Paying my son to go to school?

If he's not in school, he'll miss more class, and fall more behind, and he'll have more anxiety, which makes him miss out more of school. But if he wants to become an architect, he needs to stay in school and learn the subjects he needs to succeed. 

The only thing he can do, is start from wherever he is at, and add to his knowledge. That's all anyone can do. I think everyone in school is trying to play catch-up right now, and most students don't know what the heck is going on in class either. 

Thanks for the advice. That's the rational conversation we had - or i had with him this morning. However, if this was only about being rational from a NT perspective we wouldn't have half the problems we do. His ASD makes him aware only of the here and now. He can't consider tomorrow, let alone a couple of years time. 

I know that you might be desperate to get him to stay in school, so you're willing to motivate and bribe him with money, but I don't think that's a good thing for him.

If he's not motivated by anything else except money, and you give him money all the time,  he might just get used to it, and who knows, if you stop giving him money one day, he might get mad at you and things can turn sour. You can't just expect that he'll find any other motivation in life, if you keep dangling money in front of him as a motivator. 

If you're willing to spend the money, spend it on getting him a tutor, someone who provides him with additional assistance for his education. 

Maybe even therapy would be good for him, so he can learn where his anxiety, fears, and need to be perfect are coming from.

I learned very early that my parents didn't have much money, and I'm glad that they never gave me any money or an allowance, because it taught me to be motivated in other ways. 

I hope your son can enjoy his experience in school, and do well in the future. 

Thanks - I really appreciate your kind words and the time you've taken to respond. Yes things in some schools have changed but I'm on a few forums for ASD, SEN type stuff and there are terrible things going on still. I think a lot of it is down to stressed teachers who have so much pressure on them they have no time to step back and think or even learn about what's going on. School management is more concerned with training teachers how to get through OFSTED inspections than increasing their understanding of autism.

Anyway, I could rant for hours....!

Thanks again for your help - good luck to you!

His interests sound like my own. I did go to post secondary for 3D animation, so if he's the creative type who likes to draw and use computers, that's probably another option for him. There's graphic design too for creating typography and logos and things like that, photography, sculpting, there's a lot of creative types of jobs out there. 

I think in school, I had a lot of anxiety and an unsupportive family, but in terms of interest, I learned that if you make any subject a sort of game for yourself, then you'll have fun playing that game for hours. But that's trying to make something engaging for yourself, because teachers might not make things interesting for you. 

I always found it weird that I (and other kids at the time) knew all the original 151 pokemon, but no one could remember 118 elements of the periodic table. 

I think that it's great that the school is accommodating your son's needs because of his anxiety, and they give him time to draw, that's really nice of the school. When I was a very small child, I had a teacher who got very angry at me because they thought that I wasn't paying attention in class, so they grabbed the drawing that I was working on, and threw it into the garbage can. I would say that the teacher overreacted and it's unprofessional, but there was no support systems in place for me. But it's nice to know that things are different for your son, that the school even allows him to be in a separate room and allows time to draw.

Maybe you can find someone who's in the creative industry to talk to your son. Like if they do comic books, animation, manga, something like that. 

It's very selfless of you to say that you don't need the resource as much as others. I know from experience though that not attending to what seems a relatively small issue can cause problems further along the line. You are as important as your clients and if you were unable to work due to ill health then it would be worse because then they wouldn't benefit from having you at your best.

As far as the screens go....we've tried talking about coding, learning about software, computing etc but no interest. He's very visual and I can see he would be good at anything related to design but at the moment anything we discuss is automatically dismissed. It's not like we don't get what he's into. We're both interested in art, design, music and movies. Possible ODD and/or PDA aside, he is very definitely a teenager who suffers from parent-induced cringe!

I think the video game design sounds like a good thing that he might eventually get into. Did your brother need GCSEs for this?

Thank you so much for continuing this.....I fully understand why people might not want to...everyone has their own stuff to take care of....! And I do go on......

His school have been great - the SENDCO is really proactive and very understanding, which is brilliant because I hear horror stories of schools threatening parents and children who don't attend regularly.

