Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi all, I have a question to any parents out there with a teenage autistic child. My 15 year old daughter is currently in the transition from mainstream to a specialise school due to her social emotional needs. She leaves next Friday but for the last few weeks every other day she will refuse to go into school for no apparent reason.
I understand she is anxious about leaving and starting a new school but I have to question is she being a typical teenager who doesn't want to go? I have taken away her phone and stopped her from going to after school club as a punishment for not going to school but does this make a difference? Should I even be punishing her or just accept that her refusal of school goes with the territory.
Would love to hear your opinions on this as the school aren't interested now because she is leaving shortly anyway
I can speak from personal experience on this one. I wasn't diagnosed as autistic until I was 38, but I did have a dilemma of the choice to change schools.
I was 14 or 15, and had been under an Educational Psychologist (who didn't pick up on my autism!), for so called "behavioual problems". I was on the verge of expulsion. I know your daughters case is different, but I was offered the option of a transfer to one of two other schools. My grades were very high, so they were willing to take me.
I couldn't handle the thought of change. I knew kids at both schools, and I wouldn't have had a problem getting to either. I had quite a lot of family at one school too. I probably wouldn't have been bullied or shunned because the kids all knew I was "a bit odd", but they were cool with me nevertheless. I'd spoken to teachers from both schools with my parents, and my Educational Psychologist, they had both put a plan into place to accomodate me. Things looked good, I was on the verge of moving, but then the dread set in.
I knew the layout of the school. I knew for certain the kids were going to leave me alone. I had a girlfriend at the school. I knew which teachers liked and hated me. Even small things like where the vending machines, toilets, and various minor points were comforting. Most of all I'd worked out a routine, and even more importantly coping strategies. I didn't know anything about autism, but I knew how to function in that environment to the best of my ability. I ended up staying, getting expelled, and that was that.
I think that's probably a major part of your daughters problems with moving, having to form a new routine, and strategies for coping. It's frankly fucking terrifying.
I think that talking this through with your daughter is the main thing. Preparation, and planning are a big part of autistic life. We tend to overthink, and this is where the stress forms, that leads to situations like you and your daughter are experiencing. Talk to her and try to help her rationalise, plan, and get used to it all. I'd just let her skip school on those days, and not put pressure on her. Let her get comfortable, and just talk. I think she's probably just planning, worrying, and trying to rationalise the whole situation. Most autistic people are perfectly fine when they can get their head around how they will deal with it.
I hope things work out for you both. You seem concerned, and want the best for your daughter. It's new territory for you both, so expect things to be a little difficult.
Best of luck, and all the best. Things should be OK.
Cloudy
I was 14 when my parents moved from London to Devon. I was pleased to get away from the London school because of the bullying there. But I was absolutely petrified of going to the new school. And it wasn't 'mainstream to SEN'. It was 'mainstream to mainstream'. I was right to be petrified. The bullying was much, much worse. Horrendous. I felt under threat, every day. Most of my school day was about being targeted and threatened in class, then being as quick on my feet as I could at break times so that I could get away to a hiding place. The toilets, the road, or anywhere where teachers were around, such as the dining hall. I bunked off for much of my final year. I wasn't losing out because the fear meant I wasn't learning anything, anyway. The headmaster kept making promises to my parents, but not really following through. He even 'buddied' me with one of the school's worst thugs, which shows how in touch he was with things. Culmination? A playground beating at 16, just before any exams that I wouldn't have passed anyway. I was then in hospital while they reset my smashed cheekbone.
I suppose one positive legacy of it is that I can hold my head up and say I never failed a single exam at school.
I understand the problem of having two children and needing to try to treat them alike, with both rewards and sanctions, so that one doesn't end up feeling the other is getting a better deal. But a neurodiverse child and a neurotypical child presents difficulties on that score, and it will need careful handling. That's why input from a SENco or other professional would help. And the school shouldn't need to be pushed into doing something. Sadly, though, they often do.