Published on 12, July, 2020
Sorry for the long post - but just need to give some background.
My son was diagnosed ASD just before lockdown (March 2020) in Y7. From Y6 he was being absent from class and this built up during Y7. Since returning after lockdown the situation is worse. He was on a reduced timetable - mornings only - and seemed fine with that. However, now, in Y9, he's rarely in school. He has anxiety and has had OCD - mainly intrusive thoughts - since Y5. This has got worse and used to lead to regular meltdowns. Now this seems to have changed a bit and he says that he mainly feels stressed and restless. He's currently with the Tavistock Autism department and has therapy for anxiety once a week but this is very long term (which is great) but we don't see his attitude to school changing much.
In class he says he feels stressed and overwhelmed. He told me this morning that 50% of that stress is due to him feeling that he doesn't know what's going on because of what he's missed. He's very bright (we think this is one reason he was able to get away with masking in primary school - they didn't worry about him because he was always able to get reasonable scores in tests).
He's very much a perfectionist and finds it difficult to just sit in class and try to get used to the discussions etc. He will obsess about not understanding every small detail and therefore come to the conclusion that if he doesn't understand everything he's going to do really badly. So, it's a vicious circle.
He has an EHCP for 25 hours but the support can only work if he's in school.
So now I'm thinking should we pay him for being in school? He's very motivated by money. It sounds terrible I know but at the moment we're getting worried as he's missed so much school. His GCSE course starts next year and if his approach continues like this he will miss out on that. We don't feel that he must be academic or needs to go to university etc but we want him to have options and we feel these are being narrowed - just that he doesn't have the foresight to know that. And what 14 year old really listens to their parents? He wants to be an architect and we've explained that this will mean studying and university but all that he can think about is not going to school right now because it's too stressful.
Any advice and suggestions are much appreciated. Thanks.
Hello Rolu,
Sorry to hear about your son's struggles. It must be very stressful for all of you. We had a similar situation last year although my son is still in primary school. He was diagnosed last June and was refusing school. It took us a while and a cognitive test to realise that although very bright, he would always struggle in school because of slow processing speed. So, adjustments needed to be made and he also needed to work with staff who better understood his challenges. So we got the school to become more involved and to get to know his profile better. He has now been granted an Ehc plan which will hopefully make things even better. Maybe there is someone in school you can talk to?
Also, tangible rewards to motivate my son to do things he is not keen on do work for us. He is happy to choose a small toy or something he is really interested in at the time if he has collected enough stickers, let's say 50 of them.
I know, we are all different and situations differ but I hope this helps.
Wishing you all the best.
Thanks Nana. He has an EHCP and the school have been very accommodating but they can't do anything if he doesn't attend. When he is there he has support in class but when he says that he doesn't understand something he then gets caught up in a cycle of thinking he'll never get it. He doesn't have the foresight or resilience to just give sitting in the lesson and trying, which we know will eventually lead to him feeling like he does understand as he's bright enough to fill in the gaps.
We've tried to build up rewards with points leading to treats but he's not interested. Money is his motivation!
We have bribed him in the past (paid him first to get him to do things) but were told that this only encourages his OCD. Now I'm thinking that paying him at the end of each week is similar to an adult getting paid - and he'd need to do all his work - although I would hope at some point he can motivate himself.