Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi, I am new to all of this, my son is 13 and for a while we have suspected some kind of autism but only in the last few months have we managed to get any help from the school. This help is coming in the form of formally having him diagnosed so currently I have no help or guidance in how to deal with his behaviour or help him.
The other issue I have is that my husband is seriously depressed right now, he lost his job before Christmas and cannot see a way out of his depression right now. He has asked for help (but I am not sure he will follow through with the counselling that he has been offered). He has never been able to deal with my son very well, and now it is even worse. The second my son says something hurtful or has a melt down my husband just either flies off the handle or goes off in to an even more depressed mood.
My son is struggling mentally, he has the feelings a lot of the time that his father hates him (due to some rather harsh exchanged of words on several occasions), my husband doesn't but has a very hard time trying to convince my son he doesn't. My son is also struggling tremendously with home schooling, he is really not coping well with the lack of structure to his day and cannot focus easily on his lessons. I work full time (from home currently) so am doing the best I can but it is getting harder and harder each day.
His format of day at the moment is that he has online lessons in the morning, then after lunch is allowed some time on the computer to play games. Following this treat time he should be settling down to do some more work. All was going OK until this week, the past 2 days he has come off his computer games and had a complete melt down, over very trivial things to the rest of us but his headphones not working correctly. A situation easily resolved, but he cannot see past the dark mist that comes over him of something is not working. In his eyes it has to be fixed and it has to be fixed now.
These meltdowns are not going down well with my husband who today had already spent the entire day upstairs sleeping, on both occasions he has walked out. Leaving me of course to try and calm the situation down and deal with my son's emotional frustration.
I am looking for some advise, although I have been dealing with his melt downs for years I am still struggling, there are times that I just cannot get him to see any reasoning. He will often be violent with these meltdowns and take his anger and frustration out on both myself and his older sister. Or if he is not violent towards us he believes the answer is to hit something he is frustrated with, so yesterday his tablet was hit against the sofa.
Now that I know it is autism I am looking for help from other people who know how an autisic meltdown occurs and their suggestions on how to deal with them. Also any advise you can give in relation to how to help his mental health and understanding his Dad's depression.
I am really struggling myself, it is so hard trying to be a home working, home schooling parent dealing with an autisic son and a husband who is clinically depressed and all I want to do is help them through it.
NAS71196 said:How do people deal with the insults that can be shouted at you during a meltdown,
"With-a-y said: ( Post above )
" I have to control my thoughts as that is better than him stressing and meltdowns, but it is wearing, that’s why I’m here tonight . We had the same headphone meltdown one day. I encourage my son to hit a pillow or his mattress, pull on resistance bands, I don’t try to intervene verbally to negotiate, reason or stop it or slow it down once it’s started as long as he is safe. I give him time to burn it off letting him know I’m near when he is ready. This used to take 40 mins now it’s down to 20. Reasoning is sometimes possible at a later time, after the event. "
Extremely hurtful as it is, I can only offer the same advice as above. We know that people with strong emotions can trigger those same emotions in us and they are very hard to resist but they must be, with practice. Reacting is only heaping more wood on the fire. Better to wait until the fire has burnt out. Become the neutral observer of the behaviors and remember it is not really your son but the behaviors taking over. Then you may be able to talk about it in a more calm way, explaining your feelings and gradually reduce the severity of the outbursts.
As popular as gaming is for young people today from a very early age quite often, I have personally witnessed at times, from a pre-adolescent, diagnosed family member, more agitation, more back-cheek and at times more outbursts of varying degrees whilst withdrawing from the games or if something is not working. These games are addictive and although I don't have a definitive answer in general, I am of the opinion that the fast-paced or violent ones are a hinderance to development.
Thank you, I will look at those resources, quick glance they look good.
How do people deal with the insults that can be shouted at you during a meltdown, today he has shouted at me that he hates me, I am a cow and I look like a cow and that no-one loves me.
Deep down I know that these are momentary lapses in him, he does love me really but it is so hard to deal with them when he is saying them, Also he makes threats to break expensive items at time, so today his VR headset software wasn't working properly and so he was about to smash it across the settee. Luckily he stopped, but this cost £400 and no matter how many times I say to him it is not right to do such a thing or make such threats he continues to say he will do it. It is so frustrating.
It sounds like you have a good understanding of your son. When my husband and family did not understand how to best respond to our sons behaviour we did a parenting course offered by a local charity which was useful. It was for parents of children with emotional needs. This was pre-diagnosis and now he is diagnosed we will attend a specialist autism parenting course as soon as we can. We also read a book called ten things every child with autism wants you to know. I came on here to ask for some help myself with how to stop becoming frustrated with my sons repetitive negative talk and saw your post. Your family is under significant pressure. Your husbands reassuring words to your son are not healing the wound caused, another way needs to be found. Your husband is not available to you or your son because of his poor mental health. Perhaps if you look at Carol Grays social stories online you will find a way to communicate what is happening in your family in a way your son understands. I hope your husband will get the support he needs for himself so he can get back to you and your son soon. With regard to the home schooling my son is doing very little and I am letting him do only what he feels he can manage even though it is a worry in the back of my mind about his future and him falling so far behind, I have to control my thoughts as that is better than him stressing and meltdowns, but it is wearing, that’s why I’m here tonight . We had the same headphone meltdown one day. I encourage my son to hit a pillow or his mattress, pull on resistance bands, I don’t try to intervene verbally to negotiate, reason or stop it or slow it down once it’s started as long as he is safe. I give him time to burn it off letting him know I’m near when he is ready. This used to take 40 mins now it’s down to 20. Reasoning is sometimes possible at a later time, after the event.
It's been a long time since I was a teen but I can relate to the melt downs.
Make sure he has a routine, make it as rigid as you can - do not deviate from it. Even try and ask him what order subjects he wants to do with home school and do them the same every time or on a rotation that he can follow.
Reduce sensory input, you can try dimming screens, keeping the house quiet (or allowing him to wear headphones), make sure his clothes are comfortable, if applicable ask the school to make sure he isn't looking at a huge screen of faces and colours during online classes.
Sort out your husband, I'm sorry but he's the adult in this situation and depression or no depression no child should be made to feel like his parents don't like him. Your husband needs to adjust his attitude or you're at risk of your child growing to resent both of you.