Where do I start?

He is very lucky to have parents like you, willing to investigate.

If he is, there is hope for him after a diagnose. (but keep an open mind, the testing is very wide, IQ, Theory of Mind, ...)

I just had a discussion with my wife. I'm 45. I told her straight in her face that I see it in front of me that my brother in law (67) would have an affair with her (50). She told me very assertively that she feels very insulted. I apologized. I told her I so wish I could properly dismiss these thoughts. Five minutes later she came back in and we talked it through. The root cause why I said it is a very long story.

A year ago this would have taken two weeks to heal. For some couples, I assume (I can't be sure), it would lead to divorce... so you can guide him, advise fitting career choices, patience is important, but believe me, it seeps through when you explain something.   

MDC; What a good answer. Can you clarify for whom it may have taken years to heal? You or your wife? I'm wondering because despite understanding where some rather unvarnished things my own 62 yr old spouse with AS says come from - not intentional insults or diminishment - he doesn't respond at all like you did when I might say I'm hurt or insulted & simply won't talk. Instead he follows up with what I can only describe as verbal attack - sometimes straightforward, often passive-aggressive as in sulking, sideways comments about my character or a "martyr" routine. He can keep up the aftermath for days & days. It doesn't help anyone for me to simply remain mute all the time, which he seems to prefer. Any suggestions for me to help him talk over unintentional hurtful words with me & avoid the deliberately hurtful after math as you seem to have accomplished? He was diagnosed 8 years ago & while he says he understands & accepts the dx, refuses any counseling, reading, research or assistance at all. Have any suggestions for helping him hear rather than lashing out?

My wife, of course. It must hurt her so much. I'm sabotaging friendships, I'm trying to have her all for myself.

Hello there, I just reread the things I wrote here yesterday night. It's nice to know it's all out there for people to read. I'm happy it still makes sense when I read it now. None of it seems totally new (as I kind of feared when I felt the keyboard rattle along). We went for a visit to three possible places for my mom. The first one is where that man Jean lives... aura is a bit like a warm coat, second one is where my niece wants her to be. I saw a hospital corridor with rather large and comfortable appartments. All nice and dandy. I uttered the words 'I think my wife (she was also there) could make this very cosy with some IKEA furniture... My niece made that odd handgesture, kind of waving that off the table, no, don't exaggerate (my mom not worth a bit of exaggeration? ok ...) We'll move some of her old furniture in here, you'll see, she'll feel right at home. I'm not sure, the furniture intended is from my grandmother, father's side... their leftovers... I don't want to look at that stuff. But that's subjective... The third one is rather posh...  She would share a flat with a woman that announced herself with the phrase: 'she can sit there if she doesn't pee on it...' I loved that', so not that one...

I went to the house I grew up in today. I noticed I have no emotional attachment anymore. My mom's house is so sad, always was. I felt like in that joke with the burglar that leaves a 50 Euro banknote on the table and a note 'buy yourself something tasteful for when I come around next time'...

My own house feels like the warm embrace of my good natured wife when you enter. I'm happy.

I noticed also I also have an input in taste of decorations in our home. That makes me even happier.

