Published on 12, July, 2020
This is my first post so please bear with me.
My daughter is 11 and was diagnosed as being on the autistic spectrum just over a year ago. She started senior school in September but is really struggling with friendships and is consequently being bullied, mostly on the bus home. I’d like any advice on helping her make and maintain friendships.
Also, with hormones raging she is so up and down I’m struggling to handle some of her outbursts. She has taken to throwing stuff round in her room although she seems to be being careful not to actually break anything. I mostly sit outside her door in tears until it’s over but wish I could help her express her emotions without getting in such a state.
Any my help/advice from those who have been where I am would be appreciated. Thanks x
I have no experience in dealing with bullying issues I'm afraid, nor do I have any idea how my children have made and maintained their friendships - it isn't an area I ever mastered myself! Hopefully others will be along shortly to offer advice on these things.
Hormonal young girls, now THAT is something I have a lot of experience of (3 daughters).
The fact that your daughter is careful to confine her outbursts to her own room and possessions, and the fact that she appears able to control these outbursts to some extent in that she hasn't broken any of her belongings, seems to indicate that she does have some control over them at the moment. This is good! Healthy, I would say.
It would indicate that she feels overwhelmed (with stress, frustration, perhaps both?) and more importantly that she herself recognises this. More than recognising it, your daughter seems to have worked out that releasing some of that tension makes her feel better - Smart Girl!! Even smarter (considering her age) is that she is showing a LOT of maturity in controlling where, when, and how she is releasing that build-up of tension. This is a whole lot healthier for her than storing it all up inside.
It might be helpful to talk to her about that, about how well she's been dealing with it so far and why these are healthy strategies as opposed to bottling things up inside.
Tell her too perhaps about times you have felt the same way and the things (good and not so good) you have done to deal with it in your lifetime. Seeing / hearing that others feel stress and frustration too will no doubt come as a relief for her to hear, that she's not alone in feeling like this.
Perhaps offer her some more ways (other than talking about it together, which may be helpful in itself). During some particularly difficult times at school (exam stress) my daughter and I walked to the beach together (during winter when it was deserted) and we took turns SCREAMING to release some tension. I started by telling her "This is how I feel about ...." SCREAM!!! "Now let me hear how you feel about ..." scream "Is that it? That doesn't sound too bad, try again and let me hear how you REALLY feel about it." SCREAM!!!!!! and so on and so on until we both actually did start to feel a bit better. (Take water for sore throats after it!)
It doesn't change the situation, any more than throwing things about her room does, but it DOES help to release tension a LOT!
Other things we tried were blowing up entire packs of balloons and jumping on them to burst them, doing the same to several cardboard boxes and tearing them up with our hands, ripping up whole newspapers each, having water fights ... anything physical and safely destructive is actually quite cathartic!! It can be fun too, much more fun than keeping these destructive feelings bottled up inside where they're liable to explode in a less controlled way eventually.
I've heard other parents on here talking about getting their child a punch-bag and equally useful might be clubs or sports that she can expel some of that energy into.
Thank you for this advice, it’s nice hearing from a parent who has experience with girls of this age.
My daughter seems to get angry very quickly and often cannot remember how she got so angry in the first place. I did suggest the running/screaming/exercise thing but she didn’t seem keen. After the event had happened she almost moved on in the blink of an eye like nothing has happened
I’d like to find an activity she enjoys and can be part of a team but she doesn’t seem to enjoy anything enough. She demands lots of attention so it has to be a small group activity but we haven’t found it yet.
I wouldn't necessarily focus on the team aspect, that would put me off anyway, but definitely something where she can work out her energy and use it up / express it in a safe direction. To that end, anything would be a start including cycling, swimming and other things that she is able to enjoy alone without the added social stress.
Classes, perhaps even some you can enjoy together, where she is with other people but not necessarily involving teamwork might be something she would enjoy more. Boxercise, Kickboxing, something like that?
She may not seem keen on some suggestions such as the "running/screaming/exercise" because, and I do NOT mean this as any kind of criticism, but she has seen how upset it made you when she let loose and threw things around her room. Perhaps if you do them, show her a controlled release like that by example, then it may let her see that you're on board with it and it's nothing to be embarrassed about? You and I wouldn't just let loose and scream no matter how upset we were, but given 'permission' (for want of a better word) and a safe space to do it in, it can be cathartic. My daughter gave little kitten screams at first but once I'd done a few 'crazy-lady' ones, she got on board with it. (After she'd made sure there were no other people around for miles!)
Longer term, I do agree with one of the other posts on here that recommended talking strategies. There is a section somewhere on this website about teenagers with ASD, have you found it?
I agree with Endymion about the team aspect. Team games like netball scare the hell out of me. However, there are lots of teams you can get involved in where you're able to be around people but also on your own. I am part of a running club, I speak to others at the start but I run at a different pace so spend most of the session running on my own. I also used to be a member of a sociable cycling club. I went with an existing friend and we spent most of the time talking to each other but I did speak to other people at the cafe stop. They used to invite me to the Christmas party etc, which helped with my sense of belonging. I joined the club through attending organised rides via this website - https://www.letsride.co.uk/social
It depends on how your daughter is but I struggle with being told what to do and would need to come to the decision myself. It would have helped if my mum had presented me with a number of option, given me the option to add my own ideas and then I made the final choice.