Dealing with obsessions

NAS63497 said:

I wonder if you have any advice for me please. My son gets very obsessed with other children but in a negative way (never in a positive way??) And is very focused on fairness and an eye for an eye.

I cannot of course be sure whether you are just using the phrase "Eye for an eye; tooth and for tooth" in part as a turn of phrase, but it can be explained and reasoned from the standpoint of exchanging an "I for an I and a wisdom for a wisdom" ~ involving the moral and ethical importance of using the compassionate self of love; as develops through true wisdom as obviously being the true self ~  instead of using the judgemental self of hate; as develops from false wisdom as obviously being by contrast the false self.

Thank you, both me and my husband adopt the avoid the person altogether to avoid any unpredictable conflict but I don't think that's something you can teach it's just something he'll have to learn it :-( A lot of it is just offloading in his safe place and to people who he trusts, testing the ground I suppose to see what our reaction would be if he did do certain things however he often gereally cross with us if it's not the answer he wants to hear. I sometimes make light of it, giving examples of when an eye for and eye is wrong to try and distract him from his focus, sometimes that works and makes him laugh but sometimes it makes him even more mad! Thanks for your help it really is appreciated

If he's anything like me (and that's far from certain but let's imagine!) then he's unlikely to carry out any kind of revenge that he's imagined. Only age has brought me the understanding that I can't control other people's behaviours and that often they haven't even thought of something the way I have, and there was no "intent" in what they did. Or at least, it's less stress for me if I imagine that no-one was "out to get me".

I may have occasionally imagined revenge (can't think of examples though), but would never say anything because of my fear that this will lead to more unpredictable and unmanageable interaction and stress.

Think of the pros...there will be many other children going to high school who are interested in Pokemon (a LOT of adults are too!) and it's an ice breaker for your son. Those children not interested won't be but those who are they will have an instant connection to build friendships on. I understand your worry though as kids can be cruel and we just want to protect our babies :-(

Hi 

You guys have given some really insightful comments here. I wonder if you have any advice for me please. My son gets very obsessed with other children but in a negative way (never in a positive way??) And is very focused on fairness and an eye for an eye. As parents we've tried to teach him against this, tried reasoning it out and tried to 'enforce' the correct behaviours but this just seems to have the reverse affect and he transfixes on his 'revenge' even more. He doesn't often carry our what he's verbalised to the extent he verbalised it (thank goodness!) but as parents we are deeply worried about it in case he ever does! When all is good in his world he's lovely :-( but his perception is that many children have done things 'on purpose' when they really haven't! Any advice??? 

Awesome!  I hope you're successful and that he has a great time!

I'm a Pan-Nerdist - I'm into all technology - I did Lego, Airfix, RC models, electronics etc. when I was young - I became a chartered engineer - building rockets and running nuclear particle accelerators.   Knowledge can go a long way.

I’ll get him to have a look at that link thanks. He does like marvel too so will be interested in that! He loves Lego but even that’s taken a back seat at the moment because of Pokemon. We got some air fix kits and some science workbooks today. We’re going to build the model tomorrow, he seems excited about it too 

I'm in my 50s - I've got tons of Technical Lego.  I'm not into Ryan's Reviews - I need more tech than that.   I just bought an FPV drone that has an on-board camera that streams to a smart phone - it's got 6-axis stabilisation and auto-hover.    All for £30   </nerd>

He loves Lego. And Ryans toy review unfortunately. I'll let him have a look at this.

You're welcome.

Get him to have a look at some of these YouTubes   https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kD06SQtfA5s 

It's a physicist talking about the downsides of superpowers - it's very funny - he's done a whole series about making your own X-wing, why you don't want the power of flight and how to kill zombies.     It might get him thinking about wider subjects.

Does he do Lego?    Does he make models?    Mario Kart is basically a radio controlled car.......

Thank you both, really good to hear your thoughts on this. You’re absolutely right, I know that ‘forcing’ him away from Pokemon is fruitless and would likely cause more distress. I really like the Idea of trying to link it in with science etc as he does like science.

I have tried things like coding etc to encourage him to channel his focus on something more educational but the interests tend to be fiction based, previous to Pokemon it’s been Mario, Kirby etc. He did have a love of Greek mythology for a while which was brilliant, he learnt so much and taught us so much too. I think my concern about this current obsession is the ferocity to which it has taken hold. It’s constant, perhaps because he is off school.

thanks again for your advice, we’re going to head in to town today to look for some activities and will try to link his interests in to them as you’ve suggested 

I agree with this ^^^

Try to find ways to stretch his interest into other things - physics & science are great to get him to explain how all their powers could work in reality - and he might see how other things can be interesting too.

Limiting what he finds his relaxation in is taking away his relaxation - therefore increasing his stress and anxiety.

You might find that once he's assimilated everything there is to know about Pokemon he'll move onto something else.

Are you or your husband techy or nerdy enough to challenge his appetite for knowledge?  Are you able to indulge his thirst for data?

Hi,

I'm no expert in parenting autistic children but I was once an autistic child, and I think that anything you do that tries to "enforce" the behaviour you'd like to see risks resulting in quite a lot of distress, so I'd caution against it. From what you've said I think you already know this.

Even as an adult, and I don't think this applies only to autistic adults, I find that deciding to stop focussing on one thing and instead focus on another really has to come "from within" - but nudges and incentives from outside can help encourage this (though it can take a long time).

The key might be to somehow link what you want him to focus on with what he loves; for example, if you want him to focus on science homework, ask him which of the Pokemons would be good at science & how they might approach his particular bit of homework?

I could easily be talking absolute rubbish, but I know for instance that my childhood obsession with radios propelled me through a career as an engineer; his obsessions might do likewise if channelled (though in my case I channelled myself and wouldn't have taken kindly to anyone trying to "steer" me!).

You know your son of course, but I'd suggest that everyone will be happier if you can avoid having to be proscriptive. If he can stomach it, of course you could see if he will agree to the logic of setting aside time for various things (appealing to logic might be a good way "in").