Teenage son suffering from loneliness and social isolation - Any advice gratefully received

Hi everyone,

I am new to the forum and don’t really know what I’m doing so I hope that this messages reaches some parents going through a similar struggle or anyone who has been through this and has come out the other side. 

I will try to keep my son’s story brief, but basically when he was in senior school, my son attended a school for autistic students. He was more able than the other students there so didn’t really make any friends but he was happy there as he had a fantastic support network from the staff. He was confident, happy to go to school and looking forward to his future. Unfortunately, his final year of school was cut short due to covid and so his support network go cut off too. He started at the local 6th Form college in September 2020 not knowing a sole and having had no transitions. There was no support in place for him and for the first three months the college weren’t even aware that he had special needs. No staff checked on him to see how he was and no staff offered him any kind of help or support to settle in.

From September 2020 to the present day, he has made no friends, has barely spoken to anyone outside of the house and his personality has completely changed. He has become totally socially isolated and is suffering with loneliness both on a social and emotional level. He has developed severe social anxiety and his self esteem is at an all time low. He finally broke down and told us how bad he was feeling on Christmas Day. It was absolutely heart breaking to think that he had been so upset and had held it all in. We contacted the college and he now speaks to a mentor online once a fortnight but he is getting no help to make friends or overcome his social anxiety. Only a month ago, he became so low again that he had another crisis and we ended up phoning the doctors. He was referred to a local mental health charity for young people but we heard today that he cannot be helped by them and we now have to self refer to another place. My son just feels like he is in limbo. Nothing is changing or getting better for him and he still has no friends and feels desperately lonely. He is dreading returning to college after the Easter break as he spends all of his break times and lunch times just wondering around town by himself. It is so soul destroying for him to see everyone else in groups and looking happy whilst he is always alone and has no one to talk to.

If any parent or any autistic person reading this has gone through anything similar or is going through anything similar, please reach out to me. I am really struggling as I myself have become isolated since having two autistic children as I never made friends with the other mums in the playground (my kids didn’t fit in so neither did I) and people I do know who do have  children, don’t have children with autism and don’t understand the struggles that our family face. 

Thank you in advance to any one who reads this and gets in touch. Parenting autism can be a lonely place sometimes and as much as I need some advice and support myself, I would like to be a support to any others who need it too. 

X x x

  • Great response O, My son loves gaming and F1 and can talk about them for ages, it is good that he has interests and to try and find others that have the same interests. As you say there are many local facebook groups who may meet up in person parents and children alike so the parents can meet people in similiar situations and children have the opportunity to make new friends.

    As with anything on the internet i'd just make sure any interaction is monitored, the internet can be a great place, but there is also the flip side were a lot of dodgy people use it too. It's all about balance.

    I hope you make some friends in your local area and no doubt you will meet people on here who you can chat with.

  • Hi. I have come to this forum tonight for the first time ever out of a sense of desperation and much of what you have said rings true for me and and my wife looking for support for both our autistic daughter and also us ourselves. I'm sure you can look for my other two posts from tonight and get a sense of my own worries without me repeating it all again. I came looking for support. Not necessarily answers but to know we are not alone. Surely with the prevalence of autism these days and the wonders of the Internet it should not be so hard to find a thriving support community?  I'm sorry to read of the daily difficulties your son is having, I feel our daughter is having a similar time but we cannot get any meaningful communication from her as she bottles everything up. I won't go into any other detail now as it's 1.30 and i have to be up at a reasonable time but I hope to hear back from you and we can talk about things a lot more. 

  • Hi I'm 22 and was diagnosed with ASD a few weeks ago after living my life very very isolated because I'm just not good a socialising and talking to people in general. I don't know about your child in the way he thinks but for me I have two sides of this social coin that toss about all the time. I really want to socialise and make friends but I just am not good at it at all and the other side is I've found a lot of my happiness and calmness in educating myself about anything I find interesting and with gaming.

    I say that because your son may have very specific special interests that not many 'normal' people have or if they do no where near the degree of interest your son has with them, it might be worth almost just learning more about him and what he likes and is interested in.

    For example I LOVE Astronomy I'm unbelievably fascinated with space and the universe I will sit and just watch the moon for hours at night because it's so amazing that this thing is there and is so important to to our world and your son might feel the same way with something else. so if he or you can find groups on Facebook just as an example that are based on his special interests they can be great places for him to have nice little conversations with people on comment sections about certain things, or if he likes gaming he can join discords which are small online communities that are all about specific games he could start to play online with these people and make friends that way. I know that it's all online but for someone in his position where he just doesn't relate to anyone he comes into contact with (like me) it can be really nice to talk about what you like.

    I'm in the same situation as your son I do not have one single friend outside of my immediate family members I have zero social life but this forum on here over the last few days has made me feel a lot better about my self and its been so nice to read other people that have the same experiences as me because I've always felt so alone in the world so I think I might know how your son might be feeling and there are things have made me feel better even over the last few weeks which I thought COULD NEVER HAPPEN.

    I hope this helps I'm not sure if anyone else has said the same as me I didn't read the other responses.

    O

  • Hi NASMRSC and welcome.

