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Husband struggles to understand

north london mum

Hello everyone. I haven’t used this site for a long time but I need some advise please. We have an amazing little boy who is 9 and will be 10 in January he has autism and has some speech. Last night I was talking to my husband about Christmas presents and our son had pointed out two teddys that he wanted I mentioned this to my husband and out of the blue he said His nearly 10 time to stop the teddys and he needs start wiping himself after toileting. 
I was taken aback by it my husband has always been amazing and supportive yes I am trying to encourage our son to be independent with things however he still needs alot of help and still loves his teddys. 
I just don’t know where it came from and not sure how to approach this I know we all see our friends children doing things that we all thought our child would be able to do but life is not always how you expect it to be so I don’t know if hubby is feeling a little pain in seeing this. 
I would really appreciate some advise or if any of you have experienced this before as I said he is an amazing dad and husband and does anything for us but this came as a shock to me as he is not normally like this. 

  • Totally agree with the cuddly toy comments. Our son just loves anything cuddly and soft, and why not?

    With the wiping, I think he's right to feel it's time to progress that a little. Do you know why you son won't wipe? If it is fear of getting messy fingers, you can try practising after a bath or shower by putting a little sudocrem or other similar cream in the right area and then getting him to wipe. Eventually he will see that he doesn't get dirty fingers and will feel confident with the process. And/or you can scaffold his mastering this skill by doing all but the last bit. So, to start with you wipe until he's virtually clean and then he does the very last bit. Gradually withdraw support as and when he is feeling confident with where he is, until he's doing it all himself. It may take some time (it took 2 years for my son to go upstairs on his own but we did it!)

    Good luck, and maybe buy your hubby a teddy for Christmas ;)

  • My teenage son has a lot of plushies and I don't see the problem with it. Really I understand wanting your son to be independant but this to me sounds more like trying to normalise him. Why is it wrong to find comfort in something when the world can be a harsh place? I always thought that home should be somewhere you can be accepted just as you are without expectation? 

  • in reply to north london mum

    thank you everyone for your advise it really has helped and I appreciate it. 

  • I think your husband is taking two aspects of his son's life that he finds distressing and conflating them into one single issue. He's quite right to want your son to be able to take charge of his own toilet hygiene at 9 years old.  That's very late in a child's life to still be reliant on a parent for that. That's the real issue here and its a practical one.

    But with respect to the teddy bears, he's mistaken. There are no age-restrictions or gender-restrictions to owning (and getting comfort from) cuddly toys—pr any sentimental objects.  Anyone at any age can have cuddly toys. I'm 50 and I have a gorgeous teddy bear, who sleeps in my bed every night. 

    Your husband needs to separate out these two aspects of your son's life, otherwise he risks damaging his little boy's self-esteem and denying him his birth right to express his love and receive love.  The world doesn't need any more males lacking empathy for themselves and others.

  • My son is in his late teens and has a bed covered in soft toys. Some that he’s had since being little, and some that he’s collected much more recently (mostly plush toys from video games he enjoys). I’m happy for him to have them. They’re in his room which is his space and where I hope he can be comfortable expressing himself freely. He doesn’t take them with him when he goes out somewhere such as school or if we go for a meal or the shops or somewhere like that, nor does he carry them around with him in the house. He did however become quite distressed when it was suggested he put some of them away in his wardrobe one time.

    I’ve seen neurodiverse blokes in their 40s with collections of soft toys, and I bet there are LOTS of men, whether neurodiverse or not, who still have their childhood soft toy tucked away somewhere in their home. I think that as long as there are some boundaries, e.g. avoiding situations where it might lead to mockery or bullying, then having soft toys in a personal environment is perfectly ok.

  • Since autism is a spectrum, it depends on what your son's needs are, but if he can learn to do basic independent skills, then he should do them on his own if he is capable of it. 

  • in reply to Martin

    thank you for your reply i appreciate it. I know he does worry as i do im always trying to focus on the now as so many people say to me about the future so many questions on will he ever work will he live independently i always say see what the future holds my hopes and wishes are yes he will i always tell my son he can do anything because anything is possible. I just think i was not ready for the comment as we are already hitting puberty i just want him to remain my little boy but i know his growing up and i have to accept this and your right tough love is still love  

  • Tough love is still love. It is probable that your husband is worried about the future of your child, and is thinking about the best way for him to become less dependent on others, which itself involves becoming less infantile in outlook.