When school get it wrong and parent and pupil power is nill

I sit here after a night of no sleep worrying about my son and how we will ever move forward with school.

My son is a bright, determined, unique thinking young man who has autism and finds the world very stressful. This leads to what I am sure you are all familair with. A fight or flight response to minor difficulties. Shouting, swearing, threatening to harm himself, running off, occasional pushing and shoving. But these behaviours do not define him. These behaviours are a symptom of his unmet needs. Of a world that refuses to recognise these needs and respond differently.

There are times when he is almost settled in school, or so they think. He manages to comply. Manages to hold it all in. We see when he gets home that it is not so simple. I am sure that is a story you are all familair with. We have moments in school. Of course there are times when it all gets too much. When he shouts or refuses to do what he is asked. When he is 'rude'. The school's response 'a red card'. he must learn these behaviours are unacceptable. of course he must but what are you putting in place to help him regulate? What are you doing to make the world less chaotic and confusing? To reduce his anxiety?

We had a meeting  weeks ago. The school wanted to refer him to CAMHS (Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services). He was threatening to harm himself. These instances typically occured when school repsonded to emotional distress withs sanctions and escalation rather than de-escalation. CAMHS turned it down. School had not done enough. School agreed to lots. I beleived them. I did not want to be a difficult parent going and checking.

So it is the week before Christmas. A tricky time indeed. Out goes the routine. Excitement and uncertainty is high. Anyone with an ounce of training in Autism would know this week is likely to be difficult. Monday. Red card for swearing (had been rude to a staff member and the staff member used sanctions rather than deescalation which led to escalation. Tuesday. Red Card. Swearing at a peer and an adult. At this point I could not hold it in any longer.  I asked what had been implemented since our meeting 8 weeks ago. The Headteacher was going to check. I asked about the NAS resources I had sent on deescalation. I asked about the check ins with the Mental Health Champion and about Circle of Freinds, about the emotional regulation input that had been agreed. The Headteacher was going to find out. Why did she not know? Why was this not being considered at the first red card? The only thing she could tell me that had been done was the teacher explaining to the class each day how the day would run. This is a boy they wanted to refer to CAMHS and this is their reasoable adjustment? This is their additional to and different from?!

I expressed concerns about the church service the next day. I asked if some support could be redirected. It was agreed that an adult would walk close to Phoenix. They did not agree anything else. I saw him walking to chruch. No adult nearby. I saw him in the Church, pulling on his neck and hair, speaking his part inaudibly. He was stressed. I could see it. i wished I had taken hm home right then. But he had another service and would not have wanted to go. he wants to fit in, to be liked.

Wednesday pm Exclusion. My son had allegedly 'launched a child into the road', 'endangered his life'. These were in fact the words used when they explained to the other parent. Told the other parent that if a car had been coming they would be ringing to report her son dead. What an emotive thing to say? And based on what? I am waiting to find out? I think it is based on the account of the adult who did walk behind him on the way back. But apparently she leapt and grabbed the other child, so that he did not go in the road, so that does not make sense. Then my son was compliant to be led away by an adult apparently? He would have run for his life in fear. My son told me he grabbed the boy after a disagreement about the xbox where the boy said the only reason my son was good at games was behavuse he was fat and had no life and just sat playing games all day. Apparently the adult did not hear this, even though they were close by. But they will not admit this. they will say my son is a liar. That this did not happen. That the adult's words in a heiightened and stressful situation are most accuate. An adult who my son has been rude to in the past and has made sure action has been taken. Her perception is fact and not opinion in the eyes of the school. My son's voice is irrelevant.

What of the fact that they had failed to address his needs? What of the fact that he is vulnearble and has low self esteem and this exclusion could lead to a spiral of negativity towards school? What of the impact of the emotive language used by school upon people's perception of my son in the lcoal community, with his peers?

At no point do I think my son's behaviour was acceptable. i do not but I am angry at his demonisation by the school. At the sobotage of hope and opportunity. At their inability to acknowldege their failings but instead to cover their backs.

Let's blame a vulnearble child entirely, let's not look at what we did not do.

To them I am just an unreasonable parent, always defending her child.

How can we recover from this?