Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi Everyone,
im new here and glad I’ve found this forum as feeling alone and very much lost with helping my daughter. She is 15, suffers with anxiety and depression and has shown many autistic traits for years. She masked this at school and as a result Camhs decided to stop assessment for autism. They have decided now to start again as now she isn’t coping with school, or life in general. I’ve left work to support her, I have no other help and couldn’t be there for her when she couldn’t manage school. I’m public enemy number one when she has a meltdown and I’m struggling to know how to help her. while she appears “normal” to most people, home life is very different. She can’t make a decision, she can’t voice her feelings, she can’t engage in talking therapies, she can’t listen to me because I make her worse especially during crisis, she can’t bear me to hug her or try and be supportive and I know she feels very alone. I don’t know how to help her, her mental health is terrible, Camhs are addressing this but because she won’t talk there’s not much they can do apart from medication. I would love to hear from others with teenagers in a similar position, Thankyou for reading :-)
Hi. I'm not a parent, but I am on the waiting list for an autism diagnosis. I also mask and have meltdowns, usually when I'm at home rather than out in public. One very hard lesson I've learnt is that nothing anyone says or does will help me whilst I'm in the middle of a meltdown. As a teenager, I used to shout at my Mum and pull away from any effort to hug/comfort me, and I felt absolutely horrible about it afterwards, even though I wasn't doing it on purpose. I felt so angry that I sometimes worried it wasn't safe for people to be near me, even though I've never hurt anyone and never would. Now that I'm older, my meltdowns usually involve uncontrollable shaking/crying. I'm better at recognising when they're coming on too, so I take myself into a room on my own so that I don't end up shouting at anyone. It's rare that I take it out on objects like I used to (I used to kick things and throw things - never directed at anyone though).
My partner, my and I have learnt that once I'm in a meltdown, I just need some time and space to work through it. He's able to help me before a meltdown, e.g. by recognising the signs that I'm stressed/anxious, pointing it out to me, and suggesting something I could do to relax (e.g. reading under my weighted blanket). After a meltdown, I usually come to him when I'm ready to either talk about how I'm feeling, or just sit quietly and recover. At that point, just knowing he's there for me is nice.
If you can also identify triggers for meltdowns, you can try taking some preventative action. For example, sensory issues can be a trigger for me, so I try to recognise when the sensory environment is getting too much and make a change if I can (e.g. if it's too noisy in the office or on the train, I'll put my noise-cancelling headphones on).
Everyone's meltdowns are different, so these tips won't necessarily help everyone - I'm just sharing in case any of this is useful for you.
Thankyou so much for sharing your experiences. It’s a great insight to how it can feel for my daughter, I am starting to recognise her triggers, yesterday I knew there was something a bit off but missed it, next time I will know. She apologised to me after so she obviously feels awful and that’s sad too that when your all going through this you have the added worry of how you’ve reacted. I’ve been thinking about getting a weighted blanket for her, I will do some research on this site and get some recommendations, Thankyou again that’s been so helpful!