ASD teenage daughter stays in her room and is hostile

Hi :-)

My 14yr old daughter was diagnosed with ASD when she was 9.  She is high functioning, but suffers from emotional issues, including anger - especially towards me (her mum).  I do love her dearly even if I struggle with her at times.

Everything calmed down for a few years but over the past few months she started not going into school because she was feeling sick.  I guessed after a few times that she wasn't really sick but was suffering from anxiety.  She wanted to stay in her room more and more until now she barely comes out.  Recently she had to stay off school because of being in touch with another child with covid.  When it was her turn to go back to school, she refused and even faked a test to pretend she had covid.  Again, she complained of being sick.  My daughter agreed to go back but only if she could study on her own.  I rang the school and they agreed, but when she returned that wasn't okay, she freaked out and wanted to come home.  Now she is at home where I've said I'll home school her until September. 

I've tried counselling, but she refuses to go.  I'm blamed for getting her diagnosed, she is angry with me for saying that she has autism because there's nothing wrong with her.  She doesn't want to be different. What's concerning me most lately is that she barely comes out of her room.  She eats all of her meals in there and asks me to leave them by the door. As soon as I open the door she is telling me to close it and to go away.  A few days ago she had a meltdown because I asked if she wanted to talk about anything and she told me to 'go f*iing kill myself' and that I was an embarrassment to her.  Needless to say that was devastating, but it isn't the first time she's spoken to me that way.

I'll be okay - I'm dealing with it by staying calm and being non-reactory as possible, even when she is verbally abusive.  I'm also setting limits and encouraging better behaviour.   I know she's trying to get a reaction from me or maybe she is just trying to get me away from her.  I'm a bit lost as to what to do.  She won't attend counselling again and she acts like she hates my guts.  I'm worried  - I know that 14 is difficult (I was a difficult teenager as well without ASD), but teenage years combined with ASD is like a double whammy.  I feel as though she is struggling to deal with life but the only people she wants to talk to are her friends.  

If anyone has any ideas, I'd be grateful.

  • I know this post was written a while ago but I wondered if things have improved for you NAS74003?

    Your post could have been written about my 13 year old daughter. Everything you’ve said is exactly what we’re dealing with at the moment. 

    We just don’t know what to do. She won’t look at us let alone talk to us. Communication is by text or her yelling through her bedroom door.

    She says she hates us and we’re bad parents.

    Any advise will be greatly received. Really struggling.

  • Hello. I have just read your post, and just want to say we are having the same issues too. My daughter is 12, will not go to school, and is now spending all her time in her room. When she’s not raging she goes mute, and points and gesticulates to let me know what she wants. She doesn’t want to come downstairs as she says it’s germs. She’s now not wanting anything in her room, I can’t even put her clothes away. Her anxiety and distress is immense right now. I am trying to find a therapist to come to the house, which is probing difficult.

    Are you still in the same situation? 

  • Hi All,  This resonates with my situation too! Have things improved? Is there light at the end of the tunnel?

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