Published on 12, July, 2020
I am absolutely not saying that all NTs are weirdly interested, but I had an experience lately that really got on my nerves and is still bothering me.
A couple of weeks ago my grandparents had a friend to stay, and this friend used to work in schools before she retired, with autistic students and other students with special educational needs, but she was particularly keen on working with autistic students. Whilst she was at their house, my grandparents phoned me to ask if I would go over and chat to her. I'd heard them talk about her before and how "interested" she was in my being Asperger's and as I'm actually quite sensitive about the subject I wasn't sure I wanted to, but as my grandparents are amazing and I always want to please them, I said yes, sure, and went over.
So I get there and I meet the friend, and the first question she has isn't, "How are you?" She immediately asks me, "What goes on in your head?" That is the first question she asks, in that many words. I have only meet this woman sporadically throughout my life, on three occasions at most, in twenty years. I remember being taken aback at the time, but now I just feel boiling mad. Like, you wouldn't ask a neurotypical twenty-year-old girl that question, so why ask me just because I'm Aspie and you're "interested"?! Remembering the syrupy voice she used just makes me even more cross. It was as if she was talking to a five-year-old. To be honest I can't exactly remember what I said in reply, but I think I said something along the lines of, "Well, emotionally I struggle, and I get quite anxious, but apart from that nothing particularly interesting goes on in my head really. Not things that other people would find interesting anyway."
Then we got onto the subject of me being a writer, and my poetry and things, and she asked, "So could you make up a poem now for me? From your head?" And I was like, "Well, I'd have to go and sit down and write it. It wouldn't be an immediate thing." And she looked stricken and was like, "But people with conditions like yours, they can do that sort of thing, can't they? Just make things up from their heads? You must be able to."
Me: "No, really, I can't. Unfortunately. It takes time and effort. I'm not so good at being put on the spot." *Fake laughter*
She then started telling me stories about the autistic children she worked with, including one about a boy who used to imagine that he was projecting films onto the backs of his eyes from his brain and showed her by drawing a diagram (which does sound rather cool, I have to admit). Then like some excited Labrador, "Can you do that? Can you do that?" And she kept going, "Of course, I asked if I could work with children like you because I was interested. I just find you all so INTERESTING!" She proceeded to grill me, asking me about my plans to go to uni, and as I was unable to talk in detail about my mental health (aside from my Asperger's) and how it looks like it won't be possible for me to go this year, she was like, "But you must go! Because otherwise, people like you get stuck with their parents all their lives. It's so sad." Then my grandma joined in like, "I try and tell her mother not to be so over protective, she should go to university, she is easily clever enough" etc etc etc. It felt like I was being descended upon by vultures or something.
At this point I was virtually crying, as in, tears in my eyes, trying not to let them spill over. And I might suffer from emotional dysregulation, but I have gone whole therapy sessions without shedding a tear. So I was upset.
This attack ended with the friend saying, "You mustn't be so sharp with her. People like her are very sensitive, aren't you, dear? It's what comes of having such wonderful minds!"
All this happened a couple of weeks ago, but thinking about it still makes me sick to my stomach. It seemed ridiculous and kind of worrying to me that his woman was so fascinated in a medical condition. I hated the way she spoke to me, and I don't care if she was a kind old lady; it just made me angry and extremely uncomfortable. I felt like an exhibit in a zoo. To be honest, this isn't the first time that I have experienced this sort of thing: people being openly fascinated by autism, and asking me what my "power" is (er, I'm Aspie, not Supergirl!) or how quickly I can solve a maths problem (I barely scraped my necessary C at GCSE Maths, and that was with a lot of hard work and extra tuition, and on my third go at the exam!). I have to say that as a sufferer I really can't see why autism is so fascinating, and it frustrates me because again, it's the stereotypes they get excited about! Has anybody else experienced this weird fascination with autism?
Hi Martian Tom - thanks for your reply. I felt sad reading your post. I'm sorry that your family seem to lack understanding of what you've been through. I'm not one to have a go at other people's families, but they do certainly sound intolerant, and quite judgmental, of both you and your niece's husband. Please do keep posting here - people will recognise what you're going through and you can write as much or as little as you want, without being interrupted. With regards to your brother ignoring your diagnosis...that must have been so tough for you. I guess that sometimes, with autism and with mental health (which is something else I have a lot of experiences with) people just do not know what to say. To them, things that at least largely go on in the mind are a really daunting, awkward, confusing subject to address, so it's easier just to "sweep it under the carpet" as it were, and pretend it isn't happening. They can't really show compassion when their thinking is like this, because that would validate that it was happening. With issues such as a heart problem...it's a physical problem, and so people see it as more of a concrete thing, and then find it easier to be kind and caring and sympathetic. It's so unfair, but such is life. I really am sorry that you have to go through this, though. I'm close to saying that you don't need people like that in your life, but I know that's so much easier said than done when it's family, and you love them regardless.
I absolutely hate the savant thing. It's one of the main things I find irritating about stories - STORIES, do you hear that, people out there who know nothing about autism?! Lol - such as "The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night Time" etc. In can't watch films or read books or watch TV programmes about autism anymore, because I end up in a terrible mood, white hot anger going through me, floods of tears wondering what the point is. It really triggers me; these stereotypes. It just isn't true for most people who are on the spectrum. To be honest, I am hypersensitive and prone to rages, but that's probably not just due to being Aspie - my aunt has borderline personality disorder and like I said, I've had lots of mental health struggles over the years and they think that, as well as the Asperger's, I've got BPD too. (A lot of people say it's probably not actually genetic - I think it's supposed to form as a result of life experiences, particularly early life experiences - but it seems like too big a coincidence that my emotional s**t storm and a lot of my behaviour is practically identical to hers. And no, she definitely hasn't got Asperger's.)