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Consequences for 12 year old with ASC

KateB
over 5 years ago

Hi. Normally my high-functioning 12 year old is good at staying near us when we are out and about. If he's stressed he'll take himself off but not far, so we can still see him. Today we were in a town he doesn't know well, along with his younger brother  who has ASC too, when he had a melt down. At first it looked like he might physically lash out at me but instead snatched my bag and walked off. I assumed he wouldn't have gone far and couldn't leave my other son anyway. However this wasn't the case. To cut a long story short, I eventually found him hiding behind my car about a mile away from where we'd been. How he managed that I don't know as his sense of direction is rubbish.Wink Dad and me have agreed he needs consequences, especially as this will affect our trust in him. We can't decide on what those consequences should be but want them to relate to the issue. Does anyone have any good ideas?

Parents
  • over 5 years ago

    Thanks for your responses. I wanted to clarify that I was on my own with the boys. My husband was not there. I couldn't just leave unfortunately. I could see he was having problems before hand and I offered him a few of our normal tactics to help him but he rejected them. I also understand that he can't control himself when he's having a meltdown and wouldn't ever give him consequences for a meltdown. However I also know (because I know him well and have talked to him) that he did make a decision to disappear and I want him to understand why that is not acceptable. Especially when he took my bag with him with my purse and keys in. 

  • over 5 years ago in reply to KateB

    That does make things harder, especially as your other boy is autistic too and I imagine having to stop what he was doing to follow his sibling with you would cause considerable distress.

    Is there someone you could leave the 12 y/o with (a grandparent?) next time you have an outing that would be with both boys and only one parent? Just that one time, then he could come with you again the next time. That would bring home the message, I think, without being too confrontational.

    If he's rejecting the strategies you have, he probably needs new ones for some reason (or a way to make it clear that he is starting to struggle earlier in the process, as I would often as a child reject any idea when imminently close to meltdown due to sheer lack of capacity to process it with my already overloaded brain).
    When he's calm, talk about why he rejected those strategies and come up with some new ideas together. Slight smile

    And just tell him in stark terms what the consequences could have been if the worst HAD happened. 

Reply
  • over 5 years ago in reply to KateB

    That does make things harder, especially as your other boy is autistic too and I imagine having to stop what he was doing to follow his sibling with you would cause considerable distress.

    Is there someone you could leave the 12 y/o with (a grandparent?) next time you have an outing that would be with both boys and only one parent? Just that one time, then he could come with you again the next time. That would bring home the message, I think, without being too confrontational.

    If he's rejecting the strategies you have, he probably needs new ones for some reason (or a way to make it clear that he is starting to struggle earlier in the process, as I would often as a child reject any idea when imminently close to meltdown due to sheer lack of capacity to process it with my already overloaded brain).
    When he's calm, talk about why he rejected those strategies and come up with some new ideas together. Slight smile

    And just tell him in stark terms what the consequences could have been if the worst HAD happened. 

Children
  • over 5 years ago in reply to Emma

    Also, to clarify, by way of making it clear earlier that he is struggling, that isn't necessarily "you needing to notice earlier"- it's just as likely it may mean working on improving his self-reflective strategies so that HE knows earlier when he is struggling.
    It could be that he rejected the strategies because you spotted the difficulty and he didn't. We do often have trouble identifying our own emotions and stress levels, especially as youngsters. :/