Why bother making friends?

Hi Lilysnape,

'friends' are not people who make you feel like that. Real friends are there for you in your best and worst moments, because they want to be. You are worth more than that. Invest your time and energy on you, and others will find you. When they do, look after them because they are worth it :)

I think it's me that's a bad friend. I'm a demand avoidant control freak. 

I’m not too dissimilar - plus I’ve a rather abstract view of the world which for many is just too odd. 

Don’t worry I didn’t think anything of you seeking clarity on the types of friendship. I’ve found the opposite, when I stop trying I disappear and literally nobody notices me. Of course there is a balance between that and trying too hard. So I try to hit that middle ground. Like you I struggle with the ‘join a club’ suggestion because I lack confidence and feel like an outcast when I’m there - so I need to build things up a bit first so I sort of feel I know someone which is why online is easier initially but as I font use social media ... things get that bit harder 

back to the making friends topic, sorry if it appeared that I was trying to classify your search for friends in some way, damn this autistic systematising trait !   I was just thinking back about myself, that if i stopped looking for friends I sometimes found one because somehow I'm more likeable when I'm not trying hard.

Also, I have never been able to follow the advice "join a club" because it's hard to show up if everyone else knows each other and already formed these little cliques.  Also I feel as though I am rubbish at everything I do and therefore I will be  the Most Rubbish One At the Club that everyone laughs at behind their back. Or so I imagine. 

I once joined a choir, it took me weeks to pluck up courage, and when I went no one spoke to me, not even in the break, so I didn't go back, even though I liked singing. 

i can't use the PMs at all.  Really frustrating because it was a bit of a personal goal to have more 1:1 dialogue. I can't see any of the content on a phone and I don't get any notification. 

All my notifications are enabled and I don’t get them on here or by email. The private message notification still works so I try to encourage people to use that if they want to chat because at least that way I don’t cone across as rude by ignoring what they’ve put in a forum thread, when the reality is I just missed it due to a lack of notification. Like you I use my phone and it’s a bit temperamental running on my phone, but I get by.  

what is it with the notifications eh? I got so worked up that I enabled all notifications in app and in email (which I don't particularly want but saves time searching and waiting each time for page to load) .  I still don't get a single email ! same with personal messages, I have opted to receive mails but never get a single one.   Funny that on the topic of friendships, I have received some PMs and i can't possibly read them on my phone and don't get an email either , so some of them have unfriended me !

First Plectrum sorry for my slow reply - my notifications don’t work so it relies on me spotting messages manually. 

To be honest I don’t like to pre-define things much but mostly just people to talk with. I don’t think beyond that but in theory people I chat with could become friends, or I may feel like in part of a group as a result - but I don’t like to think too long term because it’s only as you connect with someone you start to get an idea of where that individual relationship can go - it may be a person you chat to occasionally, they could turn out to be ‘the one’ or at the other extreme have nothing in common or a personality clash. So I guess I’m an open book on that one. 

First Plectrum sorry for my slow reply - my notifications don’t work so it relies on me spotting messages manually. 

To be honest I don’t like to pre-define things much but mostly just people to talk with. I don’t think beyond that but in theory people I chat with could become friends, or I may feel like in part of a group as a result - but I don’t like to think too long term because it’s only as you connect with someone you start to get an idea of where that individual relationship can go - it may be a person you chat to occasionally, they could turn out to be ‘the one’ or at the other extreme have nothing in common or a personality clash. So I guess I’m an open book on that one. 

Don’t worry I didn’t think anything of you seeking clarity on the types of friendship. I’ve found the opposite, when I stop trying I disappear and literally nobody notices me. Of course there is a balance between that and trying too hard. So I try to hit that middle ground. Like you I struggle with the ‘join a club’ suggestion because I lack confidence and feel like an outcast when I’m there - so I need to build things up a bit first so I sort of feel I know someone which is why online is easier initially but as I font use social media ... things get that bit harder 

back to the making friends topic, sorry if it appeared that I was trying to classify your search for friends in some way, damn this autistic systematising trait !   I was just thinking back about myself, that if i stopped looking for friends I sometimes found one because somehow I'm more likeable when I'm not trying hard.

Also, I have never been able to follow the advice "join a club" because it's hard to show up if everyone else knows each other and already formed these little cliques.  Also I feel as though I am rubbish at everything I do and therefore I will be  the Most Rubbish One At the Club that everyone laughs at behind their back. Or so I imagine. 

I once joined a choir, it took me weeks to pluck up courage, and when I went no one spoke to me, not even in the break, so I didn't go back, even though I liked singing. 

i can't use the PMs at all.  Really frustrating because it was a bit of a personal goal to have more 1:1 dialogue. I can't see any of the content on a phone and I don't get any notification. 

All my notifications are enabled and I don’t get them on here or by email. The private message notification still works so I try to encourage people to use that if they want to chat because at least that way I don’t cone across as rude by ignoring what they’ve put in a forum thread, when the reality is I just missed it due to a lack of notification. Like you I use my phone and it’s a bit temperamental running on my phone, but I get by.  

what is it with the notifications eh? I got so worked up that I enabled all notifications in app and in email (which I don't particularly want but saves time searching and waiting each time for page to load) .  I still don't get a single email ! same with personal messages, I have opted to receive mails but never get a single one.   Funny that on the topic of friendships, I have received some PMs and i can't possibly read them on my phone and don't get an email either , so some of them have unfriended me !