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Aggression and defiance!

Kerry

Hi my son is 4 and just settling into reception, the process has really thrown him and although he is doing really well in school mornings are hell and it seems like the second we get in he starts with aggressive and defiant behaviour, he won't use his potty in the afternoon he hits me, scratches me and pulls my hair, everything I ask of him is met with arguments and back chat physical aggression, mornings are just as bad, he won't come downstairs, has stopped eating breakfast cos he seems to think I won't send him to school if he doesn't eat, which is not true, and getting him dressed results in me being kicked etc I broke down in tears this afternoon as I had just had enough, he was upset by that and behaved after just don't think me crying every time he is like this is the answer, does anybody have any suggestions? 

  • Hi there, it is very hard for you I am sure and sometimes we have this too, my son is 8 and we have the same routine in the morning and it seems to be working.  The reason they react that way in the morning is that they know they have to go to school and conform with what is happening there, so for them its anxiety and then after school, is that they have had to sit at school and do everything they are asked to do and really struggle to stick to the rules that when they come home, they left off steam and home for them is the safest place for them to do that, unfortunately we take the brunt of it, but they have struggled all day with the noise, smells, touches etc that they so struggle with. 

    Our routine in the morning is that they get up they will watch tv till 7.00pm, my son gets up at 6.00am every morning and then 7.00 tv off and then breakfast and then get dressed for school etc, if he has enough time he will watch again a bit before going to school, if he plays up and takes his time, there is no tv.  Same sort of routine after school, I tend to give him an hour in the afternoon after school to just chill out and not ask him too many questions about his day and give him a snack let him just unwind for an hour and then we can do other things after that like homework, drawing, reading etc.  Seems to work with us.

    Be strong, I know it is so hard, but you are all they have.

  • Hi,

    I've just joined the forum today, as our son, has only just received a all but firm diagnosis of ASD, with a side order of ADHD.

    I feel for you and  Mark, now nearly 8 has adopted these tactics of a school morning and used manipulative and violent behaviour.  It was as if reading about myself.  I would be exhausted and breaking into a sweat just managing to get him dressed and tustling with him and 'negotiating', just to be able to get him to school and thus, get myself to work. Mark would kick, punch, spit and scratch me in the process.  Now he is nearly 8 and so very strong and the pre school routine is more affixed in his routine, cognitively, he is less violent.

    Pre school routine:

    We get Mark dressed, whilst he is still in bed and he is still dopey and all floppy, then he comes down to breakfast.

    Agree totally with the 'bribary' approach as it has worked and nothing else has.  The carrot and stick approach... I would promise a trip to the play park, straight after school, a ride inthe front of the car.  Mark could never, still cannot verbalise what used to, or still does deter him from wanting to go to school.   

    Thinking back.... the transition to primary school threw Mark's world upside down and it did take 2 terms for him to settle in. 

    We have an older daughter, 11 years of age and life is hell for her sometimes.  She has a scar on one of her cheeks when he lashed out at her on a driving holiday through France, 4 years ago.  I sit in the back of the car on all car jouneys, as if a child, in order to separate Mark from Julia and they take it in strict turns to sit up front, with Dad.

    Good luck, it is awful I know.  You are a great Mum, trying your very best with a very, very difficult situation that others do NOT understand.  This is why I have joined the forum, to glean advice and try to help others.  Clare. xx

  • i have seen a few autistics, and my partner included, say they work better and are more likely to 'comply' if they have a reason to, ie something positive in it for them

    is this bribary? yes, but does it work? yes, and thats what matters

    forget all the typical 'oh you shouldnt bribe people to do soemthing blah blah' it doesnt matter here, 'polite pc social decorum' is the least helpful thing with autism, you do what you have to to keep everybody happy in these situations

    so you find something he will enjoy/like, and will see as worth doing what you ask for and say, 'if you eat i will give/get you this/that', 'if you go to school i will give you this' etc

    also if there are any problems, try to ask him what it is, it sounds like he might have a reason not to want to go to school, be it the lights, noises, people, food, whatever, try to find out why hes doing this