Waking up to the reality my husband is somewhere on the spectrum

Hi - a lot depends on how 'quirky' he is - does he work full time and generally get on with life so you're looking for the details to polished or is he going more 'Rain Man'?   One of our endearing traits is we don't get 'old'.  We stay youthful internally but NTs change dramatically as they grow up to the point where a large divergence occurs as they become more complex.   We learn to mask to hide our simplistic needs.

If he's very high functioning and so fits into the quirky camp, you might be suffering from him literally not knowing what to do - so a little time passes while he gathers data to work out what you want - but you become angry because you see no action - so he gets confused by your apparent change in requirements - so he's back to square one as his old data appears obsolete - so he tries again to work out what to do - but you might become resigned - so he sees a different person again so he's back to square one.    After a long enough time of this, he will be so confounded by your complex personality that he will be totally lost - with no idea where to start.    That will appear to be him being cold and uncaring.  

I suspect that when you've had enough, there's a big argument - that will overload him with a wall of emotions and too much data in too short a time - he will likely try to fight back with inappropriate words so it all gets much worse.   Rinse & repeat.....

You will eventually get to an unpleasant stalemate where you tolerate him and he hides from you.

You can get him back but, I'm afraid the initial effort will have to come from you.

Are you able to chat to him calmly and without emotion about life, the universe and everything?    If so, explain that you are unhappy and you'd like to fix it and you'd like to know how feels about it all - just don't press him for an answer immediately as this might take some processing time for him.     You are likely to be more successful with this if he's in a low-stress state - this might be done after a trip to a nerdy museum or similar where he's been able to enjoy his hobbies.    

Your next move might have to be done over e-mail so he has time to think before he answers - it takes the heat and emotion out of it all.

Ask him what he likes and give him some heavy-handed indications of what you would like - be very clear so he can rebuild his database of where you are in life - tell him if you'd like flowers - and what types you like, tell him if you'd like your back rubbed and where it's most effective etc.   If you give him enough data, he'll be able to get some confidence back and it short-circuits him gathering data from lengthy observations.

As Anthony says, clear, open communication is the key and if you can withhold any sniping or emotion, it makes it much easier and quicker for him to get with the program.

As for the physical stuff - we overload easily so things like itchy sheets or materials, wrong temperature, external noises like barking dogs or neighbours spoil things for us so again, preparation is everything.    At the end of the day, blokes are quite simple machines so there's lots of other things you can do to get him focussed on you - if you have an open mind.  

BTW - I'm an aspie bloke - married for 30 years to a very NT woman,

Hi - a lot depends on how 'quirky' he is - does he work full time and generally get on with life so you're looking for the details to polished or is he going more 'Rain Man'?   One of our endearing traits is we don't get 'old'.  We stay youthful internally but NTs change dramatically as they grow up to the point where a large divergence occurs as they become more complex.   We learn to mask to hide our simplistic needs.

If he's very high functioning and so fits into the quirky camp, you might be suffering from him literally not knowing what to do - so a little time passes while he gathers data to work out what you want - but you become angry because you see no action - so he gets confused by your apparent change in requirements - so he's back to square one as his old data appears obsolete - so he tries again to work out what to do - but you might become resigned - so he sees a different person again so he's back to square one.    After a long enough time of this, he will be so confounded by your complex personality that he will be totally lost - with no idea where to start.    That will appear to be him being cold and uncaring.  

I suspect that when you've had enough, there's a big argument - that will overload him with a wall of emotions and too much data in too short a time - he will likely try to fight back with inappropriate words so it all gets much worse.   Rinse & repeat.....

You will eventually get to an unpleasant stalemate where you tolerate him and he hides from you.

You can get him back but, I'm afraid the initial effort will have to come from you.

Are you able to chat to him calmly and without emotion about life, the universe and everything?    If so, explain that you are unhappy and you'd like to fix it and you'd like to know how feels about it all - just don't press him for an answer immediately as this might take some processing time for him.     You are likely to be more successful with this if he's in a low-stress state - this might be done after a trip to a nerdy museum or similar where he's been able to enjoy his hobbies.    

Your next move might have to be done over e-mail so he has time to think before he answers - it takes the heat and emotion out of it all.

Ask him what he likes and give him some heavy-handed indications of what you would like - be very clear so he can rebuild his database of where you are in life - tell him if you'd like flowers - and what types you like, tell him if you'd like your back rubbed and where it's most effective etc.   If you give him enough data, he'll be able to get some confidence back and it short-circuits him gathering data from lengthy observations.

As Anthony says, clear, open communication is the key and if you can withhold any sniping or emotion, it makes it much easier and quicker for him to get with the program.

As for the physical stuff - we overload easily so things like itchy sheets or materials, wrong temperature, external noises like barking dogs or neighbours spoil things for us so again, preparation is everything.    At the end of the day, blokes are quite simple machines so there's lots of other things you can do to get him focussed on you - if you have an open mind.  

BTW - I'm an aspie bloke - married for 30 years to a very NT woman,

Thank YOU for the very informative post and realistic actionable items. My husband is extremely high functioning - it's probably Asperger, but as you put it, I am here to polish things up and make sure everything actually 'works'.

I have had many conversations with him about our relationship, and trying to improve our communication, but it's like he tries for a day, then reverts back. In the past I literally have had to fall apart crying hysterically begging him to tell me he loves me, but now I've just given up. And since we got our 'therapy' dog, 4 years ago, he hasn't touched me in an intimate way (not that he did much before then), but now it's like he gives whatever affection he has in him to our dog (who I also love very much).

Of course I can nudge him, but in the end, he's just totally not interested in having any form of intimacy with me - and after 10 years, I am just lonely. I miss someone genuinely wanting to touch me. Plus..well, while he would give the shirt off his back to anyone who asked for help, with me, he just expects me to fully take care of myself. I had a horrific asthma attack and had to go to the hospital, he told me to take a bus, so I could save money (we're not poor), and then when I called him 8 hours later, he borrowed a neighbors car to come get me, again, so we could save money (I took a taxi there, as it truly was an emergency). The whole situation frustrated him, because our neighbors car was fairly modern and he couldn't figure out how to turn it on. He still brings it up to this day (not that I nearly collapsed a lung, but that he was frustrated from having to learn to drive that particular car).

In my mind, I've got a few options, and right now, I have no idea what to do.

1.) Stay. Just accept everything, including that I will probably never have sex again (I am 46 and this is actually terrifying). BUT, will have the stability of our home/life/everything, plus the knowledge that I can take care of him, so he can go on being his brilliant self in his day-to-day work. I am actually quite proud of our relationship and what a good team we make.

2.) Stay, but have an affair. The question is, do I get his approval and risk changing everything or do I do it very discreetly? He's totally clueless, so I am positive I could carry on without him ever knowing.

3.) Leave. There is no guarantee I will ever find another partner who I can love as much, but at least I might not be as exhausted as I am right now.

You don't need to answer me, I need to figure this out on my own..but again, it is so comforting having found this site and not feeling so isolated. I have often joked that his eccentricities were masking autism, and how fun it can be, but yeah, as I mentioned, today, it's not so much fun and I am just heartbroken at the realization he will probably never change.

Thank you again..