The worst for me is my interactions with my brother in law. He met my oldest sister in a mental institution. Now I know he's poison to my mind, but I still find it very hard to dismiss him. He did something that triggered a reaction from my niece (NT): what a ***... , and set me (autist) off on a suicidal mental rollercoaster. He's an alcoholic, but sober for lots of years... Everybody's an alcoholic now for him. I had the following interactions with him. He came to see my house before I bought it, but failed to see that it had moisture-problems. Since I trusted him, he enjoyed the pedestal I put him on... When he put a wooded floor in the living room, he insisted on doing it 'perfect', so I had to go and buy some more boxes with planks and finish it myself... I don't think he sees where my property begins and his ends... He thinks we're going to show off the perfect floor and tell everybody all the time he made it ? I showed I was annoyed. That's the last time he worked in my house. He also yelled in frustration at my mom. That really hurt my feelings. Then I had a period of four years when I was working in my mom's garden. I was admittedly doing a clumsy job at planting potatoes. (The patented ASD-way)... I actually dug a hole for each potato... He came to look. We didn't have much interaction anymore, but now he had some interest... He started laughing and explaining I did it wrong... I continued and my look said 'go away please, I'm busy'... He then took the tool out of my hands and showed it to me... I left him at it... muttering at my older sister that he was a real bully about this... How would he feel if I would take the laptop out of his hands while I was observing him doing something weird... Eventually I did it how he suggested and told him, that I was upset, but I still learned from him... Not so long ago he found a cellphone and succesfully broke into it... I told him he could now ring a number and then find out easily who owned it so the poor guy could retrieve it. I can already imagine how happy I would be... He stole that cellphone... I even gave him tips on how he could adapt the simcard without anybody knowing it was a stolen cellphone... I became an accomplice? I wish I could just look at him with contempt and tell him I would not take part in his crime. In Japan he would be considered 'filth' by everybody... strangely my wife only found it 'shocking', but not alarming...

I tell you all this... and now on christmas, my mom had an epileptic seisure, and I was again entangled in a web of weirdness of my own fabrication. We immediately called the ambulance. Since I never told my mom that staying with us for her old day was not considered a good option for me. My children didn't want to give up a room (that hurts me) and my wife doesn't see it happen. The next day my brother in law shows up and offers to take her in. I'm dying inside while my wife considers this a good idea after first being annoyed who my mom is proclaiming to everybody that she's going to live with me... My mom accepted this. So she was going to stay with my brother in law... The next day she was really bad, talking gibberish. And he changed his mind. That was a blessing for me. I told my wife I would never allow him to change his mind back, and she agreed. I had a long thought and spent two hours listing out considerations. I had the list validated by my wife, I was afraid I would leave out some important bigger picture considerations. The plan would be to suggest to put her in a home. My mother never liked the idea, but going back to her old house is not really practical. She had a toilet in a room behind the garage, she first had it in the veranda, with a curtain around it... I told her that looked so stupid and people thought she had lost her mind. She's so poor at providing some comfortable living conditions for herself. I'm not much better, but she's so easily satisfied and gullible. Now it turns out she already knows some people in different homes around her house. Today (newyear) I called a home, told the  receptionist my mother wanted to talk to a man there named Jean... And that man, why to my surprise? immediately ran up the stairs to hand over the phone to said man... And I handed the phone to my mom, and I enjoyed hearing them chat. She's a lot better now, still a bit confused... She would prefer to go to the home where this man is... They seem nice enough (said example)... and she was once helped there when she found herself trapped in the underground garage. On the day when she was really bad I brought a penknife and some apples and I showed her I was now peeling her an apple as she had so often done for me... My brother in law was obviously uncomfortable. A nurse told me to be careful with the knife, to put it on the table against the wall... A bit later another nurse ran to me with the knife: 'that's not a good idea to leave a knife here in the room, sir'... I then found myself in a position where I carried a knife around in a hospital with confused patients... My brother in law looked really weird at me, a mix of amused and worried.... I asked yet another nurse to please take over the knife and put it in a safe place... I looked around and told people: I can imagine that looked weird, a guy with a knife... But the situation was so confusing to me. I felt my brother in law would love to take over ...  And I do think I have enough reasons why he should not take care of my mother. He's now acting very weird. He put 'dementia' on his facebook page... My wife also noticed... I even made a joke, he doesn't seem to know how to spell epileptic... He called me crazy in front of my mom. My niece told him to shut up.. she brought knitting equipment (4 needles) and if anybody would comment on them she (NT?) would surely shrug? Whose eyes will she poke out? I gave him a serious stare yesterday evening... Don't mess with me on this one... This is not a garden implement he would be taking out of my hands... But yesterday night and today I'm really in bad shape. I think I'm right to be worried, and I'm proud I'm communicating, so I don't go crazy, but it always gets so messy because I don't seem to determine properly my boundaries. Yesterday it also struck me, my older sister used to drink 5 liters of water (and pops) a day. She obviously had diabetes... but it was only diagnosed after she had a crisis. My wife noticed this. And signalled at least once. 

