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Teenage son suffering from loneliness and social isolation - Any advice gratefully received

NASMRSC

Hi everyone,

I am new to the forum and don’t really know what I’m doing so I hope that this messages reaches some parents going through a similar struggle or anyone who has been through this and has come out the other side. 

I will try to keep my son’s story brief, but basically when he was in senior school, my son attended a school for autistic students. He was more able than the other students there so didn’t really make any friends but he was happy there as he had a fantastic support network from the staff. He was confident, happy to go to school and looking forward to his future. Unfortunately, his final year of school was cut short due to covid and so his support network go cut off too. He started at the local 6th Form college in September 2020 not knowing a sole and having had no transitions. There was no support in place for him and for the first three months the college weren’t even aware that he had special needs. No staff checked on him to see how he was and no staff offered him any kind of help or support to settle in.

From September 2020 to the present day, he has made no friends, has barely spoken to anyone outside of the house and his personality has completely changed. He has become totally socially isolated and is suffering with loneliness both on a social and emotional level. He has developed severe social anxiety and his self esteem is at an all time low. He finally broke down and told us how bad he was feeling on Christmas Day. It was absolutely heart breaking to think that he had been so upset and had held it all in. We contacted the college and he now speaks to a mentor online once a fortnight but he is getting no help to make friends or overcome his social anxiety. Only a month ago, he became so low again that he had another crisis and we ended up phoning the doctors. He was referred to a local mental health charity for young people but we heard today that he cannot be helped by them and we now have to self refer to another place. My son just feels like he is in limbo. Nothing is changing or getting better for him and he still has no friends and feels desperately lonely. He is dreading returning to college after the Easter break as he spends all of his break times and lunch times just wondering around town by himself. It is so soul destroying for him to see everyone else in groups and looking happy whilst he is always alone and has no one to talk to.

If any parent or any autistic person reading this has gone through anything similar or is going through anything similar, please reach out to me. I am really struggling as I myself have become isolated since having two autistic children as I never made friends with the other mums in the playground (my kids didn’t fit in so neither did I) and people I do know who do have  children, don’t have children with autism and don’t understand the struggles that our family face. 

Thank you in advance to any one who reads this and gets in touch. Parenting autism can be a lonely place sometimes and as much as I need some advice and support myself, I would like to be a support to any others who need it too. 

X x x

Parents

  • Looking at things from your sons perspective it maybe be that's he's just learnt what 'normal' people his own age are like. Being in a specialist school with lots of intellectually disabled kids he probably didn't feel intimidated by them or feel particularly drawn to their company. Now suddenly he's been thrust into a world both beautiful and savage. A world with mean kids who pick on people for being different ... or at least only choose to include those who aren't different. A world with jokes and fun and messing about and banter. Suddenly his peers are appealing to him, able to carry on an interesting conversations. They show creativity and playfulness he probably hasn't seen in the special school. And there are girls, attractive, flirtatious possibly even overtly sexual girls and he probably doesn't have a clue how to approach them. Your son just became aware of a whole new world and he probably wants in, but at the same time he's aware the gap between that world and his world is huge and cavourness and he has no idea how to cross it. No wonder he's depressed and overwhelmed.

    I have no good answers. To teach him to fit in? It's like trying to teach a fish to breath air. What is the equation for a smile? The decision criteria for a joke? NTs say they understand body language and subtext and tone and social norms and expectations. OK but can you quantify it? Reduce it to maths that can be put into a book and taught systematically? They try to teach autistic students with 'social stories' but they breakdown for anything complicated like the world your son now faces. How do you differentiate between people teasing you because they don't like you and because they do? How do you define the difference, in a quantitative objective fashion, between flirting and being 'creepy'? His best bet to make friends is probably to be really open and direct, wear his heart on his sleeve and speak his mind, it'll also probably get him kicked out of college pretty quick for saying or doing something that is deemed politically incorrect or just generally insensitive ... right now I have no good answers for you.

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  • Looking at things from your sons perspective it maybe be that's he's just learnt what 'normal' people his own age are like. Being in a specialist school with lots of intellectually disabled kids he probably didn't feel intimidated by them or feel particularly drawn to their company. Now suddenly he's been thrust into a world both beautiful and savage. A world with mean kids who pick on people for being different ... or at least only choose to include those who aren't different. A world with jokes and fun and messing about and banter. Suddenly his peers are appealing to him, able to carry on an interesting conversations. They show creativity and playfulness he probably hasn't seen in the special school. And there are girls, attractive, flirtatious possibly even overtly sexual girls and he probably doesn't have a clue how to approach them. Your son just became aware of a whole new world and he probably wants in, but at the same time he's aware the gap between that world and his world is huge and cavourness and he has no idea how to cross it. No wonder he's depressed and overwhelmed.

    I have no good answers. To teach him to fit in? It's like trying to teach a fish to breath air. What is the equation for a smile? The decision criteria for a joke? NTs say they understand body language and subtext and tone and social norms and expectations. OK but can you quantify it? Reduce it to maths that can be put into a book and taught systematically? They try to teach autistic students with 'social stories' but they breakdown for anything complicated like the world your son now faces. How do you differentiate between people teasing you because they don't like you and because they do? How do you define the difference, in a quantitative objective fashion, between flirting and being 'creepy'? His best bet to make friends is probably to be really open and direct, wear his heart on his sleeve and speak his mind, it'll also probably get him kicked out of college pretty quick for saying or doing something that is deemed politically incorrect or just generally insensitive ... right now I have no good answers for you.

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