Since the end of lockdown he's been on a reduced timetable - he was going in only until break and that got increased to up to lunch and then into the afternoon (recently gone back down to up to lunchtime). This is just getting him into school. When he's at school he's out of about 50% of the lessons. When he needs to leave class due to feeling overhwelmed they allow him to go to a calming room where he draws (he used to be an avid reader but says he can't read anymore as he feels too stressed and anxious) and then he goes back into class when he feels ready.

The school are much better at allowing this now - they used to pressure him and now they just let him be. When he is in class he says most of the time he just sits there and tries to join in but he rarely does the class work as he feels unable to. He says he feels extra stressed at the moment because he doesn't know what's going on because he's been out of class so much - a vicious circle.

He can't even consider the idea of doing homework. Just the thought gets him panicky.

As far as studying what he wants goes....he says he dislikes everything about school. There's no subject he wants to study. And that's the issue really. If he was really focused on something apart from Anime / Manga / cute animals and chatting online there might be something to latch onto in terms of education.

We know his education doesn't have to happen now - his EHCP guarantees him an education till 25. it's just sad for us and for him that he can't enjoy his teenage years at a school which is trying hard to help and where he has friends. I think he sees the next few years there as a prison sentence.

I suppose if he is too overwhelmed by the pressure placed on him, it might end up pushing him into a corner, and he might spend his life in his room on screens due to not being able to handle all the pressure placed on him (or even the pressure he places on himself). Although, there are many people making a living by using their computers now.

I don't think everyone finds their thing yet, and even if they are adults, they might not even know what their thing is yet either. 

Is it possible to work something out with his school, so he can take things slowly and at his own pace, and he has enough time to absorb the material, and study whatever he would like to study in greater detail? 

I have had CBT on the NHS and it was awful. I periodically access therapy via work and it's hit and miss as the therapist changes each time, but I currently have clinical supervision in my role due to the traumatic nature of the type of support I provide, and that is with a counsellor. I take advantage of this by discussing my autism, but it is only once a month and I would benefit from more time. Nevertheless, it is more than what my clients get to access and they've been through far worse than what I have. There are very long waiting lists for NHS therapeutic services, even for those with huge need. I wouldn't feel right using a resource when I'm in quite a good place despite my challenges with autism. 

Is your son not interested in something involving the screens he spends so much time looking at? My younger brother is 17 and not diagnosed but very clearly autistic, and he is now studying video game design. 

Thanks. You know, after a few days of intense posting on forums, reading responses etc I've realised this isn't going to work. He needs to be doing this due to intrinsic motivation. I suspect he has PDA - he seems to fit a lot of the criteria. From that I know he would like the idea of being paid but wouldn't be able to cope with the idea of not getting what he wants if he couldn't attend. I think it would be sort of pushing him into a corner. I know that education doesn't have to happen at this age and can be a lifelong thing. Part of this is my issue - I guess I'm worried that he doesn't find his thing and just continues to spend his life in his room on his screens. 

Well, it seems like your son is in a better position than any of us when we were his age. He has a therapist, and you are willing to just give him money for his grades, and you also try to find people to try and inspire him. He has so much support, and yet I suppose it's not targetting his insecurities about schooling. Perhaps if your son is willing to open up to the therapist about things, then things might get better. 

And I've known people who dropped out of school, some return later to finish their schooling and go on to complete post-secondary education, and others get a job and eventually become managers, and never return to school. 

But anyways, whatever you think would be best for your son, I hope it works out for him. 

Edit: I think I mentioned the drop out thing, not to scare you as a parent, but that dropping out does not mean it's the end of someone's future. However, if dropping out can be avoided, then that's probably better. It'll save on time.

Thanks for your reply and your openness. 

He hasn't met an architect yet but we did arrange a video meet with an autistic professional so that he could find out more about them and how despite their struggles at school they still went on to college and do an interesting job. We thought it would inspire him but I don't think it made any difference. He didn't talk about the conversation afterwards and doesn't seem interested in what they had to say.

