Help with meltdowns

You have identified two areas which could certainly contribute to meltdown propensity: family changes and understanding what has gone on with the diagnosis process.

People on the spectrum have to work things out for themselves, unless someone is kind enough to talk them through it. "Knowledge" helps to overcome anxiety - I can cite Tony Attwood for this - Complete Guide... p182.

Most children will have difficulty sorting out family issues or health matters. What they'll do is talk it through with peers, other adults (including aunts and uncles, teachers, parents of school friends) etc.

You describe your own feelings "my head feels like its constantly going round and round but not coming up with anything new!".  But at least you can externalise this - your husband, other family members, this website.

Your son cannot externalise problems the way Neurotypicals do. This is because of the social communication and interaction difficulty. Family changes such as your ex husband remarrying, being his father, he is internalising entirely. How he perceives the process of diagnoses is entirely in his head. How his brother reacts to his diagnosis is manifest to him as reactions he may not be able to talk round.

What he will get from others is unintelligible bits of information that add to what's spinning round in his head.

If you cannot engage effectively in social interchange, you experience extraordinary isolation. Misunderstandings will develop, manyfold. There's no safety valve. So meltdowns manifest insurmountable internal muddles and confusions and the anxieties generated.

Just to take up that issue of puberty it can be both earlier than usual or later than usual, even very delayed. The authority most people cite is Isabell Henault (2006) Asperger's Syndrome and Sexuality from adolescence through adulthood (Jessica Kingsley Publishers). The section on puberty is pages 19-37. She then goes on to inappropriate sexual behaviours and social skills.

I find it a bit too clinical and have a sense it was written in the context of individuals in an institutional environment - ie difficult to relate to from an able aspergers perspective.

But the trouble is there just isn't enough around on this subject, as Mhairi suggests, this is a very difficult problem for many chuildren and adults on the spectrum.

Where I think it is relevant for an 11 year old is that this will be being discussed by his peers at school. He may not be able to identify readily with what he hears (and sees). Also his social skills may not be able to distinguish bluff, boasting, exaggeration and all the other ways young boys deal with this kind of exploration. If he doesn't appear able to keep up he's going to get name-calling, including gay or ***.

I do wonder whether sexuality plays a part when meltdowns start in early puberty. People on the spectrum just cannot compete "on a level playing field" with the amount of innuendo, bragging and sheer nonsense that will be going on around him at school.

I've made this point on other posts. Sexuality is a crucial issue - it doesn't get discussed in here the way you might expect it should. Autism is no rightful place for prudishness.

Hi there

Very tough times you are going through.  I agree with what Longman has said though, my son has a build up of things over hours, days, weeks and eventually something which seems irrational to a NT is the "straw that broke the camels back".  My son has colours to indicate how he is feeling - to show to those around him.  Those around also have to be mindful to ask what colour are you on as he will not remember to tell them and may appear fine on the outside as he tries to conform and cope. 

There is a book called "The Incredible 5 Point Scale" which you may be able to get from NAS library and we have found helpful as it helps my son express himself before the meltdown....mostly.  In the meantime, does he have something to take his frustration out on - beanbag, pillow, trampoline.  My son is 10 and I know I would be dealing with meltdowns if he had to share a bedroom.  A very difficult situation for you.  Just a random idea but could one of them sleep on a sofa bed in lounge?  I know it is not very practical but if it meant an aggression free house it may be worth a try.  He will feel a lot of attachment to the bedroom space so may be better he stays put.

Many Aspergers kids are very sensitive to any rejection, name calling, unfairness etc. and it may be something someone said to him that has gone straight to the heart and he does not have the tools to deal with.  Very often there is the overflow from coping at school - noise, lots of people with different communication styles, unfairness, pulling faces, name calling (no matter how mild), changes and it goes on.  You may well be aware of all this already and have ruled these points out.  We gave lots of praise and reward at home and reassurance that our son was a good person because he felt a failure after a meltdown.  It provided a distraction and he felt safe with us.  Each situation is so different though.

Does he get support at school and do you have access to specialists to advise you?

One other outside chance, I have heard that often people with Autism have the onset of puberty a wee bit earlier.  I have not investigated enough to prove or disprove but something to bear in mind.  Puberty must be hell for people on the spectrum.

