Independent Schooling

Hi, my 12 year old, Year 8 son, a recently diagnosed Aspie, doesn't, and never has, wanted to go to school. All through primary years I was told he was fine once I had gone and that it was behavioural problems. We sought assessment through CAMHS and after five years got the diagnosis last October. He is at an independent school, who do not have any other ASD pupils (?). Had we had an earlier diagnosis we probably wouldn't have sent him to this school, however, he is there (well, sometimes).

My point at the moment is, I'm worn out, depressed, sad, feel totally useless to the rest of the family, have no life of my own, and feel of very little use to anyone, let alone him.

Everyone said once we knew then there would be lots of support and help and it would all get easier, but I don't see it. My hubby and I are on the Autism Parent Training course at the mo, run by the IDS and maybe this has had a huge dawning effect of me, "he's not like the children of the other parents on the course", but he is!. I don't know any other aspies, I just still feel really alone.

The lady from IDS on the course has said she would come and visit us and maybe talk about going into school (which they shouldn't really do because Independents don't buy into the County IDS service) I'm so frustrated! We pay our taxes and NI and yet everything has to be so "cloak and dagger". School say they are willing to help but ask me what I want them to do, and I really don't know, I thought they were the professionals Son is very bright, not easily motivated, but can achieve A and B grades without being there half the time, so he doesn't need extra tuition. He's always been very good in school, the model student, all the teachers love him, wish they saw more of him. The problem is when he gets up in the morning, I don't know whether he's willing to go or not. I'm done with the physical fight to get him there, I don't have the energy to go through all that again, and probably couldn't anyway as he is as big as me now!

Feel like I've waffled, but had a bad day!

P.S. I really don't want him to change schools, it might just carry on, and better the devil you know!

Bye for now.

Parents

Frankie99 over 14 years ago

Hi Annie
I think the key change the school made was to stop trying to normalise Toby. Their aim was that by the time he leaves the school, he would appear the same as all other children. This placed even more pressure on him and increased his anxiety to an unbearable level leading to some real problems. Once they realised we were very open about him being seen as different they were able to try lots of different strategies. It's hard to say which in particular worked but it was basic stuff like finding him a room he could always escape to to calm down and cool off. The school identified several possible rooms but he didn't use any as each, for him, had an issue (eg dark corridor). The school then allowed Toby himself to choose a space and that has worked.
By allowing him to be treated differently we were able to pick off the issues. For example he loathed cross country and had been refusing to go to school on those days. We agreed with the head that Toby could be taken out of school for the afternoons when cross country was on. Ironically, once the pressure was off for him he was more keen to do it and has done more cross country since being excused than before. Toby's teachers have also been key - they now "get" him eg the other week he wanted to sit under the table in art for the whole lesson. His teacher was fine about it and the other children passed him the materials he needed and he did his work under the table. Previously the approach would have been to try to force him to sit on his chair.
It was only when the school faced issues themselves that they took the situation on board. For several years he was fine at school and we suffered the consequences at home and it was then very hard to get the school to understand there was a problem. Social services were a great help in this respect as they experienced the difficulties at home (missiles thrown at them etc) and the school then had to accept that we weren't pushy, hopeless or neurotic parents.
It's impossible to know whether an independent school is the right thing or not - neither of us will ever know because we can't know what the outcome would be for the alternative at a point in time. But small class sizes and more rigid routine that independent schools provide can be a real benefit. If your son is being forced to pretend he is someone he isn't then that will create enormous stress and some sort of change is needed. A single point of contact at the school is also really important so that one person has a detailed picture. Even better if that person is also the one who he can go to when he faces difficulties and who talks to him when problems arise.
I hope this is helpful.
Frankie

Reply

Frankie99 over 14 years ago

Hi Annie
I think the key change the school made was to stop trying to normalise Toby. Their aim was that by the time he leaves the school, he would appear the same as all other children. This placed even more pressure on him and increased his anxiety to an unbearable level leading to some real problems. Once they realised we were very open about him being seen as different they were able to try lots of different strategies. It's hard to say which in particular worked but it was basic stuff like finding him a room he could always escape to to calm down and cool off. The school identified several possible rooms but he didn't use any as each, for him, had an issue (eg dark corridor). The school then allowed Toby himself to choose a space and that has worked.
By allowing him to be treated differently we were able to pick off the issues. For example he loathed cross country and had been refusing to go to school on those days. We agreed with the head that Toby could be taken out of school for the afternoons when cross country was on. Ironically, once the pressure was off for him he was more keen to do it and has done more cross country since being excused than before. Toby's teachers have also been key - they now "get" him eg the other week he wanted to sit under the table in art for the whole lesson. His teacher was fine about it and the other children passed him the materials he needed and he did his work under the table. Previously the approach would have been to try to force him to sit on his chair.
It was only when the school faced issues themselves that they took the situation on board. For several years he was fine at school and we suffered the consequences at home and it was then very hard to get the school to understand there was a problem. Social services were a great help in this respect as they experienced the difficulties at home (missiles thrown at them etc) and the school then had to accept that we weren't pushy, hopeless or neurotic parents.
It's impossible to know whether an independent school is the right thing or not - neither of us will ever know because we can't know what the outcome would be for the alternative at a point in time. But small class sizes and more rigid routine that independent schools provide can be a real benefit. If your son is being forced to pretend he is someone he isn't then that will create enormous stress and some sort of change is needed. A single point of contact at the school is also really important so that one person has a detailed picture. Even better if that person is also the one who he can go to when he faces difficulties and who talks to him when problems arise.
I hope this is helpful.
Frankie

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