At the End of My Tether

It was very interesting to read back through this thread - everyone was just so supportive.  Well, we took the decision to take our daughter out of school.  The SENCO told me afterwards that she thought it "might well be the best thing for her".  Although her concentration is still very poor, she is so much happier in herself.  We have been taking things very gently, certainly no exams for the foreseeable future.  It is a huge relief not to have to make her go to school anymore.

Happy - are you in a similar situation?

Hi There, I read through your posts and can relate a great deal to many of the points raised. 

Can I ask how your Daughter is getting along and what if anything have you changed?

Thanks

I agree.  You are your child's best expert and the person who knows her best, besides herself.  I think the advice to talk to her about it and see how she feels is good.

I suspect that a big challenge for you is your fear of being isolated with your daughter at home.  But remember, for her it would probably be a less isolating experience than being at school, where she's constantly reminded that she doesn't fit in.

I sympathise with your anxieties, but worrying is a huge waste of your energy.  By loving and accepting your daughter as she is, away from other people's judgments, you can focus on building a better relationship with her and helping her to learn to relate better to others, which is ultimately the most valuable gift you can give her - far more than any number of GCSE passes.

There are other home-school families out there, many with "different" children, who are probably more ready to accept your daughter and offer her friendship than those who are firmly attached to more conventional modes of learning.

I wish you strength.

As someone working in conventional education I am often not at all happy to be doing so. I see the pressures piled onto our children and simply do not understand schools' fixation with qualifications above and beyond the contentment of the child and regardless of the amount of pressure it puts on parents.

Only you can decide what is right for your child, in the end.  No-one knows her better.

Warmest best wishes to you,

Thank you all for your support.  This is my daughter's 2nd secondary school.  We took her out in the Autumn Term of Year 8 as they were so unsupportive.  We then did home school for several months, using one of the online schools which are around.  I found it very difficult to deal with - my daughter is not the easiest person to have around and can be extremely confrontational (athough she is not at the moment).  You may be right in saying that may be we need to step away from academia for a bit - although she is not doing much in any event.   I find the thought of her being at home so daunting and also feel that we would then be out of the loop and no one would even be aware of her.  I also think that it would be nearly impossible to get her back to going to anything and the isolation would have increased.  She is only sitting 2 modules - 1 History and 1 Chemistry in June which is what we are attempting to cover with her.  On paper, she is supposed to still be doing English, Maths, Science and History plus Music BTEQ where the teacher sorted out the course for her which she isn't even teaching to anyone else in the school.

I think you have to be really strong to go against the strong pressure from society to follow the crowd as they continually convince you this is the best thing for your child.... but then you remember they do not know your child and you do.

What about asking her how she feels about the exams and perhaps doing less than planned and what she would like to do.  She may say none or having had time to consider it she may still do 1 or 2.  Maybe she would relax at home and be able to do some work rather than none.  There is a large number of kids with ASD being home schooled because they went through what your daughter is experiencing.

You know her best, but we all can lose sight of what makes our kids happy whilst we struggle to see the wood for the trees, I know we do it regularly and have to try and rein ourselves back in. It can feel lonely when those around you disagree with your decision.  But you know it is the right decision for your child and nobody understands her like you do or will have the courage to take these difficult decisions.

There are many ways to get an education nowadays rather than the traditional method where all have to conform.

It must be hard on you, stay strong and believe in your judgement.

The anxiety pressures on pupils without autism/asperger's are enormous with out the added pressures of this disability. 

Remember her school contemporaries, whether she is in dialogue with them or within hearing of discussions, will be driving each other neurotic with their fears and anxieties. Much to much pressure hinges on these exams, inflated by schools having to be too concerned with performance ratings.

Hence I find the school's attitude shocking. They don't seem to have a grasp of what's going on. There must be non-AS kids having stress and goig absent too. What's the bets they are too busy trying to maximise the throughput of candidates to actually do what they are there for - help the kids.

They seem to be addressing this as if your child is the only child having difficulty.

Hi,

I had a similar experience a few years ago when my child was just 8 years old.  His stress levels reached the point where he wouldn't get dressed and developed obsessions which prevented him leaving the house to get to school.  If he went to school, he refused to cooperate or even do simple tasks of which he was well capable.  I do not believe he was being bullied, but he was, like your daughter, experiencing sensory overload. 

Thankfully, at that time, when we were feeling desperate, we came across the Son-Rise Program.  We read more, spoke to one of their counsellors in the US and subsequently signed up to take a parent-training course with them.  (There were of course a few obstacles we had to overcome to achieve this).  The following year we took him out of school and ran a home-based program for him, with the help of volunteers, who were mainly students, that I recruited.  We made it clear to the LA that our intention was to take him out of school for a time, and later return him to school.

After a 2-year programme (mostly non-academic), he returned to a new school with smaller class size, without teaching support, and as his confidence has re-grown he has shown himself capable of dealing with pretty much every social situation and enjoying team sports as well as excelling academically. 

I'm guessing your child is at the higher end of the Spectrum, since you're talking about GCSE modules.  I'm sure that at the age of 15, it's difficult to step away from the expected path that your child will take GCSEs, then maybe A levels and continue with life.  However, the reality is that if your child is not managing school, how well is she likely to manage life beyond school?  I know this is an anxiety of many parents with a child with an ASC, which becomes heightened in the face of pressures to complete public examinations.

If you are able to, I suggest you stand back from the situation and consider what is most important for your child's life right now.  Is it passing a couple of GCSEs, and undergoing all the attendant stress that will entail?  Or would it be better to remove her from the stress, allow her time to recover and take pro-active steps to help her to deal with some of the challenges that she faces daily? 

Clearly, everyone's personal situation is different, but if you are able to run an intensive home programme for your daughter, you can help her.  I don't believe it is ever too late.  If she wants/needs GCSEs later, she could do them at evening classes, or by correspondence course or at a Sixth Form college.

Have you ever tried learning things when you're feeling stressed?  It's well-nigh impossible for most people.  Schools do their best for our children, but their primary remit is to provide education, not to take care of the social and emotional welfare of our special children.