Published on 12, July, 2020
we’ve been married for 10 years and have 2 children. He’s recently decided that he should have never “inflicted” himself on anyone! His analogy is I’m the granite and he’s dripping water. I started strong but over time the drip drip drip is eroding me, which does have some truth. Is there anybody on here who’s in a good long term relationship with some advice as the evidence seems to point to eventual separation - which I really don’t want and I don’t think he does either!
I think there are people on here in good, long-term relationships, and hopefully you'll get some input.
All I can say, as an Aspie myself (though only diagnosed 3 years ago, aged 56) is that I feel rather like your husband. I've had one marriage (of 5 years) and just one other cohabitation relationship, which only lasted 18 months and coincided with my diagnosis time. In both cases, I can be totally honest and say that I know these women suffered greatly because of me. My ex-wife thought, by year 3, that I had simply ceased to love her. This wasn't true. But I could no longer even touch her, or tell her I loved her. I became emotionally shut off from her. It was a terrible time for both of us because I simply couldn't understand what was wrong with me. The truth was - I felt out of place. The whole thing felt wrong. Up until our marriage, when I was 40, I'd lived alone and preferred it that way. I hadn't even had a relationship for almost 10 years. I was absorbed in my own life and interests, and was happy that way. But then, as we all do, I met someone and fell in love. The love did actually last, and it took me a long time to get over our eventual divorce. But as soon as I was alone again, I felt.... right again. Pretty much the same thing happened with that shorter relationship - except that we were thrown together more by necessity than choice. It was difficult from the off, with both of us needed 'space' in my small flat, and each of us having a different approach to things. It could have happened in any other relationship, really - but much of my behaviour (constant moods, constant rowing, drinking more and more to cope) was in response to hers, and she triggered me in so many ways.
I know what you mean about that 'drip-drip-drip'. I really feel for you in that situation because I know - being as objective as I can - how horrible it can be. I'm certainly resolved now to a life alone. I know how difficult I am to live with, and I certainly wouldn't want to inflict myself on anyone else.
As I said, I hope you can get some insight from others. I just thought I'd give you my own perspective from the other side.
Best regards,
Tom
Thanks Tom