Partners of people with aspergers

Hi Partner_34,

I believe I have been in a similar position to you in the past (do correct me if you think I am projecting here).

I would guess you are quite a patient person and have been working hard to accommodate/support your ND partner. If your experience is like mine then you have tolerated behaviour from your partner that you would not tolerate from someone NT?

If so, then this puts you in a difficult position, you want to support your partner and account for the behaviour. However, you do not want to be a pushover and you do not want to countenance behaviour that is unpleasant if it is within your partner’s control. Obviously, it is not possible to separate out personality from a neurological condition, so you are struggling to know where to draw the lines?

If I am correct in my assessment then:

First, yes this is a really difficult part of being in a NT-ND relationship, don’t feel like this is just you, I am sure lots of people struggle with this.

Second, as I mentioned earlier, I don’t think you can expect to get a clear answer to your question. What I would suggest is that you be very direct with your partner. Let them know how you feel and make it clear that this behaviour is hurtful to you. It may be a good idea to establish some rules, realistic boundaries for your partner so that they are clear on what behaviour you will tolerate and what behaviour is too much. Obliviously, you will need to come up with these together so that you are able to agree on some that is realistic for both of you.  

I hope this helps.

Hi Partner_34,

I believe I have been in a similar position to you in the past (do correct me if you think I am projecting here).

I would guess you are quite a patient person and have been working hard to accommodate/support your ND partner. If your experience is like mine then you have tolerated behaviour from your partner that you would not tolerate from someone NT?

If so, then this puts you in a difficult position, you want to support your partner and account for the behaviour. However, you do not want to be a pushover and you do not want to countenance behaviour that is unpleasant if it is within your partner’s control. Obviously, it is not possible to separate out personality from a neurological condition, so you are struggling to know where to draw the lines?

If I am correct in my assessment then:

First, yes this is a really difficult part of being in a NT-ND relationship, don’t feel like this is just you, I am sure lots of people struggle with this.

Second, as I mentioned earlier, I don’t think you can expect to get a clear answer to your question. What I would suggest is that you be very direct with your partner. Let them know how you feel and make it clear that this behaviour is hurtful to you. It may be a good idea to establish some rules, realistic boundaries for your partner so that they are clear on what behaviour you will tolerate and what behaviour is too much. Obliviously, you will need to come up with these together so that you are able to agree on some that is realistic for both of you.  

I hope this helps.