Waking up to the reality my husband is somewhere on the spectrum

You're most welcome.

How knowledgeable/experienced is he about sex?    Is it something that was basically discussed at school in a very limited way or would he be up with the Caligula class?       We tend to be delayed in the social game so when our peers are all experimenting with relationships, we are still playing with toys - so we miss the critical 'fumbling' phase completely.      Going from 0-60 as an adult is terrifying.    He might just be confused, massively inhibited and inexperienced so it's all just too intimidating to think about - so it drops down the 'interesting' list below Lego and model trains..    It becomes a confusing chore rather than something to look forward to,     We also suffer from over-stimulation so our lives are like living in a 70s disco - all too loud, bright, smelly etc.    You might need to think carefully about the environment to get him into 'enjoyment mode'..

If you want a physical relationship, you might need do take the lead and, depending on how inhibited you both are, you can find lots of internet inspiration and toys to make things individually  fun without the pressure of performance - think happy endings.  

If you remove the pressure and just enjoy the contact and combine it with nice things, you might find him more interested - and then you can elaborate.    

Like I've said, it's possible for you to rearrange his interest list - even Sheldon was eventually  convinced by Amy.

Instead of being his mother, look carefully at your lives and split the chores - I'm crap at emotional stuff so I do all the technical stuff - fixing things and doing the necessary things like the Uni run.    My wife became a counsellor because she has spent so long dealing with me that she finds NTs to be simple to read - she says I'm totally blank so I'm impossible to read.     She does all the emotional stuff like dealing with our daughter's needs.   She also does my interfacing with the world - I'm a CEng - I can do anything - but I'm incredibly vulnerable to manipulators so she protects me from them.

Good luck with things - I hope you find the inspiration to recover your husband.  

Wow - thank you again for your candor and help. It is very much appreciated. And as for the sex part, I knew from our first date, this was never going to be a 'thing' in our relationship. He's totally not ashamed or anything, it's simply not on his radar. As for work, well, he's a brilliant (somewhat famous) scientist. While it is stressful, it is feeding him on so many different levels. Back in the day, his colleagues all commended me on how 'calm' he had become since I came into his life, haha :) Again, this is something I worry about..I am his safe place and the older we are getting, the more I am taking care of him..fx not accidentally hurting himself or causing embarrassment (like trying to get into someone else's car - I have a special bumper sticker he looks for now, so he knows it's ours). 

I have a lot of thinking to do...

Thanks again!

Hi - there's an option 4 - get him functioning again.    

The man you fell in love with is still in there - he will be exactly the same as he was all those years ago - you need to coax him out again.

What do you do together for fun?    Does he see you as the fun girl he fell in love with or a mother/teacher person who's constantly disappointed in him?   Where's his motivation?    Are you a young, fun person or are you a serious grown-up?

Do you spontaneously take him down the park for a picnic or go and fly a kite together or ride a train to somewhere new for no reason?    We tend to like childish fun things that are new experiences where we can collect new data.     My wife has worked that out so we do lots of 'experience' things together.   

You need to realise that we like clarity and predictability - 'love' is not measurable so you're asking for something that will take us days to define, let alone work out where the relationship is on an imaginary scale for him to deduce "yes, I love you."       In his mind, it's more of a pair-bonding like swans - the fact he's there and constant in your life is as solid as he can be - it's his way of saying it without the jumble of indefinable words.

If you overload him with a laundry list of requirements, he'll get confused and overloaded - start with a few simple things like a foot rub, Let him get comfortable with that and the contact and work from there.     You'll need to reassure him and not talk to him like he's a naughty boy.

Dogs are very autistic - they like clear rules and love playing like a pup, having their ears rubbed and a scratch under the chin - EVERYTHING else is about being in the pack - happy just to be in your presence.    It's equivalent to him wanting to be in the same room as you - and that means he's happy to be around you - he considers you 'safe'.    It might not be enough for you so you need to let him know how he can show he loves you in a practical way whether it be watching tv together or doing something you like - we're all about the actions, not the words.

Are you aware that we get stressed up through the day having to deal with the social game at work so we often need a period of decompression when we get home?     If you add stress to him during that period he won't respond how you would expect.    If his work life is a nightmare world of stress, it might be taking all of his processing power just to keep it together - everything else, including you, might fall into background tasks.

The asthma experience showed he uses a very rigid mask - he copes ok for predictable, routine life but when things happen unexpectedly, we're lost and we don't have a go-to script so we blunder and make huge mistakes - no data = no idea what to do.      He didn't know what to do so reverted to very basic programming which was incorrect.    Do you watch Star Trek Next Gen?   Think how Mr Data would behave in a situation where his programme didn't have the correct code - he'd glitch & reboot - just like your husband.

Sex is complicated - I probably can't go into too much detail on an open forum but aspie blokes often have quite elaborate fantasies that he may be scared of sharing with you because we learn very early that expressing any difference opens up a world of hurt and bullying.    Certain materials are very good at cancelling out unwanted irritations.     A lot depends on how game you would be.   It's actually very simple to re-focus a bloke - novelty is your friend.  

Feel free to pm me if you want specific details on anything..

Thank YOU for the very informative post and realistic actionable items. My husband is extremely high functioning - it's probably Asperger, but as you put it, I am here to polish things up and make sure everything actually 'works'.

