Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi :-)
My 14yr old daughter was diagnosed with ASD when she was 9. She is high functioning, but suffers from emotional issues, including anger - especially towards me (her mum). I do love her dearly even if I struggle with her at times.
Everything calmed down for a few years but over the past few months she started not going into school because she was feeling sick. I guessed after a few times that she wasn't really sick but was suffering from anxiety. She wanted to stay in her room more and more until now she barely comes out. Recently she had to stay off school because of being in touch with another child with covid. When it was her turn to go back to school, she refused and even faked a test to pretend she had covid. Again, she complained of being sick. My daughter agreed to go back but only if she could study on her own. I rang the school and they agreed, but when she returned that wasn't okay, she freaked out and wanted to come home. Now she is at home where I've said I'll home school her until September.
I've tried counselling, but she refuses to go. I'm blamed for getting her diagnosed, she is angry with me for saying that she has autism because there's nothing wrong with her. She doesn't want to be different. What's concerning me most lately is that she barely comes out of her room. She eats all of her meals in there and asks me to leave them by the door. As soon as I open the door she is telling me to close it and to go away. A few days ago she had a meltdown because I asked if she wanted to talk about anything and she told me to 'go f*iing kill myself' and that I was an embarrassment to her. Needless to say that was devastating, but it isn't the first time she's spoken to me that way.
I'll be okay - I'm dealing with it by staying calm and being non-reactory as possible, even when she is verbally abusive. I'm also setting limits and encouraging better behaviour. I know she's trying to get a reaction from me or maybe she is just trying to get me away from her. I'm a bit lost as to what to do. She won't attend counselling again and she acts like she hates my guts. I'm worried - I know that 14 is difficult (I was a difficult teenager as well without ASD), but teenage years combined with ASD is like a double whammy. I feel as though she is struggling to deal with life but the only people she wants to talk to are her friends.
If anyone has any ideas, I'd be grateful.
I agree with what Gerty says in their post. My daughter is 15 and although not as extreme as your daughter, she has done all those things at times.
I've also put it down to a phase because I've watched her go through phases, it's mind boggling to watch. One month she's angry and screaming, then a few months later she is calm and thoughtful. She also threw a huge tantrum when she was diagnosed and nearly hit me. She spent months worrying about it before and after, getting into real downward spirals.
Now she's come to terms with the diagnosis, she said she always knew she was a bit different.
I think the major thing which has helped her is making new friends. She has a lovely group of friends now whereas til now (year 10) she didn't really have a group, just the odd one here and there. Her friends also have 'differences' e.g. one has Aspergers, one has diabetes, another has ADHD. I don't know if her school encouraged them to meet or they naturally met but she chats to them on Facetime when she is off school. She even went to one of their birthday parties which is a huge step.
I hope your daughter can meet some friends even if it's not at school. I think that is a big help.