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i can't even look at my son :(

SarahR

hi all

 

i haven't been here for a while, and have been coping in general with the day to day family life. but it's all gone wrong and i don't really know what to do next to fix it...

on monday, i was trying to have a joke with my 12 year old, who has been disgnosed with HFA/ possibly to be changed to aspergers. i can joke with him sometimes, and he gets it and goes along with it, but i clearly mis-read the signals on Monday. he just jumped up - flew at me calling me a b**** and did his usual 'flight'. i went after him and got him to sit and calm down after some tears and more declarations of ' i hate you and don't want to be near you'. i asked him what that was all about, and he just went off on one about hating me, i nag him and annoy him (before school, after school and at the weekedns were his words) all the time.

we spoke and explained that he wasn't to swear at me like that, and apologised that i upset him and i didn't mean to. it was afterwards that i fell apart in tears.....i don't know what to do, i'm scared of asking him to do anything incase i'm nagging', i don't want to make conversation because i feel he doesn't want me to, so i'm feeling so lost. i daren't even look at him in case it annoys him

i would really love some advice - i know a lot of the behaviour is 'normal' for a child his age, but i can't discipline him in the way i would if he didnt have ASD. i tried explaining that the things he said are hurtful, but he just shrugged. then an hour later told me he was going to meet a friend the next day, as if nothing had happened.

i'm just baffled as to what to do next :(

 

 

  • Hi sarah, I know how you feel! My daughter tells me she hates me several time each day, however when she is distress it's me who she will often turn too. She gets more frustrated than most of her peers and I'm someone 'safe' to vent off to, in a way it's my job but it isn't nice to be on the receiving end. When my friends complain that their children shout at them occasionally I have to smile to myself, if only they knew. My daughter needs some space when she gets home from school and I have learn't, the hard way, not to bombard her with questions about her day. It's not always easy but she's the most interesting person to be around! Keep telling him you love him, and try not to take things too personally. Hope that helps, take care.

  • Hi SarahR

    I have a son who is diagosed with Aspergers and I have experienced similar situations to you.

    J used to come in go into his room stay there for a while and come down and melt down at the slightest thing said.

    I found that spending time in his room when he gets in from school helps loads at first he was angainst this but I just there for a short time and after a while he began to talk about some issues of his day.

    It amazed me how much of a toll school takes on j he faces lots of sound, sight and other sensory issues and of course changes in the routine.

    We also now spend a few minutes before bedtime talking about the next day.

    We still have melt downs but nowhere near as many as before.

    I think as parents it is important to remember that events that we think nothing of can cause distress.

    Hope things are ok with you 

  • thank you so much for your calm and sensible reply - i've tied myself in knots the last few days!!

    he has mentioned being a bit teased at school. whenever it happens i inform the school and he tells me it's better then....i also advise him to ignore them as best he can, and to go to the learning support centre if he needs to (only people with a pass can go there). as you can imagine he's reluctant to go there as he desperately wants to be 'normal' and fit in with his peers.

    one lovely thing happened when he came home with his dad tonight. my husband obviously had a word with him and my youngest (who's a handfull anyway!)...they came home with flowers and chocolates. i got a wooden 'sorry mum' and a hug - but it was soooo nice for him to put his arms around me, even though he wasn't loving it :)

    maybe it'll be better when he's back at school next week - good old routine (fingers crossed!)

    thanks again for your reply

     

  • Hi SarahR

    Does he bottle it up at school and show his frustration more at home, or do you know much about what actually happens to him at school - bullying in particular?

    Its just the explosion sounds like the pressure has been building up during the day - meltdown may be due to cumulative frustration rather than anything specific.

    Would it be worth exploring the idea of some quiet solice time after school where he can get absorbed in his comfort zone?  Even so you may need a way of helping him find resolution - as you say its partly normal behaviour for any boy of that age but exacerbated by autistic spectrum issues.

    It might mean you need to check if he is being bullied or harassed or unduly pressured at school. This may be out of sight of supervision. He may be reluctant to discuss it, but he may be under pressure during the daytime.

    Hope it works out