Advice needed

I'm hoping I'm posting in right group. I'm not a parent but a concerned aunty. I have 2 autistic nephews. First one (i will call 1) is 4 newly diagnosed and i would say severe autistic. He has parents that want to burry head in sand. Refuse to accept he is autistic and wants everyone to treat him the same as the other children  in the family. He doesn't share and is quite aggressive with the younger children in the family. Nobody in the family know how to handle him so everyone has conflicting attitudes to him. How would you go about getting him the help he so desperately needs if his parents are not bothered? 

E.g. couple weeks ago was 1's younger brothers birthday so a family member bought a present for him. But 1 wanted it and was hurting his brother, parent takes toy off both kids and hides it. 1 is still performing so another family member takes toy out and gives it to 1 

What would you have done in this situation? 

Me, I would of given it to the birthday boy and taken 1 into a room he couldn't hurt himself or others tried to explain it's not his, I know he doesn't understand fully but surely just giving in to his agrrsive behaviour is only going to cause problems when he is older and harder to handle? 

But then I don't know how to help 1, and neither does anyone in the family.  My way could cause more problems or the parents way could or the other family members way.  

Second child is 14 ( Will call 2) and undiagnosed. He has autistic qualities and had a psych valuation which said he is border personality and autistic. But nobody wants to officially label him anything so he is not getting any help. He goes to a special unit in comp that is for kids with disabilities andlearning difficulties but they won't help him. Drs won't help him. Iscan won't help him. His nan looks after him permanatly and he is getting very agresive and physical with her to the point she had to phone police other week cos he was beating her with a metal pole. Police wanted to arrest him but said he's on his last warning. Nobody wants to help her and it's so very stressful. Any ideas who she could turn to for help? 

  • This sounds like a very stressful situation for all involved. You deserve credit for reaching out and trying to get help.

    The NAS has a page here that gives coping strategies for challenging behaviour. The NAS helpline can be found here. The NAS does offer a parent to parent service which you can find here. Child Autism UK also have a helpline, you find it here. There is also a web site written from the perspective of a mother of autistic children here.  There is a Facebook page ‘Autism Moms Support Group’ that can be found here, it’s based in the U.S.A. but has an international reach. There is more advice here. 

    I would suggest that the 14 year old needs to have an official diagnosis, so he can access the help he obviously needs. Hopefully others will give direct advice. All the best. Graham.

  • This is really hard.  Regarding 1 - in one sense you have to let the parents come to the point where they are ready to face the problem themselves.  You could try socialising with the parents without the kids there and over tea and sympathy gently try and broach the subject. (If you haven't already)  At the end of the day though, it is their child and you can't interfere really, unless it directly affects you/your children.  The parents may really be struggling but not have a clue what to do so just be supportive and there for them when they do want to talk, I would say.  You could find out about parent support groups in their area and pass them the details maybe.

    If I was the parents, though, I would be really cross at family overriding their decision to take away the toy though... That's so out of order.  It undermines their parental authority.

    Regarding 2 - I think this is slightly different if the son is physically hurting his Gran.  Are you able to talk to the Gran about it?  Social services should be involved to help the family so if they aren't already then you could contact them yourself.  Try to get Gran to do it herself first though I would as you don't want to fall out.  Social Services could then provide more help in getting the child what he needs.  The other thing she should do is maybe try videoing the child to show what he is like, and/or keeping a diary.  Then take that to the doctors and refuse to budge until they do something.  Unfortunately, it takes a lot of fight to get help in the this country so Gran is definitely going to need some support to do this.  

    I hope it works out for them all.