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Waking up to the reality my husband is somewhere on the spectrum

NAS67345

Hi all,

I just read a heart stopping article written on this site, about a woman who discovered she was married to a man with Aspergers. It was like she wrote my own story. And now I just feel so much emotion, I feel physically sick and am utterly in shock.

I have known that autism runs in his family, his own mother has strongly hinted to me that she might have found out 'something' when he was a small boy. We often joke about it, but now..now it's like the missing pieces to a puzzle are finally coming together and I don't know what to do.

After 10 years together, his 'quirks' are getting worse and are almost unbearable. But then I think, no, I married him for better or for worse, and my God, who will take care of him if I leave? Then there's the whole lack of emotional and physical intimacy, after so many years, I am just angry and resentful..but how can I be, when I knew from day 1 something was not right. I signed up for this, didn't I?

I have secretly reached out for a therapy meeting just for myself. But I don't even really know what kind of questions to ask. Right now, all I want to do is talk to someone outside our circle to help gain some perspective.

Oh my God, I am in a tailspin and I really do not know what to do. I am grateful I have found this site..if there are any other spouses/caretakers out there, I would be grateful to connect.

Thank you

Parents

  • I’m not in a relationship (nor want one) so I can’t really help much but I would say communication is key - not one big ‘throw it all on the line’ sort of chat but little and often. It’s about finding a communication style that works both for him and you. There is no magic formula, so it’s trial, error and a lot of patience but I think he needs to understand how you feel and you need to understand his autistic outlooks and world. 

  • in reply to Anthony

    Thank you! In the past, I have usually thrown everything at him - and yes, as you point out, that has only overwhelmed him. I need to figure out how to compartmentalize my issues and limit myself (which is actually quite hard, haha!) when talking with him.

    Thank again, dear Anthony :) 

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