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Waking up to the reality my husband is somewhere on the spectrum

NAS67345

Hi all,

I just read a heart stopping article written on this site, about a woman who discovered she was married to a man with Aspergers. It was like she wrote my own story. And now I just feel so much emotion, I feel physically sick and am utterly in shock.

I have known that autism runs in his family, his own mother has strongly hinted to me that she might have found out 'something' when he was a small boy. We often joke about it, but now..now it's like the missing pieces to a puzzle are finally coming together and I don't know what to do.

After 10 years together, his 'quirks' are getting worse and are almost unbearable. But then I think, no, I married him for better or for worse, and my God, who will take care of him if I leave? Then there's the whole lack of emotional and physical intimacy, after so many years, I am just angry and resentful..but how can I be, when I knew from day 1 something was not right. I signed up for this, didn't I?

I have secretly reached out for a therapy meeting just for myself. But I don't even really know what kind of questions to ask. Right now, all I want to do is talk to someone outside our circle to help gain some perspective.

Oh my God, I am in a tailspin and I really do not know what to do. I am grateful I have found this site..if there are any other spouses/caretakers out there, I would be grateful to connect.

Thank you

Parents

  • I’m not in a relationship (nor want one) so I can’t really help much but I would say communication is key - not one big ‘throw it all on the line’ sort of chat but little and often. It’s about finding a communication style that works both for him and you. There is no magic formula, so it’s trial, error and a lot of patience but I think he needs to understand how you feel and you need to understand his autistic outlooks and world. 

  • in reply to Anthony

    Thank you! In the past, I have usually thrown everything at him - and yes, as you point out, that has only overwhelmed him. I need to figure out how to compartmentalize my issues and limit myself (which is actually quite hard, haha!) when talking with him.

    Thank again, dear Anthony :) 

  • in reply to NAS67345

    I think it’s a case of prioritising things - that said it can sometime be easier to chip away at the small things first so as the process doesn’t feel overwhelming. Also it will probably mean trying to address these issues in different ways.... so if one tact doesn’t work, try another. 

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