School and social issues

Hi

I am new to this group and have a 12 year old daughter recently diagnosed. My daughter gets completely exhausted by school and misses a lot. The senco is excellent and works closely with me but its hard to know how to make it work. We will now try a reduced timetable where she either goes in a bit later or takes an hour break at school. What makes it hard is that one can have a good week  and you think youve got it sorted and then the next week it just doesn't work. Your city council should have a version of https://contact.org.uk/ who help you talk with the school to get the changes needed.

Hi

I am not sure what advice I can give you, we are very new to this and my daughter is also 13. She had not been to school for 7 months. She is now attending for 30mins a day not in uniform and no lessons. No pressure at all. We have got the school nurse involved and a charity called Sendiass the support has been amazing from both of them and they really seem to give the school a kick up the backside. Do you have any of these involved? We were advised not to change school and not to home school as if we home schooled we would not get any support. 

My older daughter was happy at her secondary school, but there was a merger with another school when she was 13. The result of the merger was a brand-new school building that was all glass-walls, inside and out, she hated being there. It was about twice the size of her original school and the feeling of always being visible really had a bad effect on her. Modern buildings can be very stressful for autistics.

My niece is 14 and undiagnosed currently, but parents seeking one. She was bullied badly at the end of primary and massively in her first year of secondary. She was moved to another school where there wasn't bullying, but by then she was so scared of others and social situations that she found it tough and then Covid hit and she lost all confidence to go to school at all. She has since moved to a small, independent school that has been fantastic in supporting her and her parents. They accepted her doing shorter days/weeks initially and allow her to have time out in the art room when it gets too much in lessons. Unfortunately this type of school isn't an option for every parent.

My son is recently diagnosed and will be off to secondary in 2 years time. I was lucky that his current primary were the people who recommended I seek a diagnosis, and they do try to support him, but I am seriously considering a small independent school for secondary, one which has a lot of experience with SEN. I spoke to a colleague whose son is now 20 about his secondary experience. He went to a mainstream secondary, but they were really understanding of his needs and he had a happy 5 years there, which gives me hope! However, he didn;t get on so well with sixth form college.

I suppose I'm trying to say it doesn't all need to be so bad, but from what I've read on this forum so far (I'm pretty new to it) and experiences outside, it seems as though the girls might have a harder time, presumably because of the masking and later in getting diagnosed. I hope you are able to find a school where your daughters are happier and better supported. I am so grateful for this forum to hear as much advice as possible.

If your daughter has a clinical ASC diagnosis the school is, in theory, obliged to make accommodations for your daughter's welfare. I would suggest trying to interact with the school, to put in place some practical measures. Such things might be as simple as allowing her to sit in a quiet place, such as a school library, if she is feeling overwhelmed. I know break times were often fraught for me, and having a quiet refuge would have helped. I wasn't diagnosed until 59 years of age, but I suffered in school, so I know what it is like.

This as I see it is the eternal dilemma for autistic people. Masking makes it hard to get friends, you’re not yourself with people so they’re not getting to know the real you. What’s worse the version of you they’re getting to know is a bad approximation of a normal person. At best it’s a very bland person.

your daughter would probably find it easier to make friends if she didn’t mask. Problem is for every friend she’d probably make two enemies and quite a lot of them might be teachers.

This is the first time I've been on here. We are also struggling. My daughter is 10, school refuse to help or apply for an EHCP because she is so good at masking at school. The stress & anxiety it causes her is exhausting. We are not alone but all struggling to find some help & understanding. I feel like I go round in circles trying to find some help. Keep going for your daughter 

This is the first time I've been on here. We are also struggling. My daughter is 10, school refuse to help or apply for an EHCP because she is so good at masking at school. The stress & anxiety it causes her is exhausting. We are not alone but all struggling to find some help & understanding. I feel like I go round in circles trying to find some help. Keep going for your daughter 

So nice to have someone to chat to in the same situation. I wish I could meet parents in my area and get my daughter meeting some like minded people. Really considering home schooling right now. 

I agree all high schools seem to be totally useless 

sorry but school is hell for us. none of us would have good experiences in school unless perhaps they were diagnosed and maybe had some form of support? but most generally wasnt diagnosed and thus was thrown to the sharks.... 

if you was wanting advice off me, it would be that high schools are fecking useless and out of control and dont teach you anything anyway. it is best to skip high school all together if possible, your kid will learn more at home by themselves. they will go through alot of mental trauma at school and be bullied alot and the teachers will likely pick the popular kids side and join in and even then biasedly give your kid crap grades for no reason aside from failing lifes popularity contest. school sucks, the only best way is to avoid it. it doesnt teach anything anyway, but i guess its illegal to avoid it so.... i guess you cant take that advice.... me personally the end of my school years i just went in as usual then broke out and spent the day in the bushes outside of school until it was home time and skipped hundreds of days this way without anyone even noticing.... my absence was noticed only 2 times i think.... anyway my most fondest memory of school was sitting in the bushes skipping it! lmao

Hi! 

I don't have any advice I'm afraid just but wanted to say we are in the same boat exactly! New to this forum today and saw your message and felt I had to just say I know how you feel! I also have a 13 year old girl who does exactly the same as your daughter, not in school again today cause she was upset yesterday and exhausted from the masking. Also trying to find a school with a bit more understanding but don't know where to start. I think about just taking her out all the time Sorry no help but just wanted to say you're not alone!