Published on 12, July, 2020
This is my first post so please bear with me.
My daughter is 11 and was diagnosed as being on the autistic spectrum just over a year ago. She started senior school in September but is really struggling with friendships and is consequently being bullied, mostly on the bus home. I’d like any advice on helping her make and maintain friendships.
Also, with hormones raging she is so up and down I’m struggling to handle some of her outbursts. She has taken to throwing stuff round in her room although she seems to be being careful not to actually break anything. I mostly sit outside her door in tears until it’s over but wish I could help her express her emotions without getting in such a state.
Any my help/advice from those who have been where I am would be appreciated. Thanks x
I have no experience in dealing with bullying issues I'm afraid, nor do I have any idea how my children have made and maintained their friendships - it isn't an area I ever mastered myself! Hopefully others will be along shortly to offer advice on these things.
Hormonal young girls, now THAT is something I have a lot of experience of (3 daughters).
The fact that your daughter is careful to confine her outbursts to her own room and possessions, and the fact that she appears able to control these outbursts to some extent in that she hasn't broken any of her belongings, seems to indicate that she does have some control over them at the moment. This is good! Healthy, I would say.
It would indicate that she feels overwhelmed (with stress, frustration, perhaps both?) and more importantly that she herself recognises this. More than recognising it, your daughter seems to have worked out that releasing some of that tension makes her feel better - Smart Girl!! Even smarter (considering her age) is that she is showing a LOT of maturity in controlling where, when, and how she is releasing that build-up of tension. This is a whole lot healthier for her than storing it all up inside.
It might be helpful to talk to her about that, about how well she's been dealing with it so far and why these are healthy strategies as opposed to bottling things up inside.
Tell her too perhaps about times you have felt the same way and the things (good and not so good) you have done to deal with it in your lifetime. Seeing / hearing that others feel stress and frustration too will no doubt come as a relief for her to hear, that she's not alone in feeling like this.
Perhaps offer her some more ways (other than talking about it together, which may be helpful in itself). During some particularly difficult times at school (exam stress) my daughter and I walked to the beach together (during winter when it was deserted) and we took turns SCREAMING to release some tension. I started by telling her "This is how I feel about ...." SCREAM!!! "Now let me hear how you feel about ..." scream "Is that it? That doesn't sound too bad, try again and let me hear how you REALLY feel about it." SCREAM!!!!!! and so on and so on until we both actually did start to feel a bit better. (Take water for sore throats after it!)
It doesn't change the situation, any more than throwing things about her room does, but it DOES help to release tension a LOT!
Other things we tried were blowing up entire packs of balloons and jumping on them to burst them, doing the same to several cardboard boxes and tearing them up with our hands, ripping up whole newspapers each, having water fights ... anything physical and safely destructive is actually quite cathartic!! It can be fun too, much more fun than keeping these destructive feelings bottled up inside where they're liable to explode in a less controlled way eventually.
I've heard other parents on here talking about getting their child a punch-bag and equally useful might be clubs or sports that she can expel some of that energy into.
I agree with your concerns about the outbursts. Although they're helping your daughter in the short term it isn't a sustainable way for her to manage her emotions and it would be wise to help her develop strategies she can maintain throughout her life. I agree with the suggestion about excercise. I was going to suggest attending a trampolining park but a punch bag sounds like a good idea, A colleague of mine recently attended a two days course designed at helping her find ways to help her ASD's sons manage his anger. Have you contacted your local council and autism support groups to see if there's anything similar in your area?
Luckily I never struggled with friendships at school but as an ASD women I found some people didn't take to me at work as I didn't understand that most people fake an interest in their colleagues even when they don't care. From their interactions, I learned that when I did want to make friends with someone the easiest way was to take an interest in the person and to ask them questions about their own lives. When I attend conferences at work I make a list of questions I can ask people and write down what I could say about myself if they ask the same question of me. Having prepared answers reduces my anxiety,