Published on 12, July, 2020
hi there, I'm new here and needing some advice please?
My son was diagnosed ASD last year just before he turned thirteen, he's recently had his 14th birthday.
I get the current situation with the virus will not be helping anyone's situation but I'm noticing a quite large decline in my son.
Hes a teenager which may contribute to his behaviour, but he is becoming more and more verbally aggressive, to the point I feel he is abusive. This is to all of us in the household. He also is manipulative, which is making me wonder if this is PDA. Ive read though that people with PDA are imaginative and my son has an undeveloped imagination, he is very compartmentalised in his thinking, everything has its box and nothing is outside of them. His sleeping pattern is erratic, weve attempted to get him into a routine but its almost like he cant cope that we are dictating the time. He likes to be in control and cant understand another persons view easily. It worries me quite a lot how his behaviour is evolving, he seems to have lost vital skills hes learned, since not being at school and having that support in place.
We don't know much about ASD besides what we've read, we've not really received much support since his diagnosis due to waiting lists and now the virus. We dont know if this is to be expected at his age or if we need to get some intervention.
We do think theres a possibility he has adhd aswell, my husband was diagnosed as an adiult and they share traits, but camhs asked us to give our son a year to get used to his diagnosis before looking at more assessments. We can only see another waiting list and zilch support in the meantime from camhs.
Any advice would be appreciated! Thanks
Brushie said:he is becoming more and more verbally aggressive
Your son is much more than an autistic individual and is first and foremost a human. When someone becomes aggressive it is normally a stress response and the aggression is taught behaviour. Who has he been around in the past who behave like this? For example, how do you and dad react when you are stressed?
Brushie said:He likes to be in control and cant understand another persons view easily. It worries me quite a lot
This is typical autistic behaviour. You have come on an autism forum and stated you are worried that your son acts autistic. Did you consider how this might make other autistic individuals feel? It comes across as though your entire family struggles with their people skills and seeing things from other peoples point of view. As such, it's normal that there will be clashes in your house and that you'll struggle to meet each other's needs and communicate in a way that's sympathetic to the other person's preferences.
If your son needs to be in control why are you trying to control him? Not only is this adding to his stress levels how is this teaching him personal responsibility and independence skills? He realistically could be moving out and running his own house in a few years. Both myself, my husband and my daughter all like things our own way but were all able to live in harmony. The reason for this is we accept each others need for independence and we DO NOT try to control each other. My daughter is always given a choice and is able to make her own mind up about what she wants to do. After all one day she won't have me there and will need to make decisions for herself.
Brushie said:We dont know if this is to be expected at his age or if we need to get some intervention
Put yourself in your son's shoes, where you're needs are in the minority and your parents put 'interventions' in place to try and change who you are so that you behave like the majority instead. For example, you an apple, living in a world of pears and the pears send you off to get rid of your apple traits. How would this affect your self-image and self-esteem? I'd imagine it'd make you feel pretty rubbish. It sounds like you son needs more acceptance and help to play to his strengths rather than being told he is in the wrong. For example, due to our need for control, I became a teacher and my husband is a senior manager. to help you son learn more effective coping strategies (instead of being verbally abusive) it would be helpful if others in the family modelled how you'd like your son to react.
In relation to autism, there are lots of independent resources that you can access: including YouTube videos, webinars and books. Covid or council waiting lists needn't hold you back in finding out more and developing your own support mechanisms.