Published on 12, July, 2020
I am absolutely not saying that all NTs are weirdly interested, but I had an experience lately that really got on my nerves and is still bothering me.
A couple of weeks ago my grandparents had a friend to stay, and this friend used to work in schools before she retired, with autistic students and other students with special educational needs, but she was particularly keen on working with autistic students. Whilst she was at their house, my grandparents phoned me to ask if I would go over and chat to her. I'd heard them talk about her before and how "interested" she was in my being Asperger's and as I'm actually quite sensitive about the subject I wasn't sure I wanted to, but as my grandparents are amazing and I always want to please them, I said yes, sure, and went over.
So I get there and I meet the friend, and the first question she has isn't, "How are you?" She immediately asks me, "What goes on in your head?" That is the first question she asks, in that many words. I have only meet this woman sporadically throughout my life, on three occasions at most, in twenty years. I remember being taken aback at the time, but now I just feel boiling mad. Like, you wouldn't ask a neurotypical twenty-year-old girl that question, so why ask me just because I'm Aspie and you're "interested"?! Remembering the syrupy voice she used just makes me even more cross. It was as if she was talking to a five-year-old. To be honest I can't exactly remember what I said in reply, but I think I said something along the lines of, "Well, emotionally I struggle, and I get quite anxious, but apart from that nothing particularly interesting goes on in my head really. Not things that other people would find interesting anyway."
Then we got onto the subject of me being a writer, and my poetry and things, and she asked, "So could you make up a poem now for me? From your head?" And I was like, "Well, I'd have to go and sit down and write it. It wouldn't be an immediate thing." And she looked stricken and was like, "But people with conditions like yours, they can do that sort of thing, can't they? Just make things up from their heads? You must be able to."
Me: "No, really, I can't. Unfortunately. It takes time and effort. I'm not so good at being put on the spot." *Fake laughter*
She then started telling me stories about the autistic children she worked with, including one about a boy who used to imagine that he was projecting films onto the backs of his eyes from his brain and showed her by drawing a diagram (which does sound rather cool, I have to admit). Then like some excited Labrador, "Can you do that? Can you do that?" And she kept going, "Of course, I asked if I could work with children like you because I was interested. I just find you all so INTERESTING!" She proceeded to grill me, asking me about my plans to go to uni, and as I was unable to talk in detail about my mental health (aside from my Asperger's) and how it looks like it won't be possible for me to go this year, she was like, "But you must go! Because otherwise, people like you get stuck with their parents all their lives. It's so sad." Then my grandma joined in like, "I try and tell her mother not to be so over protective, she should go to university, she is easily clever enough" etc etc etc. It felt like I was being descended upon by vultures or something.
At this point I was virtually crying, as in, tears in my eyes, trying not to let them spill over. And I might suffer from emotional dysregulation, but I have gone whole therapy sessions without shedding a tear. So I was upset.
This attack ended with the friend saying, "You mustn't be so sharp with her. People like her are very sensitive, aren't you, dear? It's what comes of having such wonderful minds!"
All this happened a couple of weeks ago, but thinking about it still makes me sick to my stomach. It seemed ridiculous and kind of worrying to me that his woman was so fascinated in a medical condition. I hated the way she spoke to me, and I don't care if she was a kind old lady; it just made me angry and extremely uncomfortable. I felt like an exhibit in a zoo. To be honest, this isn't the first time that I have experienced this sort of thing: people being openly fascinated by autism, and asking me what my "power" is (er, I'm Aspie, not Supergirl!) or how quickly I can solve a maths problem (I barely scraped my necessary C at GCSE Maths, and that was with a lot of hard work and extra tuition, and on my third go at the exam!). I have to say that as a sufferer I really can't see why autism is so fascinating, and it frustrates me because again, it's the stereotypes they get excited about! Has anybody else experienced this weird fascination with autism?
Okay. Here we go... the following is open opinion, please take it as such. I'm no psychiatrist disclaimer as per usual.
