Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi :-)
My 14yr old daughter was diagnosed with ASD when she was 9. She is high functioning, but suffers from emotional issues, including anger - especially towards me (her mum). I do love her dearly even if I struggle with her at times.
Everything calmed down for a few years but over the past few months she started not going into school because she was feeling sick. I guessed after a few times that she wasn't really sick but was suffering from anxiety. She wanted to stay in her room more and more until now she barely comes out. Recently she had to stay off school because of being in touch with another child with covid. When it was her turn to go back to school, she refused and even faked a test to pretend she had covid. Again, she complained of being sick. My daughter agreed to go back but only if she could study on her own. I rang the school and they agreed, but when she returned that wasn't okay, she freaked out and wanted to come home. Now she is at home where I've said I'll home school her until September.
I've tried counselling, but she refuses to go. I'm blamed for getting her diagnosed, she is angry with me for saying that she has autism because there's nothing wrong with her. She doesn't want to be different. What's concerning me most lately is that she barely comes out of her room. She eats all of her meals in there and asks me to leave them by the door. As soon as I open the door she is telling me to close it and to go away. A few days ago she had a meltdown because I asked if she wanted to talk about anything and she told me to 'go f*iing kill myself' and that I was an embarrassment to her. Needless to say that was devastating, but it isn't the first time she's spoken to me that way.
I'll be okay - I'm dealing with it by staying calm and being non-reactory as possible, even when she is verbally abusive. I'm also setting limits and encouraging better behaviour. I know she's trying to get a reaction from me or maybe she is just trying to get me away from her. I'm a bit lost as to what to do. She won't attend counselling again and she acts like she hates my guts. I'm worried - I know that 14 is difficult (I was a difficult teenager as well without ASD), but teenage years combined with ASD is like a double whammy. I feel as though she is struggling to deal with life but the only people she wants to talk to are her friends.
If anyone has any ideas, I'd be grateful.
Have you told her how it makes you feel?.
I think it's part of the job description to be an embarrassment to your children, but very stressful for her to be so rude to you. You are right she is trying to get a reaction
If she is safe in her bedroom I would leave her there, and take the opportunity to do something that interests you, or go out and meet your own friends. I.e. a bit of 'me' time for yourself.
I always put difficult behaviour down to a 'phase' and wait for them to grow out of it.
Sorry not.much help but it may be part of growing up and.making the break from you.
I watched a David Attenborough film where a mother lion and daughter had a big fight, it was explained that this is part of life when it's time for the daughter to separate from the parent. I always remember that when my daughter is being difficult. She is always nice to.me when she wants money!
At age 14 she could also help with meals, let her choose what to cook, within reason!