Undiagnosed 13 year old son refusing to go to school

Has he always had trouble with making friends or going into school (from year 1). Bullying can cause issues,from teachers or students. When my son struggled in primary I picked him up for lunch and we sat in the car for an hour. It gave him time away from school to reboot. Could that be an option? Talk to him about his classes and teachers see if anything comes out about any issues 

It is incredibly frustrating with the lack of resources. It sounds like you are getting some support but I hear what you are saying that it is small steps of kind of trial and error. It is a steep learning curve for all of us and it is great to have a place like this forum to share our experiences. I don't know about you but I am so glad I posted on here and see that I am not the only one. I feel for your daughter though that the time out cards make her feel that she doesn't want to stand out. My son felt this way about some of the solutions the school has offered but I am hoping that the new plan to leave class 5 mins before the end of a lesson to move on to his next class will work out. 

There are schools in our LA with specialist provision but our new update is that with the support his current school has offered he has agreed to go back on Monday. His mood changed after our informal meeting with one of his teachers and he is looking forward to going back on Monday. Talking through with him his expectations and anxieties in small things that happen in the school day has really helped. We talked about only the positive experiences he has on a day to day basis at school in a chit chat way. That seemed to really help. Also hearing from the teacher about other pupils in school having difficulties like his made him feel that he wasn't alone and things can get better.

Thank you for answering me. It sounds like the mentoring for your daughter helps. Does she know what stresses her? Once my son was able to see what stresses him his mood changed. We worked this out together during late night meltdowns when I was the one he was able to talk to. It has been emotionally draining but he allowed me to share some of our chats with school. This sharing didn't help at first but is now. If you have a positive relationship with the school your daughter currently attends it may be better to stay there. From my experience so much depends on how my son trusts the school staff and how many positive experiences he has had so far. He sees it as a balance sheet where the good stuff outweighs the bad/uncomfortable. Sometimes the little steps are the important ones. I wish you luck too.

Hope you get some support too.

Update is that his current school are trying really hard. Son and I had an informal meeting with a senior member of staff and my son has agreed to return to school if support is in place. One solution is to leave each class 5 mins before the end of a lesson to avoid the crowds moving between classes. He will also be trying out lunchtime clubs where he will feel less anxious. I am relieved that he doesn't want to change school.

Hi. My 12 year old daughter is in a similar situation and has refused school on a number of occassions, although thankfully not for weeks at a time yet, but I feel we are only a step away form this. Her stress levels are getting worse and worse, and there doesn't appear to be any help out there to keep these children in school (especially in Kent, where there are almost non-existent kids mental health & ASD services provided by local government). One thing that seemed to help slightly was being able to go in late on Wednesdays, so she gets a lie in and just misses a single lesson. This helps to keep her going I think. She won't use her time out card in lessons because she doesn't want to stand out. She has a mentor that she trusts, which is also vital, but only meets with her once a week on a 1 to 1 basis. Task boards and a red/green card (so she can show rather than say when she's struggling) have helped slightly but don't have a major impact. Is there a school near you that has a specilist autism unit? We have considered moving to a school which has more specialist provision but ours is much further away than her current local school and in a slightly rougher area so I just don't know if it would be the right move, even if we could get a place. I really do wish you luck.

Hello, my son is 12, he hasn’t gone to school since the transition from primary to secondary, we have tried 3 mainstream school but he hasn’t be able to go, we are also on a huge waiting list for Cheyne assessment and for his anxiety.  We have been told by a psychologist that he is on the spectrum and also he has sensory processing disorder that way he hasn’t be able to cope in secondary.

I went to a sensory workshop yesterday and it really help me to understand why he does certain things when he walks down the street and at home. 

we are just sitting here waiting while he is at home.

hope you get some support 

I’m glad I could help in some sort of way!

I am only beginning to understand what you are going through and I hope you are getting the support you need too. It really helps to hear that things will get better. I hope your homeschooling is going well. I think the biggest thing is asking for help for us parents but more importantly for anyone struggling with these difficulties. Our son has been opening up. I thank you for your advice on not letting him make the school decision. This is the worst part of being a parent trying to do the right thing. Thank you so much.

This happened to me and I didn’t go to school for weeks which turned into months, and when I did go to school I could not get out of the car because it felt like everything and everyone was against me and trying to ruin my life. I am now homeschooled which I find great but i hardly socialise with anybody. This is the last thing I want for him so I want to help before it escalates, even though I can’t do much I just hope me understanding what your son is going through helps! It’s hard for him now but when he starts opening up to the idea that people are trying to help him I think for him things will be easier. I think it’s really good he’s got other friends out of that school so he doesn’t see them as something bad like the school. The option of going to another school is always there but there is always gonna be a possibility that it will be worse. I think he needs time and family to push him to do things. Things do get better as cliche as it sounds with the right support which he will get. It’s not the best to let him make these decisions of going to another school when he’s in this state of mind because he will do anything to get out of the situation he’s in now.

Thank you so much Maddie! His school are talking about a support group of others going through the same as him. I am waiting to hear back from them. There are teachers that he does like but hasn't been able to go them. He was able to get out of class and there were spaces he could go to but never used them. Now I just can't get him to go to this school even though they seem to be trying to help, he just doesn't see that they are trying to help. He says if he goes back it will just be the same, that no one likes him and he will be miserable. He goes to a club and wants to go to the same school as friends he has made at that club. I am worried that he tries a new school and it is worse. 

Hi I’m maddie, 14 years old and I have Aspergers. I was bullied and drove out of the first secondary school I went to then built enough courage to go to a different one. I would have meltdowns everyday get excluded, have detentions for 40 mins everyday after school and I felt as if no one understood me. Everyone just thought I was naughty and did not give me the right support. Hopefully this is not happening with your sons school but has he got a get out of lesson card if things get too much if not I would really recommend that and maybe a quiet place in the school that he can go to during break if he thinks he’s about to have a meltdown. Kids at the age never understand autism but please let him know he doesn’t have to fit in and do things he thinks he should be doing because everyone else is! At my school we had a nurture base where there was other like minded kids that’s understood, is there any place like that where he can mix with other children going through things he may be going through? Also is there a teacher he likes that he could go to, to give him support in the day? I hope this helped.