Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi, I am new to the site and have joined to seek out other peoples experiences with there teenagers with ASD. My son is 16 years old and has High Functioning ASD. We are also working on the basis of PDA as well. He is not currently attending school due to Anxiety issues with it being his final year there. Had the same pattern with Junior school as well. Currently he seems very happy, usual teenager boy things of not wanting to wash and personal hygiene issues but nothing to worry about. Only issue we have he he doesn't want to, and will not get up till around 4pm most days. He will then stay wake all night and some times all days the next day as well. He is suffering a lot with Insomnia and this is causing all kinds of problems with his routine. He is not showing signs of anger or aggression but if we push him to much or set to many rules or punishments he will just storm out the house for several hours. We are trying to find things (through discussions with him) purposes for him to get up but when it comes to the time he just refuses to get up. We have considered depression but when he's up he is happy, when his friends are round he is happy, he is chatty with us, can explain how he is feeling but will then just refuse to get up again until it suits him. What are other peoples experiences of teens with ASD and how did you find dealt with the situation best?
Hi there,
I’m really new to this sight, but feel I had to reply to you as it sounds like the same troubles we have in our house, my son has never really slept well and there are times when he is completely nocturnal, I used to worry loads and try everything to ‘right the wrong’ but actually I’ve realised it’s only wrong in a neurotypical mindset, I loved Trogluddites post, that could be my son talking, so brilliantly about the reasons why night time is better for concentration etc, my son ‘rights’ himself regularly if he’s got college or something else he needs to do the next day, often he’s thought he’d be okay but hasn’t been with lack of sleep, but sometimes, as Trogluddites mentions, he can survive on very little sleep, he’s happy, I’ve now left it to him to organise his sleep pattern, he’s 16, it’s like homework, as soon as I leave it to him, to do (or not do) he calms down and it ceases to be an issue. I know all people are different, but that’s what worked for us, he sets his agenda and he’s a lot calmer and content. I have realised that my son knows exactly what he is capable of, he is high functioning ASD, he knows his limits, he knows what he’s good and bad at, he knew what he needed to do to achieve good GCSE’s, he didn’t need teachers, parents nagging him, calling meetings about lack of work etc when it came to doing the exams, I could see he was struggling with interference from other people, so I stepped back, crossed my fingers, didn’t say a word, and he did well. With sleep, I used to worry myself stupid, but now I trust him to know his own body and sleep when he needs to, he doesn’t let it get in the way of college (which he likes) sometimes I say I think he will not last the day and I’m generally right, so he missed some college, but they understand. It’s not perfect all the time, but he’s getting there.
Hope me this helps a little bit
I absolutely had to return your kind compliments - it was delightful to read your enlightened attitude to your son's behaviours.
As I mentioned in my earlier post, my autism has "demand avoidance" traits to it; and you're spot on - being pushed harder is often very counter-productive. It just adds to the powerful anxiety that's at the heart of these traits, and it can just lead to a feeling that you've already failed before even starting, whatever you might do, and that you "might as well be hanged for a sheep as for a lamb". My need to feel that I have complete autonomy is very strong indeed, even though I know it is often an illusion in practice. I have to feel that it was me who made all the decisions (even if there has been a bit of psychological subterfuge behind the scenes!)
This can be a problem sometimes when it comes up against executive functioning problems - much as I like to make all my own decisions, I'm not always very good at it, and I could win an Olympic gold medal at procrastinating and dithering. But again, the key is to work as a team to devise strategies to overcome this (for example; before and after photos of tasks I should do, so that I can see my achievements, and one-at-a-time notifications on my computer, work a lot better than overwhelming itemised lists).
Irresistable force versus immovable object is usually just a recipe for frustration on both sides!
Your son is a fortunate lad, indeed!
Thankyou, I really try to understand him, he is generall6 really eloquent in talking about stuff to me, we have a fairly lighthearted and relaxed view on the whole thing. I was so proud of the way he described some feeling when he was being diagnosed, I have the utmost respect for him and have great sympathy for what the struggles are day to Day, he explains them to me in a way that is so easy to understand. It saddens me that Autism is considered a disorder, Yes there are emotional challenges and certain things that are tricky, but only because we are all judging it from a neurotypical viewpoint...who says we are right? After all some of the major discoveries or inventions or initiatives have been discovered by people who have autism.
The only issues we have at present is sometimes a bit of eggshell walking when something within the house is not quite to his liking, My daughter suffers most as she hasn’t got the patience and has had to live as sibling to a boy who occasionally requires special circumstances and attention and some demands seem quite ridiculous to a neurotypical.
Thanks so much for your comments, nice to know that it might be the right root, when for years I’ve been so confused with how to deal with certain issues, being told to deal with things as you would maybe with a neurotypical child. So now I listen to him and try and find a way forward. Just want to help my daughter to understand and continue to be patient, really hard for her though.
NAS66304 said:we have a fairly lighthearted and relaxed view on the whole thing
Music to my ears! There are serious issues which sometimes have to be tackled, of course - but being far too dour all the time goes hand in hand with that "disorder" view of autism. I've had people react with abject horror when I've described some of the little tricks that my brain plays on me, for example; the way that I sometimes can't tell whether the hand shaving my face or its reflection in the mirror is the one that's connected to my arm.
But that's something which usually just makes me giggle! I've never known any different, so why would it freak me out? It's just a handy (excuse the pun!) example to use when I'm describing my sensory differences to people, because it's rather like the well-understood "rubber hand illusion" which is easy to find online. It's intended to be a bit light-hearted and silly - I'm not trying to suggest that I believe my arms get possessed by demons from an evil mirror-world!
Misplaced sympathy can be just as difficult to deal with as too little of it, and just encourages the development of a self-image as a "broken" person, and the feeling that certain things should never be spoken of. So long as its laughing with, not laughing at, a sense of humour about it is a great thing to have in the coping toolbox (even my absolutely cringeful puns!)