    In addition to the great community here on the forum, Parent to Parent may be a useful support outlet:

    https://www.autism.org.uk/what-we-do/help-and-support/parent-to-parent

    The contact number is 0808 800 4106 and will re-open for calls on 3rd May.

    All the best,

    Kevin Mod

  • Looking at things from your sons perspective it maybe be that's he's just learnt what 'normal' people his own age are like. Being in a specialist school with lots of intellectually disabled kids he probably didn't feel intimidated by them or feel particularly drawn to their company. Now suddenly he's been thrust into a world both beautiful and savage. A world with mean kids who pick on people for being different ... or at least only choose to include those who aren't different. A world with jokes and fun and messing about and banter. Suddenly his peers are appealing to him, able to carry on an interesting conversations. They show creativity and playfulness he probably hasn't seen in the special school. And there are girls, attractive, flirtatious possibly even overtly sexual girls and he probably doesn't have a clue how to approach them. Your son just became aware of a whole new world and he probably wants in, but at the same time he's aware the gap between that world and his world is huge and cavourness and he has no idea how to cross it. No wonder he's depressed and overwhelmed.

    I have no good answers. To teach him to fit in? It's like trying to teach a fish to breath air. What is the equation for a smile? The decision criteria for a joke? NTs say they understand body language and subtext and tone and social norms and expectations. OK but can you quantify it? Reduce it to maths that can be put into a book and taught systematically? They try to teach autistic students with 'social stories' but they breakdown for anything complicated like the world your son now faces. How do you differentiate between people teasing you because they don't like you and because they do? How do you define the difference, in a quantitative objective fashion, between flirting and being 'creepy'? His best bet to make friends is probably to be really open and direct, wear his heart on his sleeve and speak his mind, it'll also probably get him kicked out of college pretty quick for saying or doing something that is deemed politically incorrect or just generally insensitive ... right now I have no good answers for you.

  • Your son sounds like ours, he is high functioning and is in mainstream school. This is something I have worried about with my son for a long time, at Junior school he really struggled to make any friends and the thought of him walking around the playground on his own made me so upset. He is 15 now and in senior school and has a small set of friends. He will soon be going to college and will be in the same situation as your son. The college need to be putting things in place for him to help him integrate with other students on his course otherwise he just won't want to go at all.

    I think it is a case of just keep on harassing the college to get them to put in place strategies to help him out.

    Also are there any local autism clubs that he could go to or other things such as scouts etc?

    Some local autism clubs have family days or social events that could introduce you to other families - although with bloody covid these might not be taking place.

    Does your son play online at all?

    Maybe we should start an online club for children to connect and play together!

  • Hi im new to this so I hope I'm  doing it right lol my sons is 16 and has aspbergers I feel asif ive let my son down because j have so little knowledge of asd and what I do know I've gathered together online, his school helps educationaly but as far as encouraging life skills ...my worries are for his future ...sorry im rambling my brains In over drive Red car 

  • Thank you so much for your reply. I am sorry to hear of the struggles that you and your daughters have been through. Some very similar experiences. I am going to work out how to add you as a friend and send you a private message! Apologies, I am new to forums! No idea how to use them!!! 

  • Hi, I'm sorry you & your son are struggling so much. I can relate to much of what you say. I also have 2 children with ASD. My eldest wasn't diagnosed until she broke down at college during A levels at 18, despite the fact I'd flagged up concerns 10+ years earlier. After A levels she did make up for 2 years at a different college. Didn't make any friends at either college. She's now 22 & been out of college for 2 years. Not been in any employment or training since. Refuses to claim anything.

    My youngest took 6 years to get diagnosed. She had the benefit of an EHCP from late year 9, so was supported in her final years at school & during her college course. She is now part way through a degree, which she is doing in conjunction with a college (not uni). She made no friends at college either, despite being there for over 3 years now. 

    Why are college doing nothing to support your son? Surely he has an EHCP? He wouldn't have been in a special school otherwise. This should have been reviewed prior to him starting college to ensure support was in place. My daughters college forgot about her EHCP to start with & I had to remind them & get the support put in place. It took 2 weeks before everything was sorted & she was at the point of leaving. I had to really kick ***. I had both of them at the same place at the same time, both threatening to leave due to lack of support, so I had to kick *** for both. Thankfully my eldest's tutors were helpful, but the actual college are awful & refused to do anything to support them socially or emotionally unless they were prepared to instigate it themselves, which they weren't. 

    My eldest was struggling so much she went on anti-depressants at 18, which helped her enormously. If your son hasn't tried meds then they may really help him. As for making friends. Is he into gaming at all or have any online interests? Both my girls have met boyfriends on online gaming servers. That is a whole other story/worry.

    From what you've said I get the impression that you struggle the same as your son. Do you think you're on the spectrum? Have you looked into getting assessed at all? Its really hard to be an example to our kids of what to do in life when we didn't get the rule book ourselves. I am in my late 40's & finally on the waiting list for ASD & ADHD assessments myself. It was a huge lightbulb moment when my youngest was initially being assessed for ADHD 14 years ago now. I've procrastinated about being assessed ever since, but I really think its about time. Feel free to add me on here & private message me if you'd prefer to chat privately off the group.