Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi everyone
I dont really know why im writing this. I guess another perspective maybe. My son is 10 and recently diagnosed with aspergers. He has not been in school since sept. He has an older brother who has anxiety issues due to school transition (long story) and a younger brother. Since august really he just "broke...stopped working" apparantly hes been masking all these years. To cut all this shorter i now cant leave him unless my mum is here...even with his dad. I cant go shopping go out anything. He takes melatonin for bed but i still have to stay up with him then read him to sleep. I have no life ...i feel like everything has crashed. My husband and i get no time with each other at all. We are broke paying for private consultations etc. Maybe im just being over dramatic but i just dont feel like i can deal with all this anymore. The thought of just running away keeps poppin in my head. I want to just disappear. I no its daft...and i would never do anything to upset my boys but im so stressed out that i feel iv completly lost control. With the aspergers and pda its so hard to get him to do things and id just love a normal life. The things people take for granted like having the kids in bed so u can watch a movie together. Poppin out to the shops without a meltdown about how long you will be. Meeting up with friends for a night without having to arrange what time u can go...who will be at home that son agrees to...dictating a time to be home...checking your fone every 5 mins to make sure alls ok...im sorry if this sounds selfish. Since this all started iv lost myself. I was a good mum i had control i had a life. My sons where all happy content and outgoing. But we have hit this brick wall and im so confused. Will everything get better? Will he be happy again ? I guess being at the start of all this process im in the dark. Thanks for reading x
You are so not being selfish, quite the opposite. This is so hard. I’m not in too good of a place to comment right now as I’ve gone from being elated this morning, after finally getting some help after 50 years of trying, to being completely wrung out and overwhelmed.
There is help out there although often we have to fight for it. I don’t know what to say. I totally feel for you. I don’t know what’s happening in the world. It feels like we’re goung back in time, to when we were hidden away and ignored.
Your son will be happy again and you will get control back, you’re such an incredible extraordinarily loving and compassionate person, you just need a rest. I feel like going into the hospital for a month, getting drugged up to the point I just sleep, but I know I’ll have to wake up sometime and it will all be there waiting for me so I’ve realised that’s not the answer, even though it feels like that’s what I need.
I’m reverting back to being a child. I want my mum to tuck me in to bed at night and read me a story until I fall to sleep, but that’s not gonna happen. Ive been isolated in my house for over a year, with nobody even knowing, even though my son and Mum did send someone round to see if I was still alive.
You're not alone and there’s strength to be had from this group. It’s good that you’ve opened up on here. My heart and soul is with you. Things will get better, they always do. I’ve realised I have to be kind to me and allow myself to really come to terms with it all, we can’t be hard on ourselves. There’s a lot of grieving to do and then creating a life that meets our needs, which is different to what we thought life would be.
I was only diagnosed at the end of October and I’m just realising the significance. Give it time and in the meantime, be as gentle, loving, kind and considerate to you as you are with your boys. They’re lucky to have you and with a Mum like you, you’ll all come through this. You definitely will. My friend has two children on the spectrum, one non verbal with many additional needs and a husband on the spectrum as well and even though her life is totally regimented etc, she now says she wouldn’t change it for the world. She did a ton of research, went on courses, learned all she could and joined a support group with other parents which is her lifeline. It took her a while and of course the daily challenges continue, but she’s got a handle on it now so yes, it definitely gets better and her boy is doing incredibly well. He’s in his own little world but he’s happy. Her little girl at mainstream school has many challenges but since finding her singing voice, life is also getting better for her. She’s gonna be on the teli in the new year and she’s less affected by the lack of friendships than she was. You’re going to get through this. You’re not alone. If I could stop the world for a little while to give you all some breathing space, I would, i most definitely would. X