I have had many conversations with him about our relationship, and trying to improve our communication, but it's like he tries for a day, then reverts back. In the past I literally have had to fall apart crying hysterically begging him to tell me he loves me, but now I've just given up. And since we got our 'therapy' dog, 4 years ago, he hasn't touched me in an intimate way (not that he did much before then), but now it's like he gives whatever affection he has in him to our dog (who I also love very much).

Of course I can nudge him, but in the end, he's just totally not interested in having any form of intimacy with me - and after 10 years, I am just lonely. I miss someone genuinely wanting to touch me. Plus..well, while he would give the shirt off his back to anyone who asked for help, with me, he just expects me to fully take care of myself. I had a horrific asthma attack and had to go to the hospital, he told me to take a bus, so I could save money (we're not poor), and then when I called him 8 hours later, he borrowed a neighbors car to come get me, again, so we could save money (I took a taxi there, as it truly was an emergency). The whole situation frustrated him, because our neighbors car was fairly modern and he couldn't figure out how to turn it on. He still brings it up to this day (not that I nearly collapsed a lung, but that he was frustrated from having to learn to drive that particular car).

In my mind, I've got a few options, and right now, I have no idea what to do.

1.) Stay. Just accept everything, including that I will probably never have sex again (I am 46 and this is actually terrifying). BUT, will have the stability of our home/life/everything, plus the knowledge that I can take care of him, so he can go on being his brilliant self in his day-to-day work. I am actually quite proud of our relationship and what a good team we make.

2.) Stay, but have an affair. The question is, do I get his approval and risk changing everything or do I do it very discreetly? He's totally clueless, so I am positive I could carry on without him ever knowing.

3.) Leave. There is no guarantee I will ever find another partner who I can love as much, but at least I might not be as exhausted as I am right now.

You don't need to answer me, I need to figure this out on my own..but again, it is so comforting having found this site and not feeling so isolated. I have often joked that his eccentricities were masking autism, and how fun it can be, but yeah, as I mentioned, today, it's not so much fun and I am just heartbroken at the realization he will probably never change.

Thank you again..

I think it’s a case of prioritising things - that said it can sometime be easier to chip away at the small things first so as the process doesn’t feel overwhelming. Also it will probably mean trying to address these issues in different ways.... so if one tact doesn’t work, try another. 

Thank you! In the past, I have usually thrown everything at him - and yes, as you point out, that has only overwhelmed him. I need to figure out how to compartmentalize my issues and limit myself (which is actually quite hard, haha!) when talking with him.

Thank again, dear Anthony :) 

Hi - a lot depends on how 'quirky' he is - does he work full time and generally get on with life so you're looking for the details to polished or is he going more 'Rain Man'?   One of our endearing traits is we don't get 'old'.  We stay youthful internally but NTs change dramatically as they grow up to the point where a large divergence occurs as they become more complex.   We learn to mask to hide our simplistic needs.

If he's very high functioning and so fits into the quirky camp, you might be suffering from him literally not knowing what to do - so a little time passes while he gathers data to work out what you want - but you become angry because you see no action - so he gets confused by your apparent change in requirements - so he's back to square one as his old data appears obsolete - so he tries again to work out what to do - but you might become resigned - so he sees a different person again so he's back to square one.    After a long enough time of this, he will be so confounded by your complex personality that he will be totally lost - with no idea where to start.    That will appear to be him being cold and uncaring.  

I suspect that when you've had enough, there's a big argument - that will overload him with a wall of emotions and too much data in too short a time - he will likely try to fight back with inappropriate words so it all gets much worse.   Rinse & repeat.....

You will eventually get to an unpleasant stalemate where you tolerate him and he hides from you.

You can get him back but, I'm afraid the initial effort will have to come from you.

Are you able to chat to him calmly and without emotion about life, the universe and everything?    If so, explain that you are unhappy and you'd like to fix it and you'd like to know how feels about it all - just don't press him for an answer immediately as this might take some processing time for him.     You are likely to be more successful with this if he's in a low-stress state - this might be done after a trip to a nerdy museum or similar where he's been able to enjoy his hobbies.    

Your next move might have to be done over e-mail so he has time to think before he answers - it takes the heat and emotion out of it all.

Ask him what he likes and give him some heavy-handed indications of what you would like - be very clear so he can rebuild his database of where you are in life - tell him if you'd like flowers - and what types you like, tell him if you'd like your back rubbed and where it's most effective etc.   If you give him enough data, he'll be able to get some confidence back and it short-circuits him gathering data from lengthy observations.

As Anthony says, clear, open communication is the key and if you can withhold any sniping or emotion, it makes it much easier and quicker for him to get with the program.

As for the physical stuff - we overload easily so things like itchy sheets or materials, wrong temperature, external noises like barking dogs or neighbours spoil things for us so again, preparation is everything.    At the end of the day, blokes are quite simple machines so there's lots of other things you can do to get him focussed on you - if you have an open mind.  

BTW - I'm an aspie bloke - married for 30 years to a very NT woman,

I’m not in a relationship (nor want one) so I can’t really help much but I would say communication is key - not one big ‘throw it all on the line’ sort of chat but little and often. It’s about finding a communication style that works both for him and you. There is no magic formula, so it’s trial, error and a lot of patience but I think he needs to understand how you feel and you need to understand his autistic outlooks and world.