Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi, I'm sorry if this has been covered before, I am new on here and desperate. I have been trying to contact the helpline but it is so busy.
My son is 13 and was diagnosed with Aspergers when he was about 9. Most of the time he manages really well, he does very well at school and has a few friends, however he has always had a problem with house rules and acceptance of the fact that, as parents, we do have to say what needs to be done and when, and that there will be sanctions for bad behaviour. Now we are entering the teenage years he is becoming more aggressive, threatening and violent and to be honest it is tearing our family apart. The only things he cares about are his iPad and xBox. All he talks about is computer games. We have set screen time limits and parental controls to protect both our children, and whilst we understand that our son needs his screen time to calm down, he cannot do this every waking moment. When our son is violent, refuses to cooperate and makes life unpleasant for everyone he needs some sanctions to learn that this is not acceptable behaviour. The only sanction that means anything to him is reduction of screen time or bans from use of the Wi-Fi. We have discussed other sanctions and asked our son to suggest something else, but he refuses and states that any sanction is unreasonable. He wants complete control and says that no-one has the right to control him or tell him what to do. All we get back from him is the sanctions thrown back at us, with him saying he will confiscate our devices, or trash them and any bans he has apply to us too. He has threatened extreme violence and says that he will get worse and worse until we back down and remove the screen limits and see his point of view that we are causing the arguments so if we want a quiet life we have to do what he says. Obviously we can't have a 13 year old set the rules like this and control everyone but I just don't know where to go. His ASC makes him inflexible and he cannot see the effect it is having on us and our 11 year old daughter, who is terrified of his behaviour.
We have written down the screen limits, 1.5 hours a day on the xbox along with a bulletpoint explanation of why we set screen time and monitor internet access. We have written down that good behaviour will be rewarded with more screen time and bad behaviour will invoke sanctions of screen time reduction. We have specified what is meant by good behaviour (positive attitude, completion of homework and household tasks as expected and being cooperative, friendly and helpful) and bad behaviour (negative attitude, refusal to do tasks, violent, aggressive, threatening behaviour). The list is ripped up, refused and thrown back at us with more threats. He stormed to school today threatening and cursing me. He is very eloquent and his abuse is relentless. It is causing a lot of stress to us all.
Has anyone else experienced this and found a solution that works for their family? Many thanks.
Hi MJ, I realise this thread was started 4 years ago but I have a nearly 16 year old son who is very high functioning and you basically could have been writing about him! I was just wondering if things have improved over the last 4 years? I sometimes find myself in despair of what to do with the aggressive verbally abusive behaviour. It is clearly linked to severe anxiety but like your son back then his behaviour is impeccable at school and we have bore the brunt at home. I totally empathise with you as we try so hard to accommodate his needs but sometimes it feels the harder we try the worse it is. Anyway, I could write for days (!) but just wanted to know if things got easier and if you found any strategies that worked long term? I appreciate this is an old thread but if you do happen to look here would love to hear from you. Many thanks
Hi there, this was a timely blast from the past! I've just been trying to get back into my account to reply to you. I'm sorry you are going through this. I would say that overall, things have improved. The episodes have become less frequent and he has, to an extent, learnt to control his aggression. Having said that, we are currently in a period of verbal abuse and arguments again. It is certainly linked to anxiety and when the pressure builds up at college - deadlines and decisions are the main causes of anxiety for us - the aggression picks up at home. Certainly at the moment I don't feel I can do anything right so I don't know what advice to offer I'm afraid! Giving him more independence and ownership made things easier, and in lockdown he thrived. I don't know if you have other children, but a huge heartache for us has been the emotional effect of all the trauma on our daughter. It's hard enough being a teenager without the added angst at home.
I would say, if you can, take a step back and give him time to calm down. My mistake was getting too involved in the arguments which escalated the whole situation. When it has diffused, be there and show you understand. Hopefully he will then be able to talk about the anxieties causing the behaviour. I really do feel for you and hope things get easier for you all soon.