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Teenage son suffering from loneliness and social isolation - Any advice gratefully received

NASMRSC

Hi everyone,

I am new to the forum and don’t really know what I’m doing so I hope that this messages reaches some parents going through a similar struggle or anyone who has been through this and has come out the other side. 

I will try to keep my son’s story brief, but basically when he was in senior school, my son attended a school for autistic students. He was more able than the other students there so didn’t really make any friends but he was happy there as he had a fantastic support network from the staff. He was confident, happy to go to school and looking forward to his future. Unfortunately, his final year of school was cut short due to covid and so his support network go cut off too. He started at the local 6th Form college in September 2020 not knowing a sole and having had no transitions. There was no support in place for him and for the first three months the college weren’t even aware that he had special needs. No staff checked on him to see how he was and no staff offered him any kind of help or support to settle in.

From September 2020 to the present day, he has made no friends, has barely spoken to anyone outside of the house and his personality has completely changed. He has become totally socially isolated and is suffering with loneliness both on a social and emotional level. He has developed severe social anxiety and his self esteem is at an all time low. He finally broke down and told us how bad he was feeling on Christmas Day. It was absolutely heart breaking to think that he had been so upset and had held it all in. We contacted the college and he now speaks to a mentor online once a fortnight but he is getting no help to make friends or overcome his social anxiety. Only a month ago, he became so low again that he had another crisis and we ended up phoning the doctors. He was referred to a local mental health charity for young people but we heard today that he cannot be helped by them and we now have to self refer to another place. My son just feels like he is in limbo. Nothing is changing or getting better for him and he still has no friends and feels desperately lonely. He is dreading returning to college after the Easter break as he spends all of his break times and lunch times just wondering around town by himself. It is so soul destroying for him to see everyone else in groups and looking happy whilst he is always alone and has no one to talk to.

If any parent or any autistic person reading this has gone through anything similar or is going through anything similar, please reach out to me. I am really struggling as I myself have become isolated since having two autistic children as I never made friends with the other mums in the playground (my kids didn’t fit in so neither did I) and people I do know who do have  children, don’t have children with autism and don’t understand the struggles that our family face. 

Thank you in advance to any one who reads this and gets in touch. Parenting autism can be a lonely place sometimes and as much as I need some advice and support myself, I would like to be a support to any others who need it too. 

X x x

Parents

  • Hi, I'm sorry you & your son are struggling so much. I can relate to much of what you say. I also have 2 children with ASD. My eldest wasn't diagnosed until she broke down at college during A levels at 18, despite the fact I'd flagged up concerns 10+ years earlier. After A levels she did make up for 2 years at a different college. Didn't make any friends at either college. She's now 22 & been out of college for 2 years. Not been in any employment or training since. Refuses to claim anything.

    My youngest took 6 years to get diagnosed. She had the benefit of an EHCP from late year 9, so was supported in her final years at school & during her college course. She is now part way through a degree, which she is doing in conjunction with a college (not uni). She made no friends at college either, despite being there for over 3 years now. 

    Why are college doing nothing to support your son? Surely he has an EHCP? He wouldn't have been in a special school otherwise. This should have been reviewed prior to him starting college to ensure support was in place. My daughters college forgot about her EHCP to start with & I had to remind them & get the support put in place. It took 2 weeks before everything was sorted & she was at the point of leaving. I had to really kick ***. I had both of them at the same place at the same time, both threatening to leave due to lack of support, so I had to kick *** for both. Thankfully my eldest's tutors were helpful, but the actual college are awful & refused to do anything to support them socially or emotionally unless they were prepared to instigate it themselves, which they weren't. 

    My eldest was struggling so much she went on anti-depressants at 18, which helped her enormously. If your son hasn't tried meds then they may really help him. As for making friends. Is he into gaming at all or have any online interests? Both my girls have met boyfriends on online gaming servers. That is a whole other story/worry.

    From what you've said I get the impression that you struggle the same as your son. Do you think you're on the spectrum? Have you looked into getting assessed at all? Its really hard to be an example to our kids of what to do in life when we didn't get the rule book ourselves. I am in my late 40's & finally on the waiting list for ASD & ADHD assessments myself. It was a huge lightbulb moment when my youngest was initially being assessed for ADHD 14 years ago now. I've procrastinated about being assessed ever since, but I really think its about time. Feel free to add me on here & private message me if you'd prefer to chat privately off the group. 

  • in reply to Trei

    Thank you so much for your reply. I am sorry to hear of the struggles that you and your daughters have been through. Some very similar experiences. I am going to work out how to add you as a friend and send you a private message! Apologies, I am new to forums! No idea how to use them!!! 

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  • in reply to Trei

    Thank you so much for your reply. I am sorry to hear of the struggles that you and your daughters have been through. Some very similar experiences. I am going to work out how to add you as a friend and send you a private message! Apologies, I am new to forums! No idea how to use them!!! 

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