Hoping things improve for you, they normally do and that is when I crash from the emotional strain of it all.  Thankfully we do always seem to come through it, learn more and get stronger.

He is very lucky to have your unconditional love and that you are searching for a way to improve things for you all.

Best wishes

If I can pick up on the issue of trying to analyse triggers, be mindful that this is sensory overload. A trigger proximal to the event might be very slight "the straw that broke the camel's back" (useless metaphor in a modern UK context).

What you may need to examine is the cumulative pattern of triggering factors. In terms of immediate environment, sound and smell can involve things you cannot hear, eg the flicker of strip lights, the smell of a particular deoderant or perfume, or even household soap might be much stronger and very different from how you perceive it.

However the causality may be hours or even days earlier. People on the spectrum may perceive sleights that were not intended, or misunderstand something said, and it will go round and round in their heads as they endeavour to resolve what is upsetting them. Things you might say then quickly forget you said may still be cropping up in his thoughts days or weeks later. He will remember sharply and pictorially incidents that hurt that will keep recurring in dreams and awake.

In part this arises because the difficulties we have with social comprehension means we have to analyse much more closely. That predisposes us to be overly analytical. Many people are inclined towards spiralling anxiety where negative things we hear or imagine reinforce negative feelings.

The meltdown reactions therefore can reflect pain he cannot communicate to you in any other way, that you might not believe could arise. It might be worry about things that happened hours or days ago that still play on his mind. It might be due to environmental distractions you are not affected by.

Added to this is the bottleneck or bandwidth effect. A child's ability to handle all the information coming at him/her has to be handled over a narrower capacity to process this information so it piles up.

Spotting triggers therefore may not be helpful. Trying to find out what causes distress long term and helping your child unravel this might ease the meltdown propensity, but don't force eye contact or personal proximity if that could be a trigger.

I mentioned household goods smelling different. I was curious about five years before I was diagnosed I took some lemon scented washing up liquid back to a shop because it smelled to my senses disgustingly of vomit. I'd asked other people beforehand if they agreed but they all smellt lemon-fresh. Looking back with hindsight I suspect that's AS sensitivity going funny. I do find lots of household products smell very odd to me.

Hi scorpion, 

Its good advice,unfortunately not always possible, my son has trashed his room, and when we've gone in there after an hour we have had hiscurtain rail swung at our heads, after he has ripped it off the wall, (unfortunately the rooms isnt big emough for single beds so have bunks) he also destroys his brothers things as they share a room. We have left him in there for a couple of hours then heard screaming after half an hours silence and it turns out hemad managed to break his elbow (it would be my son that breaks the hardest bone in his body!)

We have tried giving him his own room, but that involved putting our six  year daughter in with our ten year old son....it just didnt work, and we don't have anywhere we could convert into a fourth bedroom :(.

Any ideas?

Thanks

no1sweetsuzy said:

yesterday he spent 3 hours in his bedroom in complete isolation

That could well be your answer.

We, on the spectrum, like solitude, and our own space.

Leave us by our selves, somewhere where we're comfortable, and where we can control our environment, and we have no problems, and thus no meltdowns.

Hi

No1sweetsuzy

I understand what you are saying completely, it's hard when you have to shut ur child in their room, and at the moment it's the only thing we are abhurt do for the safety of the whole household.

You did feel li,e the worst parent and it hurts a lot to feel like you have to isolate your child from their siblings.

I hope you have success getting a diagnosis, as I said, it took me tem years and I wouldn't wish that on anyone.  I neaRly gave up trying last year when the ed. psychologist basically told me iChat my son is the way he is because I suffered postnatal psychosis after having him!

All I can say to you is you know your own child so don't let anyone fob you off.

If you Would like to chat pm me.

Let me know how it goes.

Kim x

Hi,

I feel your pain I have had 4 days of hell with my aspergers son, he is 4 (nearly 5) and we are going through the diagnosis process.  He has become so violent he is smacking me and my husband and hurting his 2 year old sister and I just don't know what to do, yesterday he spent 3 hours in his bedroom in complete isolation and I've just had to put him up there again :( I feel like the shittest mum who can't control her own child.

I've been trying to analyse triggers but there doesn't seem to be any and I can't believe how long these meltdowns are lasting :(