One of his issues is that he only seems to be affected by personal experience so we've always found that our advice and that of others doesn't count for much.

A friend came round last week who's a detective. This is also an area of interest to him and the friend is not an archetypal policeman - very laid back and hard for us to believe at times that he's in the Met! My son didn't seem at all interested in talking to him. These aren't complaints - just trying to objectively describe the situation.

Anyway, as for paying him. I've dropped hints and he is very keen. I'm going to run it by his therapist. I'm sure she'll disapprove but at the moment we just need something that works.

As for you, there are ways to get therapy on the NHS. Please keep trying. We've found that constantly contacting people and not letting up has opened doors. No-one likes to make a fuss but sometimes you've got to push  (politely and firmly) for things you need. 

Good luck.

Thanks for your reply and your openness. 

He hasn't met an architect yet but we did arrange a video meet with an autistic professional so that he could find out more about them and how despite their struggles at school they still went on to college and do an interesting job. We thought it would inspire him but I don't think it made any difference. He didn't talk about the conversation afterwards and doesn't seem interested in what they had to say.

One of his issues is that he only seems to be affected by personal experience so we've always found that our advice and that of others doesn't count for much.

A friend came round last week who's a detective. This is also an area of interest to him and the friend is not an archetypal policeman - very laid back and hard for us to believe at times that he's in the Met! My son didn't seem at all interested in talking to him. These aren't complaints - just trying to objectively describe the situation.

Anyway, as for paying him. I've dropped hints and he is very keen. I'm going to run it by his therapist. I'm sure she'll disapprove but at the moment we just need something that works.

As for you, there are ways to get therapy on the NHS. Please keep trying. We've found that constantly contacting people and not letting up has opened doors. No-one likes to make a fuss but sometimes you've got to push  (politely and firmly) for things you need. 

Good luck.

I hope your son can enjoy his experience in school, and do well in the future. 

Thanks - I really appreciate your kind words and the time you've taken to respond. Yes things in some schools have changed but I'm on a few forums for ASD, SEN type stuff and there are terrible things going on still. I think a lot of it is down to stressed teachers who have so much pressure on them they have no time to step back and think or even learn about what's going on. School management is more concerned with training teachers how to get through OFSTED inspections than increasing their understanding of autism.

Anyway, I could rant for hours....!

Thanks again for your help - good luck to you!

His interests sound like my own. I did go to post secondary for 3D animation, so if he's the creative type who likes to draw and use computers, that's probably another option for him. There's graphic design too for creating typography and logos and things like that, photography, sculpting, there's a lot of creative types of jobs out there. 

I think in school, I had a lot of anxiety and an unsupportive family, but in terms of interest, I learned that if you make any subject a sort of game for yourself, then you'll have fun playing that game for hours. But that's trying to make something engaging for yourself, because teachers might not make things interesting for you. 

I always found it weird that I (and other kids at the time) knew all the original 151 pokemon, but no one could remember 118 elements of the periodic table. 

I think that it's great that the school is accommodating your son's needs because of his anxiety, and they give him time to draw, that's really nice of the school. When I was a very small child, I had a teacher who got very angry at me because they thought that I wasn't paying attention in class, so they grabbed the drawing that I was working on, and threw it into the garbage can. I would say that the teacher overreacted and it's unprofessional, but there was no support systems in place for me. But it's nice to know that things are different for your son, that the school even allows him to be in a separate room and allows time to draw.

Maybe you can find someone who's in the creative industry to talk to your son. Like if they do comic books, animation, manga, something like that. 

It's very selfless of you to say that you don't need the resource as much as others. I know from experience though that not attending to what seems a relatively small issue can cause problems further along the line. You are as important as your clients and if you were unable to work due to ill health then it would be worse because then they wouldn't benefit from having you at your best.

As far as the screens go....we've tried talking about coding, learning about software, computing etc but no interest. He's very visual and I can see he would be good at anything related to design but at the moment anything we discuss is automatically dismissed. It's not like we don't get what he's into. We're both interested in art, design, music and movies. Possible ODD and/or PDA aside, he is very definitely a teenager who suffers from parent-induced cringe!