Hey, I think I see where the suicidal thoughts come from. Such an important decision, and I would have considered letting my mom in the custody of that man. But there are two things to be mild about. He's a petty person, but he never really hurt my mother, and he's there often... every sunday, more often than I. My wife was ok with it, that's the second thing.

Also my niece called me the next night to tell me it was a very bad idea to leave my mom with my older sister. I told her what I thought about her husband too. She now also thinks something is weird about him... control freak... he told my wife today he felt left out. She told him he really needs to consider that I love my mom and I'm much aware that I also have to consider other people. He also seems to think that I'm going to drop my mom in an expensive home, I have no consideration for practicality... This is nonsense, My house is paid for, I have more in the bank than our loan still going. Nothing about my financial situation and the state of my house screams 'autist'... It wasn't always easy.

I just see how much I scribbled already. Enjoy, I wish I could say: here are these sad and complicated memories, you can have them, I don't need them any more... 

I'm not considering quitting, just afraid of stupid things that might happen because of paranoid behaviour from my part. I know the best course of action is often to do nothing at all. If the other one means to harm you, it will be obvious from his actions, bad stuff where you look like the agressor happen when you start anticipating on things that could happen (but did not already). I seem to understand that other people could get caught in a web of stupid actions they took in such a way... 

My youngest sister has asked my mom to give her 15000 Euro, my mom gave her this amount. Here it may become weird, my mom asked my advise, I told her it was not a good idea. I kept droning at my mom: If you give her the money, she'll spend it and come for more... Weirdly she seems to be ok with her disability allowance, but her boyfriend is an alcoholic and squanders it. My mom seems to have believed me, but when my sister turned to my older brother, that one called my mother and told her to pay, which she did. I then told my mom that while doing this, she effectively disinherited the other children. My sister would later share again an equal part of the inheritence.

I'm now paranoid about her stealing money while my mom is in the hospital... But common sense tells me that if she manages to convince a local bank clerk to give her my mom's money, that bank clerk will need to give some good explanation... Tomorrow I'm taking real action to protect the accounts. I see myself as a bit of a mister Darcy in this situation. But that's foolish. That's just a cartoon figure of a person. My sister once took my mom's bank card and retrieved some money... So she knows her code. That bank card is now in my custody. I already called my younger sister and asked her if from that 15.000 she had some left, which would be handy to help pay for some bills... she said 'no', sheepishly. But why did I make it so snakishly complicated, manipulative... My niece is also informed (today). The moment I told her, she immediately (NT behaviour?) nodded, damn, that explains why you were behaving a bit weird. But she didn't jump to any conclusion on how I would be scheming to take money off my mother. As a kid, she and her brother visited in the weekend. I was very mean to them, They took love from my mother. I had no clue back then (I was 10 or 12) that that stuff (love) was endless and infinite in every direction and sense, and thus there was always going to be enough of it for me to go around. Remarkably that niece (NT behaviour) is now visiting us and we sometimes even babysit her kid (she's a mom but doesn't want a husband). 

Yes, we all have boxes for people & it's hard to let them out - for everybody involved. And no, there's a lot in both ASD & NT that is not exactly healthy. The point is to try to cope, make the effort for others (& oneself) & struggle for that open, learning mind. Seems like you're searching for ways to do all three MDC. No offense, but i have a spouse & two teenagers to feed now so I have to leave the conversation. Thank you for talking with me!

Yes, we all have boxes for people & it's hard to let them out - for everybody involved. And no, there's a lot in both ASD & NT that is not exactly healthy. The point is to try to cope, make the effort for others (& oneself) & struggle for that open, learning mind. Seems like you're searching for ways to do all three MDC. No offense, but i have a spouse & two teenagers to feed now so I have to leave the conversation. Thank you for talking with me!