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Autistic behaviours or Misbehaviour??

Shannon

My little brother who is 7 is currently going through the diagnosis for autism. He is cared for by my mam and when she is working he stays with his grandma and grandad. I try to help out as much as can and although I feel massively guilty for saying this, sometimes I really don't like looking after him. I have researched, my mam has told me a lot from the psychologist who has been working with my brother and I've also joined nas forum\group so I understand and empathise that my brother has behaviours that are due to him being autistic, however some behaviours I feel are just lack of respect and misbehaviour. I know my mam works very hard but I do feel lack of routine, boundaries and discipline is a massive part of some behaviours but also feel like a lot of people in my family let bad behaviour slip "because he has autism". Could anyone give me some advice on what sort of behaviours will not associate with autism and the importance of discipline, routine and boundaries and how best tBlusho put them in play for a person with autism. Thanks very much for reading and any reply would be greatly appreciated :) 

  • I think one of the hardest challenges is not being triggered yourself from the behaviors/emotions and over-reacting in the moment. This will only make things worse.

    This may seem impossible at first and no one is saying it is easy but becoming aware of the behaviors as they happen is key. A knee-jerk reaction or escalation in response to the behaviors does not work. 

    It may take practice to become more alert to be able to see the behaviors/meltdowns coming and to get yourself into a position of not reacting or escalating the situation but to remain calm and collected to deal with it. If your first instinct is to loose your temper this needs to be resisted. He needs to see calmness as a response rather than an oppositional response and through time the behaviors should reduce.  

    For bad behavior I think the same approach can be taken although you will need to work-out what works for him to correct or lessen it. Structure/routine with set times for school work, exercise, meal-times, free time/play segments may work to lessen bad behaviors or to let him know he could lose some of his free-time or gaming for example if it is indeed bad behavior. Working together as a team, one step at a time, is probably the best approach rather than a harsh regime with unrealistic goals or unworkable or detrimental punishments. 

    With Parental employment commitments, schooling, child-minding and so on it's not easy so my only advice would be to do what works for your family and maybe work-out the best routine to find your particular family harmony.

  • Good on you for spotting the difference.   Lots of people make excuses and let the bad behaviours escalate.

    There's a really fine line between autistic behaviours and downright bad behaviours.    

    A lot of it comes from the parents being caught out - they didn't realise their child was autistic until things got too bad and a diagnosis becomes obvious.

    A random, chaotic environment creates lots of trigger points for the child who will then often use them to see how far they can push things to take complete control.  

     A calm home environment of stability, simple, solid rules, consistency and logic help build a good base to work with but wrestling the control back can be a long, painful process - which for some is too hard and physically draining so the child becomes a monster that will get out of control as they get older - and bigger and stronger.

    Are you able to all talk and come up with a plan and agree a set of rules and boundaries?

  • It is a really complex issue and there is little context here and since the spectrum is so large, it's difficult to say too much at this point. Some autistic people have a learning disability or other condition too and this may affect their communication styles and yet others are completely different.

    I would say to you that you shouldn't feel bad that you sometimes don't like looking after him - any person can be difficult at almost any time, but I would just recognise that he may not mean or understand some of the things that he does or says. The fact that you look after him is, as aidie pointed out, a valuable thing and something which you should be admired for because it isn't easy at times - far from it! You may need to be extra patient with him though and it may mean that he is given more attention by family members, but they have the best of intentions, if not with the best information.

    As for advice about behaviours and routines, I think the first and most crucial point is to include your brother in any decisions involving him and do so in a way that he can understand and actually contribute - sometimes you may need to be an advocate and ally for your brother in areas which he finds difficulty with, but you should always strive to make his voice and feelings heard.

    Joining this community and researching what autism is is a fantastic thing that you are doing and I'm sure your brother will appreciate it, since you are making an effort to understand him - a great deal of people do not go out of their way to understand those on the spectrum, which can sometimes leave us feeling isolated.

  • you are doing a very valuable job and it must be tough sometimes for you.

    Can you describe what behaviours you believe are bad