experience to share regarding my 16 year old daughter. She was diagnosed with high-functioning autism / ASD / Asperger’s a few months ago.
Annie has always struggled at school - we went through phases of her being quite bossy, aggressive, demand-avoidant, with frequent meltdowns as a small child to becoming the studious girl at the back of the class, polite, quietly confident and getting top grades, but still quite isolated from her peers.
Things at secondary school didn't work out great… the environment was completely overwhelming, though she kept her chin up for a long time. Long story short, she became extremely low (talking/planning suicide), completely withdrew in class from any sort of friendships she had with people, started having anxiety attacks / meltdowns every Sunday evening at the prospect of returning to school. We decided to scrape the funds together and put her in private school (this was halfway through y10). Problems seemed to solve themselves for a while - Annie loved the teachers and environment and everyone was really nice… then lockdown hit! The lockdown itself was bliss for Annie, but the transition back to school was very difficult. I think the fact it was GCSE year helped her hold it together - she made it through the year and smashed the exams with straight 9s, but the complete lack of structure of the summer triggered a mental breakdown and rock-bottom depression which had probably been waiting to happen for a while. She was having frequent meltdowns, controlling her food, self-harming and had zero motivation to do anything. This got even worse going back to school for sixth form, though they are very understanding about her needs/diagnosis, but she is finding it increasingly difficult to attend.
At the moment, she has been off school for the last week (and things are continuing to spiral down), staying in bed all day in her imaginary worlds. She seems to oscillate between reclusive shutdowns where she won’t speak more than a few words to me for days and manic episodes of hysteria (where she stammers and talks nonsense and seems to be seeing things that aren’t there, I suspect more imaginary than hallucinations).
Was wondering if anyone had any similar experiences to share? She is a very bright girl and has her heart set on studying physics at Oxford, but right now the pressures of the school day drain all her energy and she’s falling behind in class.
We don’t know whether to move schools, homeschool, take a break and repeat a year, or keep pushing through with things as they are… any thoughts? From what I’ve heard Annie is a typical Aspie girl in the way that she masks to cope with all sorts of challenging social and sensory environments, but this results in severe depression, shutdowns and meltdowns. Does anyone have any methods of tackling this, as well as the other issues mentioned?
Sorry for such a long rant! Any advice or second opinions would be so much appreciated.
Thanks,
Carly
Hello, I’ve just seen your post. I have to say, it sounds remarkably like my own situation, or should I say, my daughters. Skipping school, issues at high school, eating problems, self harm, masking, shut downs, demand avoidant personality, psychotic episodes etc etc… Thank goodness lockdown stopped her going to school and sitting her exams (which she done very well in). She went to Sixth form, ended up leaving several months later as it all got too much. She has ADHD and Dyspraxia as well as Autism, so staying focussed was a huge problem. Then she got an apprenticeship. While she enjoyed the work, the 40 hour week was too much. Her mental health suffered and she had to quit. Then she got sacked from a new job. Now she’s at college, studying something more ‘hands on’, which is linked to one of her interests. It has more of an emphasis on coursework, rather than exams. The pressure has been greatly reduced. She’s at college 3 days a week.
All I’d say is give her time to explore her options. If she try’s different things, and decides it isn’t manageable, then she can change, no pressure. There’s too much of an emphasis children having to know exactly what they want at a young age. I don’t feel this is necessary. I feel they will gravitate towards what’s best for them with trial and error, and time. Have a chat with the support service at the school/college. Finds way that will help your daughter to achieve what she desires. Any small change they can incorporate to her day might have a big impact for her. Moving school can cause more stress.
I probably haven’t helped, but I just wanted to show you that things can, and do turn around for the better.
Hi Catlover, thank you so much for sharing your experience, it is really encouraging to hear about your daughter. I definitely relate to pressure being an issue with Annie... it's so difficult with everything she's struggling with on the inside to have to cope with a full week of schoolwork and homework assignments pouring in! I'm glad your daughter managed to try a variety of things and found something that is sustainable for her mental health. You're right, I'm thinking at the moment that Annie just needs plenty of time and space to explore her options, without trying to make any definitive decisions / changes yet about homeschooling / leaving / changing school. Can I ask, how did things get better for your daughter? How exactly did you move through these issues you listed above? Are they mostly cleared up now?
Many thanks
Ugh, I’ve started this reply several times. So much to say, but I don’t want to overwhelm you. Navigating life being Autistic is like a part time job. Masking is a full time job. Then you have the pressures of work and/or school to add to the mix. It’s too much. Poor mental health, self harm, depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, panic attacks, psychotic episodes, meltdowns, shutdowns, etc etc. You just want routine and control, (the eating as an example). In my daughters case, things improved once she took charge of her own life. She stopped doing the things that she couldn’t manage, or bought her down mental health. I just had to take a step back, which wasn’t easy. She’s very bright, and I wanted her to do well. I wished she’d completed her A Levels (English Language, Philosophy, Religious Studies). I’ve realised it just doesn’t have to be academic. If she wants to go to college or university after her current study, fine. She’s young and has time on her side.
Things are still in the early days here. I try not to dwell on the last few years, as it was truly horrendous and nothing I tried helped. I felt useless and couldn’t save her.
She’s been at college studying music and production since September. Music is one of her abilities, so she’s took to it like a duck to water. She’s enjoying the course, able to keep up with the course work, is happy there’s no exam at the end of the course, and has made several friends, (two are also autistic) and is now also in a band. She has gigged before on her own, so this change of subject matter wasn’t a huge surprise.
Don’t get me wrong, there’s no cure, but comparing this year to 2020, it’s completely different. I’m not worried about her MH. I can sleep at night. She still has the meltdowns and shutdowns obviously. She had a bit of a psychotic episode the other week, though she hasn’t had a panic attack in ages. She’s eating well (Despite often forgetting ) and hasn’t harmed herself all year. She still has anxiety. She can get down on herself as she’s a perfectionist. She’s getting better at realising some things can be ‘good enough’.
She has a lot stressful situations she’s dealing with right now, but she’s happier. She has time for her relationship, time to fit in other pursuits, and has time to relax. I’m keeping track of things, ensuring she doesn’t do too much, and so far, so good.
Hi, thanks again for sharing your experience. I'm so glad to here that things have got better for you daughter and she has managed to find equilibrium with her mental health. It's so encouraging for me to hear about others coming out the other side of their struggles as it can seem at the time like it will never end! It seems like music and friends have been a really positive thing for your daughter. I've realised that good things like friendships and hobbies are the fundamental thing in giving a "lift" to counteract the drains of stresses and pressures.