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Independent Schooling

Annie Oakley

Hi, my 12 year old, Year 8 son, a recently diagnosed Aspie, doesn't, and never has, wanted to go to school.  All through primary years I was told he was fine once I had gone and that it was behavioural problems.  We sought assessment through CAMHS and after five years got the diagnosis last October.  He is at an independent school, who do not have any other ASD pupils (?).  Had we had an earlier diagnosis we probably wouldn't have sent him to this school, however, he is there (well, sometimes).

My point at the moment is, I'm worn out, depressed, sad, feel totally useless to the rest of the family, have no life of my own, and feel of very little use to anyone, let alone him.

Everyone said once we knew then there would be lots of support and help and it would all get easier, but I don't see it.  My hubby and I are on the Autism Parent Training course at the mo, run by the IDS and maybe this has had a huge dawning effect of me, "he's not like the children of the other parents on the course", but he is!.  I don't know any other aspies, I just still feel really alone.

The lady from IDS on the course has said she would come and visit us and maybe talk about going into school (which they shouldn't really do because Independents don't buy into the County IDS service) I'm so frustrated!  We pay our taxes and NI and yet everything has to be so "cloak and dagger".  School say they are willing to help but ask me what I want them to do, and I really don't know, I thought they were the professionals  Son is very bright, not easily motivated, but can achieve A and B grades without being there half the time, so he doesn't need extra tuition.  He's always been very good in school, the model student, all the teachers love him, wish they saw more of him.  The problem is when he gets up in the morning, I don't know whether he's willing to go or not.  I'm done with the physical fight to get him there, I don't have the energy to go through all that again, and probably couldn't anyway as he is as big as me now!

Feel like I've waffled, but had a bad day!

P.S.  I really don't want him to change schools, it might just carry on, and better the devil you know!

Bye for now.

 

 

  • Hi. My 14 year old daughter has been in independent sector since she was 5, well before we got a diagnosis of ASD for her. It's not perfect, we have had our battles and lived in fear of her being asked to leave but as a secondary teacher myself, I know that a large state secondary school, even with a strong SEN dept, would not have worked for her. She is now in yr 9 and we have had long discussions with the school about an appropriate route for her. They are a small school and so cannot offer all the options I would like, but we do feel that they are prepared to listen to our concerns and the SENCO is excellent. In my view, there is no perfect school for our children, but we have done our best to find the best way.

  • Annie Oakley said:

    Hi everyone,

    Sorry, I replied to Ming yesterday but can't find it now!

    Okay the IDS stands for Integration Disability Service and is run by your local government/county council.  Their telephone number should be in the 'phone book.  We are currently attending an APT - Autism Parent Training course, run in the evenings, once a week for six weeks.  The course is run by Specialist Teachers with Social Workers present.  I believe their aim is to keep disabled children within the education system and to work with them in and with school to iron out problems.  The course is very informative and is giving us advice and information on all aspects of Autism.  Its good to have so many experts in the same room. The Social Worker helps with issues at home.  We have just enlisted their help getting our boy back to school and a small ray of light is beginning to appear!

    Hope this helps!

    Annie

     

    Thanks Annie, I will go and check out our Local Authority website to see if they do any similar training courses.

  • Hi everyone,

    Sorry, I replied to Ming yesterday but can't find it now!

    Okay the IDS stands for Integration Disability Service and is run by your local government/county council.  Their telephone number should be in the 'phone book.  We are currently attending an APT - Autism Parent Training course, run in the evenings, once a week for six weeks.  The course is run by Specialist Teachers with Social Workers present.  I believe their aim is to keep disabled children within the education system and to work with them in and with school to iron out problems.  The course is very informative and is giving us advice and information on all aspects of Autism.  Its good to have so many experts in the same room. The Social Worker helps with issues at home.  We have just enlisted their help getting our boy back to school and a small ray of light is beginning to appear!

    Hope this helps!

    Annie

  • Alex - mod said:

    Hello Ming.  I'm afraid I haven't heard of IDS either; perhaps Annie may be able to tell us more about it.

    You might want to start a separate thread about parents' training courses, as more members may see your question and possibly respond to it.

    Perhaps its a local thing but I will start a new thread just in case anyone else knows what it is.

    Thanks

  • Hello Ming.  I'm afraid I haven't heard of IDS either; perhaps Annie may be able to tell us more about it.

