Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi there,
I was wondering if people had any advice or experience to share regarding my 16 year old daughter. She was diagnosed with high-functioning autism / ASD / Asperger’s a few months ago.
Annie has always struggled at school - we went through phases of her being quite bossy, aggressive, demand-avoidant, with frequent meltdowns as a small child to becoming the studious girl at the back of the class, polite, quietly confident and getting top grades, but still quite isolated from her peers.
Things at secondary school didn't work out great… the environment was completely overwhelming, though she kept her chin up for a long time. Long story short, she became extremely low (talking/planning suicide), completely withdrew in class from any sort of friendships she had with people, started having anxiety attacks / meltdowns every Sunday evening at the prospect of returning to school. We decided to scrape the funds together and put her in private school (this was halfway through y10). Problems seemed to solve themselves for a while - Annie loved the teachers and environment and everyone was really nice… then lockdown hit! The lockdown itself was bliss for Annie, but the transition back to school was very difficult. I think the fact it was GCSE year helped her hold it together - she made it through the year and smashed the exams with straight 9s, but the complete lack of structure of the summer triggered a mental breakdown and rock-bottom depression which had probably been waiting to happen for a while. She was having frequent meltdowns, controlling her food, self-harming and had zero motivation to do anything. This got even worse going back to school for sixth form, though they are very understanding about her needs/diagnosis, but she is finding it increasingly difficult to attend.
At the moment, she has been off school for the last week (and things are continuing to spiral down), staying in bed all day in her imaginary worlds. She seems to oscillate between reclusive shutdowns where she won’t speak more than a few words to me for days and manic episodes of hysteria (where she stammers and talks nonsense and seems to be seeing things that aren’t there, I suspect more imaginary than hallucinations).
Was wondering if anyone had any similar experiences to share? She is a very bright girl and has her heart set on studying physics at Oxford, but right now the pressures of the school day drain all her energy and she’s falling behind in class.
We don’t know whether to move schools, homeschool, take a break and repeat a year, or keep pushing through with things as they are… any thoughts? From what I’ve heard Annie is a typical Aspie girl in the way that she masks to cope with all sorts of challenging social and sensory environments, but this results in severe depression, shutdowns and meltdowns. Does anyone have any methods of tackling this, as well as the other issues mentioned?
Sorry for such a long rant! Any advice or second opinions would be so much appreciated.
Thanks,
Carly
Hi Carly
I can relate to what you are saying. My son is 12 years old and finding secondary school very difficult. He is bright, currently attending grammar school. He masks all day at school and is very well behaved but his behaviour is appalling at home. We are now thinking if he needs to go to a special school given his meltdowns and rudeness at home. Only problem is finding a place that will cater to highly intelligent Aspie kids and provide a suitable peer group.
The only solution to the meltdowns I feel is taking a break and taking it easy at the cost of education. It would be a real shame to miss out on education though, given the capability. I really worry about how my son would finish his GCSEs and A levels even though he's intelligent. These kids have to go through a lot of sensory and emotional overload in having to adjust to the expectations of this world.
DO let me now how things go for your daughter.
Good luck
Hi Nikki, sorry to hear about the struggles you've been having with your son.
My daughter found the transition from primary to secondary school very difficult as well, as the environments are a big change. She masks loads to cope with it all, but I'm sure this masking is the cause of the depression and meltdowns. She discussed not-masking with her psychologist, but the truth is the teachers and kids at school wouldn't accept or understand certain unusual behaviours (like stimming, walking out of class, not wanting to talk at all, being very honest, etc...) which would inevitably happen if she took off her mask. We watched a documentary about Limpsfield Grange (the UK's only all-girls autism school) and were both really moved by how quirky and non-judgemental the students and staff were. I really see the benefit in specialist schools, but I also completely get where you're coming from - as much as mental well-being is the most important thing, Annie would need something more than just doing drawing and petting animals.
It is interesting that you are considering a break from school for your son. At the moment, this seems to me the best option for Annie, and I believe the impact on education would not be so massive. Seeing my daughter study for her GCSEs in lockdown showed me not only that around 20% of the effort actually needed for school was focused on the academic curriculum, but that the work that could have taken a whole hour in class took a quarter of the time at home. You are fortunate that you still have plenty of time before having to deal with exams - work can be easily caught up and as for schools, the lower years of secondary are less academically focused anyway. My sister actually works in a specialist school for autism, and I know that several students have gone to Oxbridge from there. May I ask what area you're based in?
Hi Carly, it is nice to chat with a fellow parent sailing on the same boat. As much as my son doesn't have friends, I also don't have parent friends who can understand what I'm going through. It makes me feel less lonely to hear other parents' experiences.
We live in Greater London. But we are ready to move if we find the right school. If you don't mind please can I ask what's the name of the school?
Thanks xx
No problem! Just realised that the link I sent doesn't include the specialist aspergers branch...
https://www.cambiangroup.com/specialist-education/our-schools/asperger-schools/southlands-school/
(There are also several other specialist aspergers schools as part of the cambian group on this website)
Best wishes