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Undiagnosed 13 year old son refusing to go to school

NAS64629

Hi I am new to the forum and feeling very lost. Our son seems to be HFASD going by what we've read so far. He always seemed a bit different growing up and then made the transition to secondary school. It all changed when he was excluded from school. This happened 3 times in the space of a month. We were told this was not normal behaviour and then a teacher from the Learning Support Unit observed him. This led to referral for an ASD assessment. The waiting list is huge! Five months later I am pleased to say we have started to receive some support still no diagnosis. However our son has become increasingly withdrawn and distressed. He is refusing to go to school. All of his behaviour issues are at school with lack of concentration in class but is worst during break times and any social interaction. He has now been off school for more than a week and I really don't know how to change things. He wants to change school. The one he goes to has small class sizes of 16  but is an hour of commute away. He wants to go to a school nearer to home but the class sizes are around 30. He cannot connect with any of his peers, wants to fit in but he says all the kids are horrible to him and no one is doing anything to help. He did try and speak out but everything got worse for him. I really wanted to know if anyone on here had good strategies for going to school, experienced any of this or any help with how he deals with other kids?

Parents

  • Hi. My 12 year old daughter is in a similar situation and has refused school on a number of occassions, although thankfully not for weeks at a time yet, but I feel we are only a step away form this. Her stress levels are getting worse and worse, and there doesn't appear to be any help out there to keep these children in school (especially in Kent, where there are almost non-existent kids mental health & ASD services provided by local government). One thing that seemed to help slightly was being able to go in late on Wednesdays, so she gets a lie in and just misses a single lesson. This helps to keep her going I think. She won't use her time out card in lessons because she doesn't want to stand out. She has a mentor that she trusts, which is also vital, but only meets with her once a week on a 1 to 1 basis. Task boards and a red/green card (so she can show rather than say when she's struggling) have helped slightly but don't have a major impact. Is there a school near you that has a specilist autism unit? We have considered moving to a school which has more specialist provision but ours is much further away than her current local school and in a slightly rougher area so I just don't know if it would be the right move, even if we could get a place. I really do wish you luck.

  • in reply to Dizzy

    It is incredibly frustrating with the lack of resources. It sounds like you are getting some support but I hear what you are saying that it is small steps of kind of trial and error. It is a steep learning curve for all of us and it is great to have a place like this forum to share our experiences. I don't know about you but I am so glad I posted on here and see that I am not the only one. I feel for your daughter though that the time out cards make her feel that she doesn't want to stand out. My son felt this way about some of the solutions the school has offered but I am hoping that the new plan to leave class 5 mins before the end of a lesson to move on to his next class will work out. 

    There are schools in our LA with specialist provision but our new update is that with the support his current school has offered he has agreed to go back on Monday. His mood changed after our informal meeting with one of his teachers and he is looking forward to going back on Monday. Talking through with him his expectations and anxieties in small things that happen in the school day has really helped. We talked about only the positive experiences he has on a day to day basis at school in a chit chat way. That seemed to really help. Also hearing from the teacher about other pupils in school having difficulties like his made him feel that he wasn't alone and things can get better.

    Thank you for answering me. It sounds like the mentoring for your daughter helps. Does she know what stresses her? Once my son was able to see what stresses him his mood changed. We worked this out together during late night meltdowns when I was the one he was able to talk to. It has been emotionally draining but he allowed me to share some of our chats with school. This sharing didn't help at first but is now. If you have a positive relationship with the school your daughter currently attends it may be better to stay there. From my experience so much depends on how my son trusts the school staff and how many positive experiences he has had so far. He sees it as a balance sheet where the good stuff outweighs the bad/uncomfortable. Sometimes the little steps are the important ones. I wish you luck too.

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  • in reply to Dizzy

    It is incredibly frustrating with the lack of resources. It sounds like you are getting some support but I hear what you are saying that it is small steps of kind of trial and error. It is a steep learning curve for all of us and it is great to have a place like this forum to share our experiences. I don't know about you but I am so glad I posted on here and see that I am not the only one. I feel for your daughter though that the time out cards make her feel that she doesn't want to stand out. My son felt this way about some of the solutions the school has offered but I am hoping that the new plan to leave class 5 mins before the end of a lesson to move on to his next class will work out. 

    There are schools in our LA with specialist provision but our new update is that with the support his current school has offered he has agreed to go back on Monday. His mood changed after our informal meeting with one of his teachers and he is looking forward to going back on Monday. Talking through with him his expectations and anxieties in small things that happen in the school day has really helped. We talked about only the positive experiences he has on a day to day basis at school in a chit chat way. That seemed to really help. Also hearing from the teacher about other pupils in school having difficulties like his made him feel that he wasn't alone and things can get better.

    Thank you for answering me. It sounds like the mentoring for your daughter helps. Does she know what stresses her? Once my son was able to see what stresses him his mood changed. We worked this out together during late night meltdowns when I was the one he was able to talk to. It has been emotionally draining but he allowed me to share some of our chats with school. This sharing didn't help at first but is now. If you have a positive relationship with the school your daughter currently attends it may be better to stay there. From my experience so much depends on how my son trusts the school staff and how many positive experiences he has had so far. He sees it as a balance sheet where the good stuff outweighs the bad/uncomfortable. Sometimes the little steps are the important ones. I wish you luck too.

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