Published on 12, July, 2020
I appreciate I am posting under the 'Parents and carers' category. I am neither, however, I am married to an aspie and I just need some help.
I would be very grateful if someone could point me in the direction of all the other frazzled husbands/wives?
I've been married a year and a half, we moved in together when we got married (not due to tradition, but due to commitments that prevented our co-habiting sooner).
A couple of WEEKS after moving in I asked myself: 'who is this selfish, uncaring, unsympathetic, I'm-always-right, rude, arrogant man, and where the HELL is my husband??'
A confusing, emotional and unbearable year passed (no, there was no 'honeymoon period' for us), and we finally have the answer (I'll give you a hint, it starts with 'A' and rhymes with blasperger's)
Since then I've read books and really brushed up on my knowledge of the big 'A'. I'm still mourning the life I expected to live when I got married. It's very, very sad. I now have a completely different view of the man I married and it breaks my heart. He's someone else entirely now. But things are getting better. The last 6 months have been amazing. It's so hard trying to forget everything I know about communication and starting again, and even harder to view things from his perspective, but I'm getting there.
Tonight, however, is a turning point. I need help. It's the first night I'm not sleeping in the same bed as him. Because of his sensory issues, I've not been able to read a book or peruse my laptop before bed in all the time we've been married. He point blank refuses to wear an eye-mask and ear-buds because they irritate him too much. I haven't slept well recently so now I have to sleep in a different room until I sort it out.
Ugh, please I just need help to cope with this. I'm 25 and sleeping in a single bed. This isn't RIGHT!!!
THe main thing is to remember, he did not change, he is the man he always was. And there are great things baout being married to an Aspie. You will never find a more loyal trustworthy guy. You will likely always know where he is at night and you won't have to worry about all sorts of things other women do. My husband remembers every minute detail of our romance, every insignificant anniversary of everything. He just shows his romance differently. So there is the good side.
I think in a marriage with an Aspie, just like a marriage to anyone, there are going to be bad times. There are going to be times you feel unappreciated and a lack of affection. But the thing to remember is that with an Aspie, both the appreciation and affection are probably there, they are just being communicated a different way.
If you are able to get into a place where you stop mourning the man who never was, it will help a lot. And trust me, the shock of realizing what you have married has happened to many a NT couple, so you are not only not alone in your feelings, there are a lot more people who feel it then you realize. Marriage is hard. But if you and your husband can find a way to meet half way, it will help. And if you want to talk to him about the things in your relationship that are making you unhappy, do it is a non-blamey way. Explain to him specifically what it is you need from him that you aren't getting. It is possible to reach a compromise where it isn't all him, and it isn't all you, but it is both of you getting what you need without giving what you can't give?
Yes, the rules are a bit different with an Aspie man, but that doesn't make him any less viable or wonderful a partner in the end.