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About masking/school

NAS75635

Hello,

 My daughter was diagnosed with ASD over the summer.  I am a bit confused about something.

The school say that she is  "fine " in class, putting her hand up in class and participating well. Almost as though she does not have ASD diagnosis.

When she is at home, she hides away in her room, listening to audio books or on the ipad etc. On the weekends she wants to stay home and does not want to go out.

She does not refuse to go to school but she definitely prefers to be at home.

 My question is that from what I have read that kids with ASD are meant to struggle at school, particularly with sensory issues.. So how can she be "fine" at school when they are at this stage making no allowances for her in the classroom or playground?

How do I know if she is masking or if she really is ok?

Another important question  which I am really having trouble with understanding about masking is-  what would she( or other children)  be like in class if she was not masking. I have read that autistic people should be able to be themselves but what does this look like? Is it just that they should be free to remove themselves from a situation which is difficult for them and come back when  the environment is calmer?

How does an autistic person/ child mask their communication difficulties. My daughter seems to get on quite well with her friends.

 I know these might seem strange questions but I am trying to understand this very new diagnosis and am confused about why everything thing is "fine" at school when if the diagnosis is correct, there should be some sensory/ communication things that she is struggling with.

Regards

  • in reply to Stinkyted

    Hi Stinky Ted,

    This must be very hard for you to see your wonderful daughter struggling like this.

    I will keep in mind that my daughter may struggle even more as she grows into her teens.

    I am doing so much reading about it at the moment. However understanding the theory and applying that theory are totally different things!

    There is a subset of ASD that I have read about called PDA which I found really interesting as this subset does have good friendships.    https://www.pdasociety.org.uk/

    I have heard that some high schools will allow a child to do a couple of subjects through online course ( not provided by the school but by a commercial organization)  so that they do not have to be at school so much. I know nothing more about it other than that. Maybe you can ask the school whether she can reduced subjects for GCSEs etc.

    A friend's daughter, also diagnosed left school early and went to collage rather than A levels- she found it much easier managing herself and only turning up when she needed to for subjects that she found relevant. She did business studies of some sort and has now transferred to commerce degree  at a university.

    Regards


  • Hi! 

    This sounds very much like my daughter. She is 14 and after a long period of her struggling with her mental health we have realised she is autistic. We are in the process of trying to get a formal diagnosis.

    We recently had parents evening. All of her teachers said what a pleasure she is in class, she is reaching all of her academic targets and has a good circle of friends. 

    At home she is mainly distant, likes to be her room with headphones on or on her phone. She appears either, angry, sad, anxious and depressed. When she is stressed she tics or stimms. 

    By Thursday she is burnt out from masking all week and often does not go to school on a Friday.

    On a Thursday evening she will usually be extremely tired even to the point of hallucinating. We thought she had a serious mental health condition but now we realise it is the stress of the week catching up with her. 

    I have found a lady in my area that works with parents and schools to put things in place during the school day to support the child. This could be working in a quieter area, having somewhere calm to go at lunch time, having a regular 'check in' so staff know how she's feeling and if she's struggling.

    As exist says, she probably doesn't even realise she's masking. She just knows she's stressed and shattered and doesn't understand why.

    I can totally relate to your confusion!  We've worried ourselves sick about our daughter. She's felt suicidal and self harmed which is terrifying and heartbreaking.

    Your daughter probably is having sensory and communication issues but she's managing to mask them. From what I understand the teen years become harder for them as social interactions and relationships become more complex. 

    I don't know where you are, but in my area there is a new scheme that offers coaching for the young person and separate support for parents so we are going to give that a go. 

    I've also started following autisticlauren on instagram. She puts really honest posts up about what every day life feels like for her. Ive found them really helpful.

  • I think, and I'm autistic myself, that masking is a bit overplayed as being deleterious for autistic people. Everyone masks in public, including neurotypicals, if we didn't and everyone was authentic and entirely honest, there would be chaos. What is different for autistics, is that masking and social interactions generally are more exhausting. Being an autistic in public is a bit like acting, your daughter has to use her intellect to do things that allistic people do subconsciously and without effort. Think how exhausted you would be if every day you had to 'remember all your lines' and all the 'stage directions' in a never-ending play. To fully participate in society autistics have to do these things. It is fine that your daughter is staying at home and relaxing out of school hours, she is recharging her ability to socialise at school. It is only if she starts having behaviour problems in school that you need worry, because this means that she is not getting enough 'time-out' to recharge her 'social batteries'. 

    Like myself, my autistic daughter never cordially liked school, or, more accurately, hated it. Schools are just not suited to autistics, but there is little practical that can be done about this, unfortunately. However, she left school with 10 GCSEs, 7 at A*, and 3 A-levels, all at A*, so autistics can do well academically at school, even if they hate the institution itself.