    You might want to start a separate thread about parents' training courses, as more members may see your question and possibly respond to it. :)

  • Sorry don't want to sound ignorant but how do I find out about Autism Parent Training and what is IDS?  Thanks

  • Hi Annie

    I think the key change the school made was to stop trying to normalise Toby. Their aim was that by the time he leaves the school, he would appear the same as all other children. This placed even more pressure on him and increased his anxiety to an unbearable level leading to some real problems. Once they realised we were very open about him being seen as different they were able to try lots of different strategies. It's hard to say which in particular worked but it was basic stuff like finding him a room he could always escape to to calm down and cool off. The school identified several possible rooms but he didn't use any as each, for him, had an issue (eg dark corridor). The school then allowed Toby himself to choose a space and that has worked.

    By allowing him to be treated differently we were able to pick off the issues. For example he loathed cross country and had been refusing to go to school on those days. We agreed with the head that Toby could be taken out of school for the afternoons when cross country was on. Ironically, once the pressure was off for him he was more keen to do it and has done more cross country since being excused than before. Toby's teachers have also been key - they now "get" him eg the other week he wanted to sit under the table in art for the whole lesson. His teacher was fine about it and the other children passed him the materials he needed and he did his work under the table. Previously the approach would have been to try to force him to sit on his chair.

    It was only when the school faced issues themselves that they took the situation on board. For several years he was fine at school and we suffered the consequences at home and it was then very hard to get the school to understand there was a problem. Social services were a great help in this respect as they experienced the difficulties at home (missiles thrown at them etc) and the school then had to accept that we weren't pushy, hopeless or neurotic parents.

    It's impossible to know whether an independent school is the right thing or not - neither of us will ever know because we can't know what the outcome would be for the alternative at a point in time. But small class sizes and more rigid routine that independent schools provide can be a real benefit. If your son is being forced to pretend he is someone he isn't then that will create enormous stress and some sort of change is needed. A single point of contact at the school is also really important so that one person has a detailed picture. Even better if that person is also the one who he can go to when he faces difficulties and who talks to him when problems arise.

    I hope this is helpful.

    Frankie

     

     

  • Hi Frankie,

    So nice to know someone made the same decision for the same reason.  I was worried no-one would reply!  A move to the local State school just seems madness, twice as many children, much larger class sizes etc.

    As you say, Independent Schools need to redress this balance, there are statistically more ASD children and the numbers are increasing.  It would be in the schools interest to support these children, as you say.

    I hadn't even thought about contacting Social Services, will look into it. 

    What sort of things have your school put into place for your son?  I'm at a loss to know what changes can be made to help.

    Thanks again,

    Annie

  • Annie, reading this makes me feel so sad because as parents of a 9 year old with Aspergers who is at an independent school we have been through all that you talk about (refusal to go to school, county autism team refusing to help, considering whether to confront the nightmare situation of moving to another school which can get the support etc). And the feelings of being abandoned and left on your own to deal with it. In our case we chose an independent school in the first place because we knew our son, undiagnosed at that stage, could not cope with large class sizes. Once the problems started with school we felt completely abandoned by "the system".

    Last year things reached such a difficult point with the school that we gave notice and applied for a place in a state school. In the end, his school persuaded us that they did want to keep him and that they would make the necessary adjustments to make the situation tolerable for our son, us and the school. They have stuck to their word on this. It's still not perfect as, while the school want to do the right thing, they don't always know what that is. But they are trying.

    The advice I would give you is to keep talking to the school. The school need to understand about the condition - and on the positive side, a teacher spoke to me today to say that this particular independent school is seeing more and more cases of autism/aspergers so it is in the school's interest to take this on board so they can support other children in the future. Encourage them to see that time spent understanding your child is an investment for their future. Small changes at school can make an enormous difference - equally some changes might not work at all but some things will help. Another avenue might be to try to gain funding from Social Services that could be used to buy in specialist support for the school. We are going down this route at the moment by using our budget for support at home to buy in expert help. Our "expert" has autism so knows what she is talking about. And one of the most positive statements she made to me was that she dreaded to think how my son would cope in a state school which came as a huge relief as I was blaming myself for the decision we took 5 years ago.

    Are Social Services providing you with enough support? If not, write to your MP. Unfortunately I've found that's the only way to get them to do something and it has worked. Not all the help has been of much use but some (eg our expert) has and having that extra support is vital so you don't feel alone.

    I do hope you get the support you and your son deserve.