As aspie/auties we take anything negative that we experience as personal. It's in our nature. It's what makes us who we are. If we were leopards, we would have spots and beautiful patterns that others would be able to identify us as aspie/auties. But we don't.
As aspie/auties, we experience everything at a very sensory/personal level, because that's how the world feels to us. It can be overwhelmingly hostile.
Negative things that happen to us, and that range from the environmental, to things which are said to us, affect us deeply and are deeply affecting experiences. And that starts from the day we are born.
Experiences affect us deeply because we are aspie/autie, we are black and white thinkers, right/wrong, on/off, yes/no, literal thinkers.
We are also problem solvers, and we find solutions to best adapt, to solve and provide a solution to negative things.
We do the logical thing, but we are acting upon/reacting to illogical information. Everything around us is doing something different to us, it's not the same as us.
And you know what, people can be really, really, really mean to anything that is different and that they don't understand. We on the other hand, try and try to do the right thing, find solutions etc etc.
So for yourself, think for a moment, about how negative things affect us.
Negative things = we've done something wrong, or something is wrong
We've done something wrong = we need to do the right thing to get the right responses (respect from other people)
Doing the right thing = "I have to let people (have/do???) what they want and do what people ask of me" so in aspie/autie terms this means putting ourselves in situations that we aren't suited for... and--> "It's the only way i'll ever get anyone to want me" = people liking us, therefore no rejection, no negativity, no wrong answers and solving the negative problem of people not liking us is based on what we have seen/observed others do as receiving positive reinforcement
Positive reinforcement that we've seen = respect
So we try to emulate what we have seen. It is a code. We mask, we mirror. We try and learn the code. And we keep failing.
When we keep failing our self-esteem and self-worth becomes eroded
And when people pick on us, it makes us feel awful, and very alone in a negative way.
As for our bodies, as we take everything personally, it is absolutely logical, in our thinking, that aspie/auties look at themselves when they receive negative comments and think: this needs correcting. As such it is inevitable to develop things like body dysmorphia, suffer from eating disorders, etc. Our ability to mask/mirror means we look in the literal mirror and think: that's wrong, put that right, fit it in to what needs to be right. So yet again we impose upon ourselves a regime of trying to get it right, and failing.
We try to correct the error to stop the negative comments, or negative reactions around us, or fit in with what 'get's respect'.
We try to make ourselves into something we can never be.
We try to cover our spots and stripes and not be leopards, but something else, something that doesn't get hunted down, picked on, singled out etc etc.
"Me is horrible"<---this is absolute pure logic. it's like a computer putting out an answer
Me is horrible = everything bad, negative, wrong
But it's not the correct reason why.
The correct reason why is: because it wasn't your fault that everyone around you didn't understand. because it's not your fault that people are awful and say awful things, or do awful things, or that in school people ripped the **** out of you - I've been there, I've been there... alone, I know what it feels like - it's not your fault that people don't understand what you say, when you say things, how you are, who you are, what you do, why you do what you do. their lack of understanding is not your fault, nor is it your responsibility.
You are not faulty. You are a leopard with spots and stripes and in your own environment you are perfectly adapted to be leopardy.
I totally understand when you say you don't want to be aspie. Who the hell would? Seriously! If they knew the half of it. If they understood the anguish. Who would want to choose a life of difficulty and negativity, and emotional pain, and physical pain. No-one would. Everyone wants to fit in and be normal. And that imposes upon aspies/auties the requirement to fit in and do things that we are just not adapted to. We can't. We just can't. But we are forced to negotiate the world around us that isn't designed or fits with the way we think and do things.
But we are able to do other things. We have qualities that others do not have. We are like computers with excellent hard drives. And we have the ability to see the world in ways that others cannot. We are the artisans of the world, the artists and the creatives.
It's not what is on the outside that matters. The outside is the lie, the inside is the truth.