Desperate Need For Help....

This is a last resort for me, I have been struggling with my son for as long as I can remember, I am at my last tether with him, so I was hoping if I was to post about him and his behaviours here then you might be able to tell me if I am barking up the wrong tree or not.

I have 3 boys and currently pregnant with number 4, the son I am having trouble with his my middle child who is 5 years old. He is completely unmanageable and unruly at home but apparently an absolute angel at school, literally polar opposites.

I have done numerous parenting courses including 1,2,3 magic which i was told if it doesn't work and the child doesn't respond then there is something wrong. The method works for my 7 year old and my 2 year old.

I went in to my sons school last September (2017) and spoke to the school SENCO when he first started school to get some help as I knew that my youngest child would start to copy his behaviours, they didn't seem to want to know initially so after speaking with them on a couple more occasions and finally writing a crisis letter to the head teacher I finally got myself a TAF meeting in June. They were meant to send "pathways" off in July but they have yet to do this. (I have been told that the TAF is a legal document and they need to abide by it)

The school don't see any issues with my sons behaviour which really infuriates me as I cannot see how he can be the way he is at home but be completely the opposite at school, surely he would show at least some signs. 

As I said above I have been struggling for a long time with my son, easily the last 3 years and it is only getting worse as the days go by. I have done my own research as any mother would and I feel as though he may have some form of autism, I know that it is a broad spectrum disorder. My brother in law is severely autistic and my own brother has Asperger's, I have read autism is genetic.

So the same sort of things happen on a daily basis;

• My son will generally be more unmanageable when we get back from school as if he is releasing a valve, he will run riot around the house.
• He tends to thrive on routine a weekend will be a lot worse as we have no real set routine.
• My son is obsessed/revolves around food, I don't know if this is because he can guarantee that he will always be fed, in regards to it being a routine, or if that it is just an obsession.
• He doesn't seem to understand the concept of time, he will ask when his dinner is ready I will say 10 minutes or at 5 O'Clock and he will have a melt down because he wants it now and doesn't understand that he has to wait for it to cook. We have shown him the clock and what numbers to look for but he just cant quite grasp it. Even if we manage to get him on time out he will constantly ask when his time is up despite having a timer on.
• One of the main issues we have is violence and aggression; my son is very violent and aggressive, if given a toy by his younger brother that he doesn't want he will throw it across the room in anger, he cant seem to express himself that he doesn't want that one he would like a different one. He will hit, punch and pinch his brothers sometimes for no reason other than because he can. He has lashed out at myself and his father too.
• He is also threatening, and will threaten to hit or hurt his brothers, he has been know to threaten with knives. He will say things like I will cut your throat or stab you. I have hidden all knives and can't even give him a child's knife with his dinner.
• My son will say hurtful things to myself and his brothers: he hates us, mummy is dead etc
• If not getting his own way he will scratch at furniture and pull at things with his teeth
• He is impulsive, he will randomly shout out while eating his dinner, randomly scream while playing for no reason, pull his pants down and flash his bum again for no reason other than because that is what he wants to do.
• He breaks new toys within 24 hours even if they are not his, he has recently broken something of mine and didn't own up to it until i found it. he has chewed his bunk bed and taken all the paint off it with his teeth.
• He has no patients, he cannot wait for things and wants it now
• Recently its becoming a real issue getting him to bed, he will argue with us and refuse to go, on 2 occasions it has taken us 2 hours or more to get him to settle down with him screaming and shouting. His dad will get him up the stairs but he will find a way past him and get back down again.. we do have stair gates but he can open them and climb over them (we have taken the down stairs one off as it became more dangerous to have it on with him climbing it) he also gets up early every morning no matter what time that he goes to bed, he is always up about 5/6am and refuses to go back to his bed. once he his up he expects everyone else to get up with him.
• He doesn't seem to have much of an attention span or imagination, I feel he finds it hard to engage and play with his brothers. He waits for there lead he cannot instigate playing. when he does play its not for a long time, he will soon get bored. On the rare occasion I let him on his tablet he will constantly ask to change the game or change the game constantly.
• My son doesn't make eye contact and you can see that his eyes are constantly looking around (his eyes are fine we have regular optician appointments)
• He shows no remorse for his actions, he wont apologise for his actions, when he hurts his brothers or breaks something
• He asks me the same questions every day, asks if his shoes are on the right feet every day (he knows which is which) 
• We have a calm before the storm, we can have a good day with him where he is manageable and not so unruly but then we will have an even worse day the next day
• My son will smirk, smile and laugh when he knows he has done wrong or is doing something wrong, he cant seem to help himself.
• He refuses to do most things i ask him to do, e.g put your jumper on for school, i get told no. please help your brothers tidy, no. etc
• He constantly has to have something in his mouth, he is always chewing something (i have bought him "chewelry") he would rather chew something he isn't meant to chew.
• He appears to be sociable, but i noted while in the shops in the summer holidays he came across a friend from school who said hi, my son turned around and said "I'm not speaking to you as i don't remember your name" he then went on to ignore him when we saw him again leaving the store. i felt this was a pretty inappropriate thing to say which spurred me to look into autism as it is something my brother would say.

i appreciate this is long and it is only a very brief outline as he does more and I have so many more examples. I also appreciate the time anyone takes to read this and hopefully can give me some help and advice, i understand he might not have autism as i have looked into a number of different other things too, i was just hoping i could take this with me to my next TAF meeting as some more evidence.

Thank you in advance and feel free to ask me anything if you want to know more about his behaviour.