I think the video game design sounds like a good thing that he might eventually get into. Did your brother need GCSEs for this?

Thank you so much for continuing this.....I fully understand why people might not want to...everyone has their own stuff to take care of....! And I do go on......

His school have been great - the SENDCO is really proactive and very understanding, which is brilliant because I hear horror stories of schools threatening parents and children who don't attend regularly.

Since the end of lockdown he's been on a reduced timetable - he was going in only until break and that got increased to up to lunch and then into the afternoon (recently gone back down to up to lunchtime). This is just getting him into school. When he's at school he's out of about 50% of the lessons. When he needs to leave class due to feeling overhwelmed they allow him to go to a calming room where he draws (he used to be an avid reader but says he can't read anymore as he feels too stressed and anxious) and then he goes back into class when he feels ready.

The school are much better at allowing this now - they used to pressure him and now they just let him be. When he is in class he says most of the time he just sits there and tries to join in but he rarely does the class work as he feels unable to. He says he feels extra stressed at the moment because he doesn't know what's going on because he's been out of class so much - a vicious circle.

He can't even consider the idea of doing homework. Just the thought gets him panicky.

As far as studying what he wants goes....he says he dislikes everything about school. There's no subject he wants to study. And that's the issue really. If he was really focused on something apart from Anime / Manga / cute animals and chatting online there might be something to latch onto in terms of education.

We know his education doesn't have to happen now - his EHCP guarantees him an education till 25. it's just sad for us and for him that he can't enjoy his teenage years at a school which is trying hard to help and where he has friends. I think he sees the next few years there as a prison sentence.

I suppose if he is too overwhelmed by the pressure placed on him, it might end up pushing him into a corner, and he might spend his life in his room on screens due to not being able to handle all the pressure placed on him (or even the pressure he places on himself). Although, there are many people making a living by using their computers now.

I don't think everyone finds their thing yet, and even if they are adults, they might not even know what their thing is yet either. 

Is it possible to work something out with his school, so he can take things slowly and at his own pace, and he has enough time to absorb the material, and study whatever he would like to study in greater detail? 

I have had CBT on the NHS and it was awful. I periodically access therapy via work and it's hit and miss as the therapist changes each time, but I currently have clinical supervision in my role due to the traumatic nature of the type of support I provide, and that is with a counsellor. I take advantage of this by discussing my autism, but it is only once a month and I would benefit from more time. Nevertheless, it is more than what my clients get to access and they've been through far worse than what I have. There are very long waiting lists for NHS therapeutic services, even for those with huge need. I wouldn't feel right using a resource when I'm in quite a good place despite my challenges with autism. 

Is your son not interested in something involving the screens he spends so much time looking at? My younger brother is 17 and not diagnosed but very clearly autistic, and he is now studying video game design. 

Thanks. You know, after a few days of intense posting on forums, reading responses etc I've realised this isn't going to work. He needs to be doing this due to intrinsic motivation. I suspect he has PDA - he seems to fit a lot of the criteria. From that I know he would like the idea of being paid but wouldn't be able to cope with the idea of not getting what he wants if he couldn't attend. I think it would be sort of pushing him into a corner. I know that education doesn't have to happen at this age and can be a lifelong thing. Part of this is my issue - I guess I'm worried that he doesn't find his thing and just continues to spend his life in his room on his screens. 

Well, it seems like your son is in a better position than any of us when we were his age. He has a therapist, and you are willing to just give him money for his grades, and you also try to find people to try and inspire him. He has so much support, and yet I suppose it's not targetting his insecurities about schooling. Perhaps if your son is willing to open up to the therapist about things, then things might get better. 

And I've known people who dropped out of school, some return later to finish their schooling and go on to complete post-secondary education, and others get a job and eventually become managers, and never return to school. 

But anyways, whatever you think would be best for your son, I hope it works out for him. 

Edit: I think I mentioned the drop out thing, not to scare you as a parent, but that dropping out does not mean it's the end of someone's future. However, if dropping out can be avoided, then that's probably better. It'll save on time.